by Hope
It’s been several days since my dryer went out and my client decided not to pay and thankfully, no other tragedy has hit. But when I look back at the week, I decided that we did in fact get hit by a 3rd tragedy…both of the twins cars stopped working last week, literally the day before they moved out.
Now thankfully, Sea Cadet’s seems to be a easily fixable issue after a mechanic friend made a house call to take a look. And it is something he can do himself…if he will prioritize the time.
We are not so sure on History Buff’s…and again, he is going to have to prioritize taking the time to look into it and putting some money into it.
I was very grateful when a friend of theirs showed up with his truck to help move their big stuff last week. They are now completely moved out and we are beginning the process of deep cleaning and rearranging the house again.
In the meantime, both of their vehicles are parked at my house. Princess and I have taken turns getting them to classes, work and home. But I’ve let them know that they are going to need to spend some time and money on their cars as I cannot be a car service. They did take one of our two bikes so that might help. (They both work within 3-5 miles of their new apartment, so not insurmountable.)
In light of the car issues, I did go ahead and buy their first groceries along with a few necessities including a microwave. All their needs are taken care of with the move…
But I’m hopeful that now that 3 tragedies have struck our family in the last week, we can all recuperate and get back to some normalcy.
Update: As I was finishing this post up, Sea Cadet called and asked if I would come get him so he could work on his car. Yeah! Praying he is able to get it fixed today.
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 5 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
Hope if the twins drove around in a $20,000 car instead of a $1,000 car they wouldn’t need help with rides. You should consider not writing about them, you sound like you have had enough.
They will definitely be making far less frequent appearances in my writings about life and finance…but they will still appear as just this week, the “bank of mom” has paid $800+ for car repairs so they can keep moving. That affects my finances and thus is relevant.
(The twin who borrowed this money will be paying it back.)
And the other car is still in my yard…
At this point, I think you should just stop talking about the twins. The language you use to describe dripping with condescension and disdain, is mean. If it wasn’t, people wouldn’t point it out in every post about them. Perhaps because they are no longer “littles” you are over them but I think they’ve been through enough to warrant continued grace.
And they are adults, and it is not her business to go around advertising where they live, how expensive their cars are, etc. if they want to talk about these things with the world, they will.
(though I am an advocate of not sharing personal details about your child on the Internet, it’s especially bad to be doing it to your adult children.)
These things are not tragedies. They are bumps in the road, things that happen, visits from Murphy, whatever. 200,000 people dying from Covid, THAT’S a tragedy.
People have said repeatedly that you treat the younger kids better than the older ones and I never really saw it, but now I do. You drove Gymnast all over for his events, you drove Princess to school every day, but when the twins’s cars break down, which is an emergency, you tell them immediately that you are not a car service!!
When the twins didn’t drive, I drove them to their activities as well. Sea Cadet’s sea cadet activities were almost two hours from the house, almost every weekend.
Their robotics club was an hour from the house. The difference is their stages in life at this time.
The difference is now the twins are almost 22, working full time and not saving money for these types of events.
Do you really expect me to treat my two 22 year olds the same as I do my 15 and 16 year old?
Your older sons used to help driving your younger kids around. I think it’s sweet Princess can return the favor. Hopefully they get it figured out soon
Were you expecting them to save? From where I was sitting there seemed to be a push for them to pay for things (including helping beauty save for a vehicle) more so than save for their next milestone. I can see this ending badly. As it stands the boys appear to have zero in savings (as evidenced by the fact YOU have paid out $800 for a car repair) and they are now going to be living outside the home where one week of illness means one of them might not be able to cover their half of the rent and throw them both in jeopardy of being homeless. Financially, the way this move appears to be planned this seems like a bad idea for both them and you. They aren’t financially prepared to weather Murphy and we can already “hear” the resentment in your postings about the inconveniences this has already created. This is another one of these moments I pray I’m wrong and hope that both you and the boys can rise to the occasion and create a plan. As it stands right now the winging it option the boys have seems to be going badly and you appear to have set yourself up as their emergency banking system. *shakes head*
Agree. Many of us even suggested to hold their rent for them and give it back as a surprise when they moved out to help with these expenses.
I actually did give them their rent back for the month they moved out…and paid for their deposit and application fee. In total, History Buff paid $750 in “rent” and Sea Cadet paid $500.
I then paid their $500 deposit and $50 application fee along with over $600 in essentials and their first groceries. This perception in this community that my twins are mistreated or treated unfairly…well, the numbers tell a different story.
