Disclaimer: My husband IS aware of this post and, as you will see, participated in its drafting. Fasten your seatbelts–this one is a doozie!
I am trying to figure out the best way to convey a lot of information without overwhelming everyone with a lot of information. Let’s start with the upcoming changes that sort of got this discussion started. Steve has been paying private school tuition since 1996 when his eldest (OS= Older Son) started Montessori. That son will graduate from a catholic high school in a few days. The younger son (YS) is graduating from 8th grade and will be continuing on to the same private high school. We pay $800 per month for OS’s tuition and $500 per month for the YS. As of June 1, Steve is reaching the end of this marathon.
Simultaneously we have really been trying to nail down a more precise budget and see what we can do to pay off the credit card debt earlier than December 2014. (I do have good news to share on that front…but that must wait for another post). He spent a lot of time and energy today updating the spreadsheet and I am thankful. Let me preface this with the fact that all of the credit card debt is mine and Steve is only on the car loans. His 1996 BMW with 275,000 miles fell out from under him and due to his own income changes (went to salary after an entire career in sales–with very nice commission checks) he took out a car loan for the first time since 1999. Steve will admit that he may not have gone into debt but he also did not save money when those huge checks came in. Oh I must share (trying to be objective) that he got one last hefty commission check in September of 2010 ($24K or so) and spent a lot of it moving us out of one house into another and all the associated expenses. He also spent $2500 of that on the now dead BMW.
So where is the disagreement? As I have previously posted we currently each get $200 every Friday. Out of this $200 we split groceries (running about $50 per person, $100 total for the week), we pay for our gas (currently at $40 for him, $60 for me) and then any and all other expenses. Haircuts, kid school expenses, gifts, dog food, incidentals, mad money, and unknown other crap! The good news is we are hearing you (okay I am hearing you loud and clear…Steve…slow to hear but I think we have progress) and know that this $200 has GOT to be broken down. I really believe I can do groceries at $125 per week (I am turning into a maniac on planning and couponing) and then gas is $100 per week. Deducting this from our current $400 per week amount we have $175 total, $87.50 per week for “no explanation needed” spending….do what you will…mad money!
I think that is plenty if everything else is taken care of ESPECIALLY because this is supposed to be uncomfortable! Steve, on the other hand, wants an additional $100 per week in spending money so that he can create a “savings” to get things that he has put off b/c so much income was going to tuition. I disagree. My argument is that we have been on this plan for much too little time to be making that kind of increase. Again…back to my drunk analogy…just when it starts getting uncomfy and there’s access to booze…should you partake? NO.
Steve’s argument is that he also walked into this relationship as well with a $90,000 debt of sorts–because of his boys’ private school tuition. He has come to a major milestone of paying off a big chunk of his obligation so he thinks it is reasonable to be rewarded with $100 additional spending money per week. He began the race when OS was 2 years old and he has been running it for 16 years. He’s down to his last 15% of the debt and his payments have dropped 50%. He is going from $1300 per month to $800 a month effective August 2012 and he wants $400 of that $500 savings in his pocket to spend on what he has done without (clothing, shoes, gym membership, bicycle…etc). Side note: These are Steve’s words and he has approved this message.
I suggested taking a full month’s tuition ($1300) on June 1–which I don’t think is a good idea really but I figured it could be the reward for crossing the finish line for him–and doing what he will. He refuses. I suggested taking the $500 “raise” and putting it toward his mortgage on the pre-marriage house. He refuses. He wants more control over more spending money and my fear is no behavior modification is taking place. If our respective spending habits don’t change we are in for a world of hurt!
He wants me to share that he will have two extra paychecks this year totaling $4000 that will all be going toward debt reduction and that he is not sabotaging my efforts.
What do you think?
My last hair salon visit was in late January or early February. I have now colored it at home twice with the John Frieda foam and am pleased with the results. I’m even more pleased with the money I am saving! Wow. I was spending a lot of money on my hair!! I do need a haircut but for now I am enjoying wearing my hair pulled up or back. I am also following some of the advice readers gave early on…and the one I have found most beneficial is to wash my hair less! I never expected that idea to be a hit. While I am not able to do as someone suggested and go WEEKS without washing, I am now washing 3 times a week. I am using less product all the way around and am saving time too.
I was reminded to update you on my progress in this area because I received a message from my longtime hair dresser. He wrote to ask what I was doing for my color now that I am in major money saving mode and not coming to see him at the salon. I wrote back and gave him the scoop. He was very understanding and the conversation turn to my sharing info about Hulu and Netflix! He and his wife just had a baby so they are looking for places to save. I thought that was a fun…and encouraging turn of events!
I estimate that my hair was costing about $2400 a year. I’m glad to have that to $20 for 4 months and counting!
We are now at almost a full month without cable television and I have to share just how great it is! The kids have had a little adjustment–we all have actually–but it isn’t anything that is causing major heartburn. As predicted, it has freed up time I think b/c when it is regular cable all of us tend to go from one show to the next b/c it just happens. Now, with hulu plus and netflix we have to take some extra steps to watch something else and that seems to be moving us along. Also, we can all sit down together and watch one or two favorite tv shows and having that set time then encourages us to get back to things when the show is done. We played Scrabble and Bananagrams this weekend and did lots of organizing around the house–and had a little outdoor time too. I am feeling better with the start of this week just because of some very basic things being done around the house.
