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I’m Still Here

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I don’t even know where to start. I really crashed this summer emotionally, like really.  Thank God for my kids.  My obligations to and for them are the only thing that saved me I think.  I know it’s still kind of taboo to talk about depression, and I never would have expected it as I tend to be a glass half full kind of girl.   But I definitely have been going thru some major depression, borderline suicidal times this summer.

I pulled the kids from just about everything and hid in the bed as much as possible.  Self sabotaged a bit with work, and just generally cried ALOT!  I was just overwhelmed and could see no way out.

Not much has changed financially.  We are still living for free and barely scraping by with my two part time jobs.  I can’t think about the future without getting just overwhelmed with it all.  But I have started some new routines to try and shake my “blues.”

My new routines include:

  • Spending time in God’s word EVERY morning, first thing.
  • Focusing immediately, every time I find myself spiraling down in my head, finding something to be grateful for: air conditioning, a working car, our health…and I’m working on this with my kids as well.
  • Lists, lots of lists.  Things I need to do, things I want to do, things I need to think about doing.  Mostly to get things out of my head at this point, rather than putting them into action but that will be next.
  • Giving myself permission to just stop, breathe and most importantly say no.

I did get a kid free week in July when all four kids attended a summer camp together. (Note: one of the benefits offered with the twins adoption was one week of paid summer camp every year.  Since the twins turn 18 year this, this is the last summer we could use it.)  They loved it and I didn’t know what to do with myself.  And we are now spending three weeks at our family’s lakehouse.  Sleeping in a bed, not having to go outside to go to the bathroom and having comfortable seating…well, it’s been a really nice break from our living situation (not that I am not grateful.)

I have no idea what the future holds, and I’m overwhelmed trying to get back on my feet.  We are spending pretty much nothing, and I’m focused on saving.  Unfortunately, due to my emotional challenges I have ‘fallen off the wagon’ on seeking work.  But I feel better, I think I’m getting back to myself.

I don’t know when I will get back to writing regularly, but I will be back as I can.  I really appreciate those who have reached out.  God has a plan for me, for us, I am clinging to that with everything I have got!

 


4th Month of Unemployment – Status Update

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I am now entering our fourth month of unemployment.  It is only by the grace and generosity of others that I have not accumulated any additional debt and am not too far behind on bills.  (I was so grateful that so many took my post What I have Learned being Poor to heart.  One reader even graciously reached out and offered to pay a bill for us.  I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, but I did want to acknowledge the gift and generosity.  So thank you for the generous gift of paying our electric bill last month!)

I am continuing to job search and interview, but as of today am no closer to a full time job.  I am happy to report that I’ve picked up three small website projects for the month of February, so I have high hopes of catching up with monthly bills and being in a better place going to March.

I’m sorry I haven’t gotten around to replying to everyone on my post regarding the lower paying position I interview for (Is it Worth It?), taking the job or not did not become a question as it was no offered, but I reached the same conclusion as many of you that it just didn’t make sense financially any way I looked at it.  I am interviewing for another part time job tomorrow, but hopefully the pay rate will be more in line with what I need…I hope.  I don’t mind piece-mealing together a paycheck with a variety of part time jobs and projects, but I am hoping to at least have steady income of some sort while I continue to search for a full time position.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned here that with certainty we will be moving in April.  I will write a whole post on this part of our lives.  But essentially, because my initial plan when I signed this lease back in August/September was that we would for certain move to better housing at the end of April (our school year end) even if it meant moving away from here.  So when I signed the lease, I signed the move out notice at the same time.  Fast forward to the first week in December, and I was notified by the complex office that our apartment has been rented out, so staying put is not an option.  So we will be moving…but without a job, what kind of housing can we move too?  This has been a constant prayer request for me, but an answer/option has come.  I will share that plan in another post soon.

Another status update is regarding our pets…we are down to two from the original four. (You can read about this plan: Re-homing Pets.) I’m continuing to only solicit homes from people we know, and while there are currently no placements, with 2.5 more months, I am hopeful. Although it is getting tougher and tougher to think about.

Other than that, we are moving right along…basketball season is coming to an end for Princess, robotics season ended this past weekend for the twins and gymnast is approaching the end of his season.

One side note:  I am going to mention this because it is financially related, but I do not and will not revisit the discussion of my ex or child support….My ex, the youngest two children’s dad has gotten a job.  He has 6 weeks or so of training to do at a minimal rate, but then he assures me he will begin providing regular support for the kids….woohoo!  And even better…health insurance.  So I will keep you posted, but many will remember that it was a year ago this past October that he let me know he could not provide any support for the kids due to job issues.  So this will be greatly appreciated and quite timely due to my job situation.