by Hope
The call outs on my post about my kids beginning to migrate were SPOT ON! And as I’ve heard about their plans, I’ve had the same fears. Can I set better boundaries? Be consistent in saying NO or rather, not offering financial help? And essentially reset, the relationship as a parent with now all adult, independent children?
First off, I want to be very clear. The issue is with me. My kids do not ask me for help very often. And when they do, it’s been minimal and typically temporary. They are all doing so well at being independent.
The problem is ME.
And this has always been the case. I finally think I see clearly. Not perfectly for sure, but clearly.
My challenge is how do I reset the expectations with my kids? And I’m just writing out loud here the thoughts going through my head.
- How do I invite them to a meal out or to meet up without them expecting me to pay for them? Like what words do you use? How do I set that as the general experience and when I can or want to treat, make that the exception?
- How do I stop leading with my heart? Or my “I want to do this” for whomever? Like when they mention something and I want to provide it. This has been a huge one during their childhood. But I’m doing better, much better with the distance.
- How do I invite them on a trip or adventure, setting the expectation of them covering their own way? And how do I handle it if one or another can’t do it financially? Cancel the whole thing or just going with those who can?
These are just a few of the thoughts I am having.
And as much as I’m enjoying the Dave Ramsey class, my group has no other later in life people, parents, no other empty nesters in it, so I don’t feel like they are in a place to provide experienced guidance or feedback. Does that make sense?
Small Win – Valentines
I was really proud of myself as Valentines came around. Instead of going overboard shipping boxes of even small things, I bought them each a card and wrote a personal love note. No candy, no stuff, no gift card. Just a heartfelt card. I know that seems stupid or like “duh” to most people here. But, wow, that was a huge thing for me to not do anything else. Next up Easter.
Hope is a resourceful and solutions-driven business manager who has spent nearly two decades helping clients streamline their operations and grow their businesses through project management, digital marketing, and tech expertise. Recently transitioning from her role as a single mom of five foster/adoptive children to an empty nester, Hope is navigating the emotional and practical challenges of redefining her life while maintaining her determination to regain financial control and eliminate debt.
Living in a cozy small town in northeast Georgia with her three dogs, Hope cherishes the serenity of the mountains over the bustle of the beach. Though her kids are now finding their footing in the world—pursuing education, careers, and independence—she remains deeply committed to supporting them in this next chapter, even as she faces the bittersweet tug of letting go.
Since joining the Blogging Away Debt community in 2015, Hope has candidly shared her journey of financial ups and downs. Now, with a renewed focus and a clear path ahead, she’s ready to tackle her finances with the same passion and perseverance that she’s brought to her life and career. Through her writing, she continues to inspire others to confront their own financial challenges and strive for a brighter future.
This is definitely a good thing to think about! I highly recommend speaking with a licensed therapist to work out approaches that suit you well. You can often find ones that accept payment on a sliding scale, or if you have health insurance there are tele-health options for mental health counseling. Please do NOT give any money to unlicensed “counselors” especially ones that are associated with Christian churches.
JUST got a referral to a new therapist here in Texas as I have no plans currently to return to GA and my previous therapist could only meet with me when I was actually in the state. Looking forward to getting back into therapy. This is DEFINTELY a topic for that avenue.
Thankfully my health insurance covers my counseling.
That’s awesome that your insurance covers counseling! I applaud you being proactive to access therapy.
Have a conversation with everyone upfront. Agree that the default will be everyone pays their own way and if anyone, you or them wants to cover the cost that’s fine but unless stated otherwise any activites, meals etc will be paid separately. That way, when the invite is extended everyone knows what to expect. I don’t think there will be any hard feelings unless they get it sprung on them. At this point, you might be surprised. I cover costs now when my mom and I go out because I am simply more stable than she is. No judgement at all it’s part of transitioning into a different role. Don’t be ashamed to tell them you cannot cover everyone. They likely don’t expect you to anyway!
If only if there was a blog or somewhere you could post and get advice on getting out of debt. Somewhere you can post for 10 years and get mounds and mounds of advice.
Alas, clearly no such thing exists.
Definitely appreciate the sarcasm, that’s my typical response as well.
That’s good insight Hope. Since they are independent and adults, I would just talk to them. Be honest. Tell them that you are making retirement saving and paying off your student loans a priority. Tell them how you can support them now in ways that don’t involve money. Start with saying one way that would help support your goal is if everyone paid for their own when dining out. Ask them if they have any ideas. They are likely to tell you all the same things you listed here.
