by Claire
I am pretty much ready for 2012 to be in the books! I’m trying not to get too down but feelings of discouragement are definitely pronounced right now. I think this is normal considering what I’ve been through and what I am going through. The good news is, I guess, that I’m not rushing out to spend money to make myself feel better, right? I am looking forward to a fun time with friends tonight for a birthday party and then fun with my kids and family for New Year’s Eve. Oh and I am still working out having taken up a few cycling/spin classes at the gym! This tax thing has me experiencing a wide range of emotions. The biggest one is relief though–because my logical brain knows I am lucky that I didn’t get screwed over any more than I did! It could have been much, much worse. The emotional part of my brain rages that a man I tried so hard to love well did this to me.
For those of you who may not have been around in August (and for my own healing), I’ve got to post Steve’s comment written on August 24, 2012. This was just 5 days before he signed a lease behind my back. I hope this is the last of my comments that reference him but I suspect with decisions he made regarding the filing of his tax return, this won’t be the last we hear of him. As I read this earlier today I had another a-ha moment. I am far from perfect and I am fully aware of my flaws. I do, however, work hard to overcome my shortcomings and always strive to do better today than I did yesterday. I put my all into whatever I try to do and I’ve been blessed to reach goals I’ve set. I try always to put my God first. I have a great extended family, a good relationship with the father of my children, a lot of happy and healthy friendships, a good career and I bust my ass to raise happy and healthy children. I am not without misses (as evidenced by my debt on the right hand side of this page!) but that too is being dealt with now. It occurred to me that my very existence was a constant threat to Steve.
Please insert “in my opinion” in front of all of the following statements: Where my kids excelled, his struggled. While my relationhips with siblings, parents, aunts and all were sometimes challenging, the relationships were never completely severed. Steve cut out the few family members he had from his life on a regular basis. I earned my law degree with little delay and he always wanted to get his MBA but could never get around to getting everything done to make that happen–in spite of all of my offers of help. I do not go a day without a friend checking in on me and I am a good friend in return. He had no friends to speak of. In short, I believe I was a constant reminder of his failings.
As I said when I first announced the split, I am not here to bash him or air out dirty laundry. I am here to blog about debt. Obviously my divorce has changed the debt pay off plan and so it is, therefore, relevant. But the main reason I share is my heart and head and gut tell me there are people out there that need to read about my journey. There are people out there who can’t fathom leaving the abusive marriage they may be in and, as cliche as it may sound, if one person is helped by seeing my story, then it was not in vain.
So take a look at the words from my loving husband–that did, at the time, make me swoon. Great things await me and my children in 2013 and I thank God for the opportunity to embrace them with wonder and gratitude.
Greetings! This is Claire’s husband. After watching my wife bare her financial soul and diligently post day after day, it is long overdue for me to introduce myself and comment. Especially since I am a beneficiary of the advice shared so freely both directly and indirectly. First of all, I just want to take a minute to let the blogosphere know how much I adore and respect this woman. She is truly in a league of her own. Her dad once said that he created the perfect woman and I am very thankful to him for this beautiful gift I have the privilege of calling my wife.
Secondly, thank you to the followers of the blog that offer such great advice. Your comments are the source of many meaningful discussions we have and weigh in the decisions we make. Your voice counts, a lot.
Now for the lease to own discussion. I realize this is beyond my expertise so your suggestions are well received. Before she and I get too involved in the decision, I should mention that we do not have confirmation that the terms of the mortgage would allow for any such arrangement. Once we have a better understanding of the flexibility, or not, we have with the mortgage contract we can then pursue the options with a professional in the field. Should we have a green light to move forward, one option that seems to hold the most promise for our circumstances is a wraparound mortgage. This is an attractive option because it is hard for buyers to qualify, we have relatively no equity in the property and the tenants (prospective buyers) have been reliable (knock on wood). Basically, the reasons why the housing market has been in a funk make it viable to owner finance. The calculators I find all indicate this is very doable. Downside is the housing market is a moving target so there is risk but possible reward. This exercise is very eye opening though. It quickly showed me how lucrative it can be to use higher end financial vehicles to build wealth. I can just hear her now and see her eyes roll at me as she wonders what crazy ideas I will come up with as a result. Laughing, thank you for your patience and understanding, Love.
Born and raised in Texas. I’ve at least driven through every state in the US courtesy of a roadtrip loving Dad.
I’m single with two children and a good parenting relationship with their father.
I am a “life is just half full of funny” kinda gal. Humor is my saving grace and I am thankful for it every single day. I have a strong Catholic faith and am thankful for that foundation.
I read a lot for a living but still enjoy a good book. I love biographies but in recent years have found the need for fun fictional books–sadly, for a long time I just didn’t enjoy fiction!
I love live theatre of any kind–from local productions to Broadway.
I love to scrapbook and pride myself in my kids’ albums.
I love being a mom but also love my career. I’m blessed to have found a balance allowing me to be at everything my kids need and want me to be at–while also having a career.
Favorite Quotes: Well behaved women rarely make history.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -James Bryant Conant
I like reading about you and Steven and how you deal with all that happened and happens. But it also gives me a bit of a guilty feeling, I feel a bit like a peeping Tom seeing things not intended for me. Maybe you could write at least once about the financial consequences of your divorce. What happened with your budget, how much money do you now have to reduce your debts. Things like that. I think lots of people can actually learn from that!
Hi Claire,
Please do not be discouraged after all you have accomplished getting this far. I think you have clearly shown that you have what it takes to deal with divorce, debt payment, maintaining healthy relationships and taking care of your kids and yourself. Steve is now an element of the past and since that you do not have kids together, it should be easier for you to get over what he has done. You need to focus on your family and debt now.
