by Claire
I crossed a significant milestone in the month of May. My debt has fallen below $30,000. That is certainly news to celebrate. I do have these internal moments of jubilation but I think it is good too that I am never far from the thought of “dear Lord I still owe near $30,000!” There was a time in the past that I would have celebrated a dent to debt by going out and spending money. I’d use all sorts of rationalization techniques that would justify the spending. I’m not talking about a huge dent like I made in May but instead if I somehow managed to scrape together an extra $500 I’d go spend near that amount all in the name of what I deserved.
So the relief I feel right now is not about the dollars I put toward debt but instead the relief of a changed thought process. It is more empowering to have the spending part of my brain in check than it is to see that $4,000 went to debt this month. Does that make sense? That changed thinking is what will keep me out of debt (I pray) so that my “extra” $4K can go to long term goals instead of to making money for others. That is the victory of this blog and this true metamorphosis I am undergoing.
This change in my life has been reinforced this weekend as TWO friends have confided in me their serious financial worries. I hear their stress and know it all too well and do not want to go there again. I share my story in the hope of it helping them but a person has to be ready to make the change in order for anything to stick. Right now one of them is still in the spending to fill the void place and it’s strange to be on this side where it is so clear what is going on. He doesn’t want to make major life changes and his situation cannot change without major life changes. If you’ve been reading the blog for awhile you know I have done big things to find success on this journey. As I shared them with him you could immediately tell that he isn’t ready. The thought of downsizing his life is currently more intimidating than the debt load he carries.
You will notice in the debt column info I went ahead and added $500 to the emergency fund. I did that for the “shot in the arm” impact I think I need. In addition to seeing debt numbers go down it is nice to see savings dollars increase. I dream of the months ahead that I pray I am able to sink $3,000 or more into my savings fund.
Final note–I intended to update my numbers over the weekend of course but it was DD’s dance recital weekend. Her dance studio does a great show but it is a lot of work taking up the entire day on Saturday for the full dress rehearsal and then the show on Sunday evening. It is all worth it in the end as she enjoys it and it is also an annual event for extended family to get together and celebrate. I wake today completely exhausted but cannot ignore that my fatigue is not due to all of the recital run around. Instead it is for this growing resentment toward my children’s father and NW. They showed up for the show and he had the audacity to seek out my 83-year-old mother to introduce his fiancée to as we are all focused on celebrating a child’s accomplishments. It isn’t about our daughter’s day for him and that angers me and I want to verbally shut him down. That would be misplaced and I know in my logical brain that his behavior will take care of the situation in time but wow am I already worn out from holding my tongue. I went to sleep angry and woke angry and that does NO good for anyone! He certainly isn’t carrying the burden of negative emotion so I am only harming myself! I get all of that in that logical brain! The emotional brain continues to be louder at the moment and I want him to suffer. I feel like I have the good angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other. Please pray the angel prevails! Because that devil has some VERY enticing scenarios I could participate in and get some short term relief from this angst.
Have a great Monday!
