by Claire
(For those that may have missed it: Our history is never far away — Part I)
At this time I was not ready to face my own crisis with debt. In fact, his financial situation was a nice distraction from my own. Let me clear about something–yes, the $55K or so in credit card debt is in my name but at least a small portion of that is from this time period where I bridged a gap created by the unfortunate work situation he faced. While he does not have debt, he is a spender and definitely spent more than he was “guaranteed” to earn but would then “take care of it” with the big commission checks that always seemed to come at the right time. He ended up being hired in a new position with the same company and for the first time in his career, there was no commission involved with this position. That appeals to my personality because I like the “known” but it doesn’t really match his personality as he rather have the opportunity to work harder and make more money. He does now have a salary that covers all of his obligations which is very important to him and I am able to meet all of my obligations with my salary, but neither of us would have a lot left over to make progress of savings or debt reduction without combining our efforts. I think it is critical that we not look at this as “yours and mine” b/c it creates such tension and resentment. That is what kept us stuck for so long. I really believe that it all happened for a reason and that is to teach two fiercely independent personalities that relying on one another can be mutually beneficial, humbling AND empowering all at the same time. And I was and am completely ready to move forward with a joint effort to tackle our financial demons…but…
As we enter the fourth week of “Operation Debt Wipe Out” I sense some tension similar to those early days of our marriage. Maybe he resents the fact that the majority of the credit card debt is mine or maybe he wishes he saved more money when he got those huge commission checks…I’m not sure. I know there needs to be open communication about all of this and am taking to heart the very, very valid tips you provide in your comments…and we will get there. But as someone pointed out in a comment, a blended family is a tough, tough situation! Thank you to the 33-year survivor for sharing b/c sometimes you do feel very much like you are alone so that was wonderful to read. We’ve been married just 2 years and 3 months and have faced some gigantic challenges already with more to come and some days it just seems like we’ll never be in the same financial book…let alone on the same page.
Finally, as for the question about my husband doing a guest post…oh how I hope one day that will come to be! At this point, his place on the journey is such that I’m not sure he is even looking at the blog. I DID discuss it with him at length before agreeing to proceed and I know he wanted to be supportive of this option but it does make him (and me) feel very, VERY vulnerable…clearly not our strongest trait…which also happened for a reason. Time is all that can help–that and progress–so that he can see the good out of my sharing.
Oh and if this post is too long well…so be it. Writing comes very easily to me and I regret if reading it isn’t as easy for some of you readers.
This is me.
Born and raised in Texas. I’ve at least driven through every state in the US courtesy of a roadtrip loving Dad.
I’m single with two children and a good parenting relationship with their father.
I am a “life is just half full of funny” kinda gal. Humor is my saving grace and I am thankful for it every single day. I have a strong Catholic faith and am thankful for that foundation.
I read a lot for a living but still enjoy a good book. I love biographies but in recent years have found the need for fun fictional books–sadly, for a long time I just didn’t enjoy fiction!
I love live theatre of any kind–from local productions to Broadway.
I love to scrapbook and pride myself in my kids’ albums.
I love being a mom but also love my career. I’m blessed to have found a balance allowing me to be at everything my kids need and want me to be at–while also having a career.
Favorite Quotes: Well behaved women rarely make history.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -James Bryant Conant
Well I hope you are able to work this out and avoid any resentment between the two of you. Unbalanced finances in a relationship can cause a lot of problems. Not only does it create tension, but then money becomes a difficult subject to discuss. If he isn’t already he should take the time to read your blog, but I could see how it could be intimidating to read all about your side of the story. He might realize how the positive feedback on here can be very helpful.
First, I have to say I am enjoying getting to know you and cheering you on.
Second, I know how difficult it can be to combine finances. My boyfriend and I finally did it after a year of living together when we both took 40% paycuts at work. (We worked then for the same place, and it wasn’t a paycut but a “change in compensation.”) Overall it has turned into the best thing we ever did. Together we are paying down all of our debt and planning for our future together. It is great to know when we get married we will have been on the same financial page for quite a while.
Keep your head up and stay focused. Nickels and pennies add up to dollars.
sounds like you are working on it – i understand the vulnerability thing, hence, i don’t have a public debt blog 🙂
keep working on it…be on the same team.