We all are here to support you when you feel blue.
I think posting about the relationship you had with Steve is incredibly important to your blogging about getting out of debt. We are given statistics almost daily about divorce rates and the number one reason for divorce is still wait for it . . . money. Of course, a lot of other issues go into a couple’s decision to divorce (just as I know you and Steve’s decision to divorce has varied reasons) but money still play a very large roll. I think your blogging about this stage in your life could be helpful to potential (and even current readers) – honesty and intimacy in every aspect of your relationship, especially money, is vital to successful relationships.
I hope 2013 will be a better year for you, as cliche as it may sound. You are a very hard working, resiliant woman and you now have to ability to move past your previous spending problems. I wish you all the best Claire!
Reading about Steve sends shivers down my back. You had the misfortune to fall in love with a born con man. Everything you say of him reminds me of an ex-brother-in-law. Luckily my sister-in-law got out from under him eventually. He hoped to be a doctor but had no staying power and spent the money she earned to put him through med. school in other ways. Now he is a known criminal and cannot go to 3 different States where the police would probably pick him up. They did have two wonderful, squeaky honest Children, now adult. So something came out of this nasty marriage.
Try not to be down, Claire. You really can make a new start in the new year and put this all behind you. Keep plugging along at your goals. There will always be setbacks and it’s how you cope and deal with them that defines you. Let go of this enormous sense of guilt and failure that you’re feeling about your debt, grab it by the horns, and conquer it like you have all of the other challenges in your life. When you pay it off, it will be another success story to add to your long list. It’s time you started looking out for YOU.
Clear to see why you fell for him. .. he has a way with words. What a snake.
Claire
I have been following you since you started blogging here, and have been very sympathetic to the stresses of the last few months.
However, and I am saying this as kindly as I can – I think you crossed a line when you point to Steve’s children (and their struggles) and your children (and their triumphs) and try to make any point in doing so. Steve’s children are children and shouldn’t be brought into your issues with him (no matter what their struggles may be).
Also, and I say this as a parent who loves my children and is very proud of them – all children will struggle at some point in their lives. Just as all children will have triumphs. Many times, those struggles and triumphs will have absolutely nothing to do with our parenting. Even if we are wonderful or terrible parents. Struggles and triumphs are part of life.
Be angry and disillusioned at Steve as much as you would like. Try to act with more grace when it comes to looking at his children or deciding to use their lives to try to score a point off Steve.
I look forward to reading your continued triumphs and struggles in the New Year, and wish you well in your debt journey.
Gotta agree with Sasha on this one. Don’t bring any of your kids into this – its not about them.
I’ve followed this blog for years, since it began way back with Trisha (I think that was her name!). Anyhow, personally, I’m ready to hear about debt and not your divorce. I do understand how it completely effects the finances, but talk about that, not the ex. I’m just tired of it, I suppose.
Again I’m a daily reader and I have seriously thought about cutting the chord for a while until you can talk about finances again.
Clair, I have to agree with Sasha and Janelle C. and just say I was really surprised to see your opinion about your cildren and Steve’s children at in print in your blog. We do not get to choose our parents, and it is so wrong to use the kids as public or private cannon fodder. It was a cheap shot and really beneath you.
For being glad to be rid of steve, you sound awfully bitter!
“…all children will struggle at some point in their lives. Just as all children will have triumphs. Many times, those struggles and triumphs will have absolutely nothing to do with our parenting.”
I absolutely agree with this! I know someone who was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. This means he spent his childhood and all of college thinking there was something lacking in his character when it came to focusing and making deadlines. So there’s a lot of emotional baggage, even though he knows now that he has ADHD. And, being diagnosed as an adult means that he didn’t learn how to manage his condition early on. He had to come up with coping mechanisms as an adult, after struggling to keep a job, etc.
And none of this is his parents’ fault. Sure, someone could point to his step-siblings and say, “Oh, his step-mom and her ex must have done a better job raising their children. They’re successful and on a steady career path!” But that isn’t close to the truth at all. His steps don’t have ADHD, so the part of their lives that involves studying and making deadlines is easy compared to my friend’s.
Sounds like a textbook abuser. Puts you up just to tear you down. Kissed your butt so you don’t leave. That kind of thing. I had never read his comment before, but I don’t find anything surprising about it, given the circumstances. Though I understand this must be very confusing to you. With more time and more space you will be able to make further peace with it all.
Hang in there – 2012 is almost over!!
2013 will hopefully be a well deserved fresh start. Good luck!
I am in so much debt because of the change in my marital status but I am many years past all the emotional/caring stuff and I just have the debt to deal with. It feels like I am carrying such a weight. Looking forward to the budget and the financial plan for 2013. Onward and upward.
I don’t mind reading about parts of your life that aren’t strictly about debt reduction… it paints a fuller picture of you as a person and of your financial situation.
However, in thinking of what might be most helpful to YOU, and after reading about hour ex’s many issues, it might be useful to do some soul searching about how and why you came to choose a man like that as a potential life partner. Focusing on his flaws is cathartic and easy. But, you can’t actually do anything about those things. What you can do is figure out why you allowed a man like that into your life and into your children’s lives and why you settled for someone who is far less capable and accomplished than you are.
Thank you for posting about your personal issues in your blog. Tricia and Beks, your predecessors here, both wrote extensively about their personal lives. I never would have stuck with the blog this long without all the open sharing. It would be dry and boring. Financial information can be found anywhere. Financial information in the context of someone’s personal life is more interesting and helpful.
As someone going through almost an exact mirror of your divorce, it has helped me to read your exceptional grace and composure in handling the situation. Thank you for being so open and honest.