Unfortunately, your kids might not have the money to do stuff like that all the time either. You should focus on cheap or free activities, or even just casual time together at your home. It’s much easier to ‘treat the kids’ when its a batch of chili in the crockpot and card games for an afternoon.
This. Your kids are starting out in life, and you are over 50 with debt and almost no retirement savings. None of you need to be going on adventures or even out to eat regularly. Visit with each other at home. Or in a park, or anything that doesn’t require spending money. With your hearing issues, how much are you enjoying eating at restaurants anyway? I would think it would hard to hear in that environment.
You are very right, it is hard.
Often choose places at off hours or where I know I can hear.
I know Texas is very hot, but one of my favorite no/low-cost activities to do with loved ones is to go to a park or botanical garden (there might be a free one in your area especially if there are universities!) and packing a “picnic” of some snacks and drinks. You don’t have to sit out on a blanket, just being on a bench or table makes nice ambiance. I also don’t touch my phone when I’m having one of these “picnics”. It’s a great way to feel the moment.
Yes, Addie (my dog) and I have been exploring lots of trails here. We mostly go at night because 1) heat and 2) that’s when I am free. But there are several I’d like to return to during the day time as they have some great shade trees and it would be nice to be outside.
1. How do I invite them to a meal out or to meet up without them expecting me to pay for them? Like what words do you use? How do I set that as the general experience and when I can or want to treat, make that the exception?
At this point, you should not be eating out much due to your own financial woes- you could just simply invite them over for dinner and perhaps call it a pot luck and give them a specific thing to bring (desert, side dish etc). You should not be treating anyone, even yourself, at this point!
2. How do I stop leading with my heart? Or my “I want to do this” for whomever? Like when they mention something and I want to provide it. This has been a huge one during their childhood. But I’m doing better, much better with the distance.
I don’t have great advice for this – I am a very logical person by nature (PhD scientist) so I simply don’t spend money I don’t have and my kids are very financiall aware, so they are siimilar. You have to stop spending money, and you desparately need to fund your retirement, so maybe try to just be there with supportive company instead of giving things you can not afford – the last thing they will need is to have to support you in the future and you seem to be on the way to having this happen if you don’t start saving. Better yet, figure out how to help THEM to realize that should not be buying things they can not afford and would need you financial help with.
Good luck!
How do I invite them on a trip or adventure, setting the expectation of them covering their own way? And how do I handle it if one or another can’t do it financially? Cancel the whole thing or just going with those who can?
Again, you yourself should not be going on trips or adventures unelss they are free. How about suggesting a day spent at a park, a walk around a lake, a picnic where each person brings somethign to share, a visit to a free museum. Plan it for right after lunch so no one needs to be thinking about a meal out.
I dunno. If I invited my grown kids to eat with me I’d absolutely pay for it, and also give them a little cash too. When they eat with me or do anything with me, Dad pays. Don’t sweat that. Then again my kids are still in college and not out making a bunch of money.
Hope has 5 kids – she is not in the position to treat them to dinner out and extra cash too often right now. She absolutely needs to sweat it. The older boys have been out of the house for a few years, and should be able to cover their own meals if they all go out. Heck, even Beauty and Princess should be able to cover meals. We never expect our mom to pay for all of us when we go out to eat. If none of the kids make a bunch of money, Hope can just adjust plans to be more at home get togethers.
l’m living near a son and DIL for a couple months. When we first talked about me living near them temporarily, I told them when we go out for a meal, we are going dutch. Not 100% of the time but so far I’ve been here three weeks and have only paid for dinner once. I purposely asked them out that time and told them dinner was on me. Otherwise, we are paying our own way.
I lived at home for a long time with my mom, long after all my siblings had moved out. I will be the most likely to live with her again. She covered a lot of my expenses, I am super lucky. But tbh, if I went on vacation, I got my own tickets and sent money for other expenses or covered my own. Dinners were rare treats, now reserved for birthdays. Get togethers at her home, mean potluck or making sure you help clean up afterwards. My mom has 6 kids and has prepared for her retirement and making sure we are taken care of, if possible. We don’t expect anything from her- she also has some generational wealth to pass on, but not as much as you’d think. I think for now, the focus should continue to be on finding stable work, paying off your student loans, and vacations requiring big spending, should fall down the priority list a bit. Texas is a huge state, the kids and yourself can visit a national park or an amusement park if you all want to spend time together – or drive to the nearest state and visit a park there.