Me and Hubby have been blended for going on 13 years now and it was not easy at first on the financial front. The first couple years were the hardest but now is smooth sailing and we never fight about money now, we have learned to lean on each other when times get rough. Communication without blame is a huge benefit and key where each can define their dreams and why you are wanting to reduce debt.
I also understand the vulnerability you feel with blogging. I reveal every aspects of our meager income and expenses in hopes I can help other low income people and putting yourself out in the open so much can give you a very real sense of feeling vulernable.
I hope you guys resolve the source of resentments so you can work on removing it from the equation and concentrate on teamwork!
When I decided to get serious about our spending habits, my husband was so not on board with the program. In fact, I would say the first several years of our marriage was both of us deciding to spend on things we shouldn’t have “because the other person got to get something they wanted”.
When I said “enough is enough, this needs to change” the first thing I had to accept was that I couldn’t make my husband come to the table and just agree with my plan. So, I started slowly. I took the money that *I* already had budgeted in “my” spending plan (I took care of groceries and miscellaneous stuff for the house and children) and I got tough with my own spending. I started clipping coupons, shopping smarter and choosing to buy less. Every week, I took money off the weekly budget before I even started spending and put it into a new savings acct. I then tried my hardest not to spend the remainder and any leftover money got deposited at the end of the week into that same savings acct.
It was inspiring to see that savings acct grow. And it was growing without anyone else having to change their behavior or spending choices. After a year of doing this (with me going cash only and not using credit cards at all) – my husband and I were able to start having conversations about how we were both seeing a difference not only in our spending/savings but also in our relationship and the lack of fighting over finances. As a couple, we made the next set of changes which allowed us to pay our irregular bills differently (and with less stress). I kept up the savings plan I had started and we just added to it.
Now, we are almost 5 years into our plan, and not only are we saving more this year than we have in any year previously – we are able to sit down and talk about each of our goals, our wants and how we can make them happen. There are some goals we are close to achieving, some that are several years away and some that will take 30 more years to get to. But we are finally on a path that we both feel good about and are on it together.
It didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t always smooth sailing. But, when we took a pay cut 3 years ago (and still saved more that year than in any year previous) we could see that our efforts were paying off.
I will tell you that Mary Hunt’s books on finance were the ones that really gave me a plan of action. I know other people are huge Dave Ramsey supporters (and for good reason). Whatever works for you is what you should follow. And remember, you can only control yourself. Be the example you want to see in the world and let that example (not lecturing or other pressure) be what leads your husband and children to making changes when they see the light.
Good luck, every step you take gets you further through the process. 🙂
Sasha — I like what you said about only being able to control yourself. It looks like you led by example, and that is what I’m finding I have to do. My husband and I are nowhere near where Claire and her husband are, although we are trying to get there. My husband got a “pay raise” of sorts when I got my job because I took myself and our two girls off of his insurance and put us on mine (which was less expensive). He thanked me the other day for “making” him follow a budget and not use credit cards anymore — he has found that it is the end of the month and he still has money in his wallet and in his savings account (he only gets paid on the first of the month)! Our issues have been with what to do with the leftover money in our joint account at the end of the month — I want to put it into our emergency fund (which currently only has $250 in it) and he always finds something to spend it on. Granted, those somethings are things we need to take care of, but it feels like it’s always something. Your post helps me feel that it is okay to make the changes on my end and I know he’ll get there in time. Thanks!
I took the same tack of beginning it myself – cutting spending, paying off the most dire bills. Eventually DH realized that with those debts gone he could breathe easier when opening the mail and our fights about money decreased, so he got on board with budgeting. I heard him say to a friend one day last year – you can’t run from your problems because they’ll always come back, my wife showed me that you have to take care of them. It takes time and some results for the tension to go away.
PS – Re: the tension. Some people get weary talking about money all of the time – weekly instead of daily meetings could help. Some people hate being told what to do or being scrutinized all of the time. For that reason we each have $X of fun money per paycheck to spend. Some people get discouraged easily, and need visuals (bar charts, etc.) to help them see the progress. Just a few ideas.