I don’t even know where to start. I really crashed this summer emotionally, like really. Thank God for my kids. My obligations to and for them are the only thing that saved me I think. I know it’s still kind of taboo to talk about depression, and I never would have expected it as I tend to be a glass half full kind of girl. But I definitely have been going thru some major depression, borderline suicidal times this summer.
I pulled the kids from just about everything and hid in the bed as much as possible. Self sabotaged a bit with work, and just generally cried ALOT! I was just overwhelmed and could see no way out.
Not much has changed financially. We are still living for free and barely scraping by with my two part time jobs. I can’t think about the future without getting just overwhelmed with it all. But I have started some new routines to try and shake my “blues.”
My new routines include:
- Spending time in God’s word EVERY morning, first thing.
- Focusing immediately, every time I find myself spiraling down in my head, finding something to be grateful for: air conditioning, a working car, our health…and I’m working on this with my kids as well.
- Lists, lots of lists. Things I need to do, things I want to do, things I need to think about doing. Mostly to get things out of my head at this point, rather than putting them into action but that will be next.
- Giving myself permission to just stop, breathe and most importantly say no.
I did get a kid free week in July when all four kids attended a summer camp together. (Note: one of the benefits offered with the twins adoption was one week of paid summer camp every year. Since the twins turn 18 year this, this is the last summer we could use it.) They loved it and I didn’t know what to do with myself. And we are now spending three weeks at our family’s lakehouse. Sleeping in a bed, not having to go outside to go to the bathroom and having comfortable seating…well, it’s been a really nice break from our living situation (not that I am not grateful.)
I have no idea what the future holds, and I’m overwhelmed trying to get back on my feet. We are spending pretty much nothing, and I’m focused on saving. Unfortunately, due to my emotional challenges I have ‘fallen off the wagon’ on seeking work. But I feel better, I think I’m getting back to myself.
I don’t know when I will get back to writing regularly, but I will be back as I can. I really appreciate those who have reached out. God has a plan for me, for us, I am clinging to that with everything I have got!