by Beks
I don’t want to dive too deep into what happened over the last few weeks. First, it’s health problems that aren’t mine so I’m extremely limited on what I can share. Second, I’m still a bit raw.
I’ve worked hard at being a good manager to my teams. Despite the fact that my team has grown over the years, I liked to believe that I maintained good relationships. It’s not a show. I legitimately care about each person on my team and I’m passionate about seeing them grow. I was shocked when a new staff member lodged a formal complaint about me…
And it was a lie.
It wasn’t a ‘stretching the truth’ or ‘maybe they were confused’ accusation, it was an outright lie. Even worse, it wasn’t something I could prove was untrue which turned it into a case of ‘he said, she said’. There were several levels above me that got involved to mediate. I will still manage this staff member so I have a long road ahead. I feel off-kilter. I don’t understand why it happened and emotionally, I’m struggling.
Topping it off, I’m what I like to call an ‘accidental’ instructor. Meaning, I was wrangled into teaching a class (even though I HATE public speaking) and did a decent job. I was asked to teach again… and again… and class sizes keep growing which brings an additional level of stress. Following the mediation, I had to teach my largest class yet with nearly 200 attendees. Fortunately, it went well but it was icing on my stress cake.
The following day, someone in my immediate family went into emergency surgery. A mass needed to be removed that looked cancerous. This was the second time and I know how tough the recovery is. The next few days were spent in and out of the ER. Normally I would have parked myself in the hospital and brought in food, books, etc. but with Covid, no visitors are allowed (not even spouses). It made it hard to be supportive when you can’t go inside to sit beside someone while they wait for test results or surgeries. I get it. But it’s hard.
I found myself curling into a ball and crying. I’m only proving my point that you don’t want me on your sinking ship! ; )
This week, my husband suggested we take a long-distance camping trip. I’m still working from home so I could work without interruption. South Dakota? Wyoming? Somewhere in the middle of nowhere on BLM land where it’s free to park. Out of this cramped city I live in. Out of crowded grocery stores and busy streets. It’s his attempt to help me recapture peace in the chaos. My heart belongs outside.
“No way! We destroyed our budget. We need to save the money. Fuel would be at least $750.” I said.
“We have it in the vacation fund. We aren’t going on our trip in the fall anyway” he responded. And he’s right. We have been saving for a fall trip and we aren’t going with all the craziness.
I haven’t decided yet.
I might just ‘run away’ for a bit. The reality is, I’m at my best when I take a moment to reflect, reset, and rest. I’m a fan of fighting through the chaos and becoming stronger but sometimes, you just need to spend some time in introspection.
What about you? Anyone else going a bit crazy??
Beks is a full-time government employee who enjoys blogging late into the night after her four kids have gone to sleep. She’s been married to Chris, her college sweetheart, for 15 years. In 2017, after 3 long years working the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps, they paid off more than $70K and became debt free. When she’s not working or blogging, she’s exploring the great outdoors.