At some point your father financially helped you get into a house and I don’t think you were 22. I’m guessing you were much older and you must not been able to swing things on your own. Your uncle financed your car at whatever age you are currently (not 22). You have needed government assistance and a generous gift of a friend’s trailer to live in. You have lived in your grandma’s house and I think you were using her car at one point. You have needed help a lot! We all need help at points in our lives. This is a time they need you, embrace your role as the person they call mom and be the person who gives graciously as others have done for you
This post and your responses blows my mind.
1, These are inconveniences not tragedies. These events are exactly what emergency funds are meant for. A new dryer, fix the car, the hot water heater goes out, etc. etc.
2. Your “Bank of mom” comment is extremely uncalled for. These are 21 year old young adults who are still trying to find where they want to be in life. Think of yourself at 21. Did you still live with your parents? If not did you need their help? I’m sorry Hope but from what I gathered, you are somewhere in your 40s. In the past years we have seen you need help from multiple people including your father and most recently, your uncle. If you at 40 something are just NOW figuring your finances out, how in the heck do you expect these kids (who have been under your wing) to have it all figured out?!
3. You sound extremely bitter towards the twins. The cars didn’t bother you while they lived with you, but now that they don’t it’s an issue that the cars are there. You have had no issue taking Gymnast, Princess, and now even Beauty to school, work, activities, etc. But now that that the twins need you, you go straight to I’m not a car service. You seem to think that being 21 all of a sudden makes it where these kids (let’s be real, at 21 you have NO adult experience and are still wet behind the ears) do not and should no longer need you. It’s sad. So yes, we do expect you to treat your almost 22 yr olds the same as the younger ones, because whether you want to accept it or not, they are NOT yet financially responsible or fully ready for adulthood.
Yes to all of this.
All of this
I third all of that.
Something that has always bothered me was that you (Hope) said that you didn’t give the twins as many gifts as the others because they got ‘so much’ from the ‘do gooders’ and it wasn’t ‘fair’ to the others. Having heard stories from other kids in foster care, this is, sadly, not uncommon – being told they wont’ get as many or any gifts at all because of all the ‘free’ stuff they already get. It made them feel like they were not welcome much less part of the family.
As to whether 21 year old adults should be able to adult, I firmly believe they are and should be quite capable of figuring life out at that age. That isn’t to say they won’t make mistakes, face challenges, and have to struggle. That is part of being a young adult, and when you are older there is a bit of nostalgia regaling the stories of ramen noodles and mac and cheese. Furthermore, It seems each successive generation has gotten more soft. That is not universal of course, but I personally know of multiple sets of parents who financially support their grown children, well into adulthood and after marriage for some – and in some cases it isn’t because the adult child has a TRUE need, but rather, expects a lifestyle they can’t provide themselves – expensive phones, ‘having’ to live right in the middle of an expensive city instead of commuting in from suburbs, and in one case literally ponies, with an unwillingness to do the work/overtime to support their wants. When I hear of their tales, I wonder if this generation will be supporting their kids into their 30s. It makes me worry for the strength and resiliency of our country.
However, I don’t believe that is the case with the twins. To be in foster care, they’ve had a hard life of some kind, and in the midst of historic unemployment, have jobs and have moved out to their first apartment. Additionally, for a young adult to have significant financial acumen, they generally have to have been taught well before that point. The types of lessons you want them to have learned by now, parents are often teaching their kids from early childhood on through teenage years. Instead, they have been homeless with you in a trainer owned by a friend, and have watched you get financial help from relatives. Why wouldn’t they expect help from you, when that is the example you have set through your own behavior? Why wouldn’t they expect some help getting their barely moving cars going again when you drive a brand new one your uncle has financed?
It all does reek of throwing stones in a glass house. You might consider that if you are this irritated and impatient with your twins for fairly modest help, imagine how your uncle and father must feel/have felt.
I can certainly appreciate this perspective, especially with you all just having a snapshot of our lives.
But to clarify…NO ONE received less as far as Christmas, Birthdays, etc. I worked very hard to make it fair across the board…all the time. Different but fair, for sure. And if you asked the twins they would say the same. (I have asked them.) We are very open here.
It is my failures and experience and discussions, specifically with my dad, that drives my decisions in regards to what I do and don’t do for all my children. I want to do better. I don’t want to be an enabler or create children/adults who wind up like me. Being a bit harder now, will hopefully, help them be better than I have ever been. (And yes, have had that discussion too.)
They both have steady/stable jobs, that are “essential.” While they don’t make a ton of money, they make plenty of money for their lifestyle IF they make wise decisions. And a good living for this area. If we were anywhere else, at their current pay rates, it would be a different story.
The bottom line is they will never learn if I continue to support them. And I would rather they learn now…in their 20s when their responsibilities are just themselves, then be like me and not get it until their 40s.