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The Cost of Loneliness

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My mother and father don’t have the best relationship. My father has always worked insane hours and they never spend time together. They’ve been married for 50 years and they’ve taken a vacation together twice. My father works 7 days a week. He is rarely home for dinner.

My parents’ relationship was one of the reasons I left my job four years ago. I was working insane hours and my husband said if I didn’t leave that job, he’d leave me. When I complained to my mom, she said, ‘I’ve lived a very lonely life. Don’t do that to your husband.’

My dad worked insane hours and my mom spent money.

A lot of money.

I’ve talked about it before but my parents don’t have a dime to their name. They have debt. A lot of it.

My dad sticks to his story, he doesn’t spend money. My mom bleeds it. For decades, I was frustrated with both of them but I really knew who the spender was, it was my mom. I haven’t understood why she made such a mess.

Ugh. Karma.

I’ve been on my own for over a month and I’m experiencing a level of unapparelled loneliness. I have cleaned and reorganized the kids rooms every week despite the fact that they’ve never been here. I’ve spent hundreds on clothing for my new job because that will make me happy right? Twice this week, Amazon delivered and I couldn’t remember what I had ordered.

I’m trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with stuff…but that won’t stop me from trying.

This week there was a very real recognition of what was happening (maybe it was the Amazon boxes?!?!). I have slammed on the brakes. No orders without talking to Chris. Do I need his permission? Heck no! But I need the accountability.

Loneliness is a rough place. If you are here, I’m here with you. I feel you. Buying stuff won’t fix where we are at. I’m reaching out to local religious groups because right now, I have no support in this new place. I’m finding support through weekly community. Will that work for you? Maybe. Maybe not. Find what fills that void.

Spending ain’t it.

I’m Here!

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Sorry for the ghosting! To say the last few weeks have been hectic is an understatement. I packed up my house. I trekked 2 days to Texas. I unpacked. I started the new job. I started a second job. I’m desperately trying to figure out up from down.

I start job #1 in the early morning and put in 9-10 hours while I ‘drink from a fire hose’ getting up to speed. I get home around 6, make dinner then spend 30 minutes working out or doing yoga for mental health. Seriously, movement keeps me sane (mostly). After that, I hop on my computer to do job #2 until I can’t stay awake and repeat daily.

Why am I working 2 jobs? First off, moving was WAY more expensive than we anticipated. We are paying a mortgage in California while we remodel the house and we are paying rent for an overpriced house in Texas. Rent and mortgage alone are roughly $5,400/month. When we add utilities for both houses, we’re at $6,000/month. Wait, it gets better… we get to add all the costs from the remodel. My bank account is screaming for mercy and I refuse to go into debt. Second, I took over job #2, which was previously what my husband did at night, so he can focus all his time remodeling the house faster because frankly, we can’t hold on to two household bills much longer.

And more than the money, I miss my husband. We talk while we both are working late at night and I can hear the weariness in both our voices. We’ve only been working like this for four weeks but it feels like an eternity. Five more to go.

Ugh. This sucks. Sorry for the whiney post. Just wanted you to know I’m still alive…barely. ; )

I’ll catch you up on all the ways we messed up our move that cost us a fortune. You want to know what NOT to do, I’ve got a long list for ya. Oh, and I have a long list of money mistakes I make when I’m tired and lonely. And, I’ve got a list of unexpected expenses I probably should have expected but didn’t and what a big mess I made. I’ll catch you up later.

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