Flylady is back amongst us and we are working her routines. Perfectionism is not the goal and even the little stuff we did get done on this restful weekend is making a difference.
Pet ownership can be very expensive. We have two dogs and feeding them alone is costly. I’m a big believer in “never say never” but tonight when a friend asked for donations to pay for vet bills for her injured cat…I admit it…I said “I will never solicit help from friends to pay for vet bills.” Am I being harsh here? Is it just plain tacky to ask your friends to each contribute to prevent Fido’s leg from being amputated?!
I remember reading that Beks faced vet costs and I think she borrowed to pay those—but I haven’t had a chance to go back and look at the related posts.
It is easy to say that we’d have a dollar limit set ahead of time but the reality is all bets are off if something were to happen to a family pet. Obviously our emergency savings is pathetic so we can’t afford a pet..at all..let alone an injured pet!
Anyway, I hope this isn’t something we have to deal with during this journey but my friend’s request reminds me of the importance of an emergency fund as well as the reality that pet ownership is like anything else…expensive. Oh…and my husband’s employer now offers pet insurance…any thoughts on that? We haven’t even discussed it or looked into it but I do know it is offered. I am not going to sign up for it tomorrow but I am curious to know if any of your have experience with this.
Happy Mother’s Day! I am looking forward to a day of simplicity and time with family. My kids have worked on handmade gifts which are always the absolute best! We will be visiting my mom and taking her a homemade meal that my kids and I will prepare. Something very simple but the meals from our kitchen are always the best for my parents and we have plenty on hand to save the money of stopping to pick a meal up. My parents aren’t able to get out and about these days so we’ll go to them and enjoy family time.
For those of you who are moms—enjoy your day! For all stepmoms–know that you are valued on this day and all days…even if stepkids aren’t able to make that known loud and clear. For all of us blessed to have our mothers with us…enjoy celebrating your mom in whatever way you are able. For those of you who have lost your mothers, savor the memories and for those of you hurting over your relationship with your mom…may you find peace. 
And remember…the best advice of all…listen to your mother!
As I was chewing on my want of a housekeeper and all of the dialogue that post generated I came across an NPR segment. It was a recent story on financial and legal advisor Richard Watts’ new book, Fables of Fortune: What Rich People Have That You Don’t Want. Mr. Watts advises the very wealthy and has gathered some good stories along the way. He says there is truth to thae phrase that more money means more problems.
The segment can be read here: http://www.npr.org/2012/05/08/152258879/can-mo-money-really-mean-mo-problems
The portion that really struck me was the story about the author’s son’s credit card debt. His son, Todd, was a student at the University of Southern California. Todd was put on a budget but the lifestyle he led was not attainable on that budget so he went to town with credit cards–without his parents knowledge. Upon graduation, Todd had $48,000 in credit card debt. Gulp. What’s a parent to do?!
The paragraph that answers that question is this:
“And it was horrific and it created a situation where my wife and I sat looking at each other and my wife said, he’s a great kid. He got great grades. He’s going on to graduate school. Pay it off. Just write a check and pay it off. And I said, first of all, I can’t do that and, second of all, I won’t do that. And we made him pay and, over the next years, he lived with four guys in an apartment. He had very little he could do for four years.”
Yes, that is the correct answer indeed! But what really, really, REALLY jumped out at me from this paragraph was that last sentence…”He had very little he could do for four years.” Yes, four years is a long time. And, in my case, 2.5 to 3 years is a long time. BUT…in the grand scheme…I think we can all remember 3 years ago and also marvel at just how fast that time has gone!
On my good days I “get” that “to have very little I can do” for the next 3 years is my reality. On the days I feel strong I know it will be worth every “pass” I have to make…every “no thank you…not now” because the reward is freedom from the albatross that this debt has become. A comment from reader Debt-Free Dan hit the nail on the head—I’m not reverting to bad behaviors when I share that I am about to spend money but instead recalibrating (thanks Dan!). I have to be vigilant about sharing those thoughts so they get out there and I learn to make better decisions.
Final thought–I am confident there are many, MANY readers out there that CAN relate to my crazy debt and that will keep me writing! Keep reading because we are in this together!
I didn’t arrive as the blogger on this blog totally and completely committed to getting out of debt…sure, I wanted to and I still do want to…but I never told anyone (including the blog owner) that I was ready for this to happen NOW without setbacks or that I was ready to give up the lifestyle I created with debt NOW. In fact, I was very, very early in my recovery process when I found out they were looking for a new blogger! The timing of that was no accident (my belief is it was God’s hand getting me to where I needed to be to have any hope of undoing my debt) but I want to be clear that I had not been on some debt reduction course for weeks or months before showing up to blog. As of December 31, 2011 I was STILL adding to the debt and not caring too much that I was doing so!
As a result of where I am at in my recovery, my readers will have to put up with my popping off with what I WANT to do NOW or what I WANT to get NOW. Will you want to shake your monitor to get me to stop my crazy thoughts?! Yep. Will I disappoint you when I report that I DID do something I probably shouldn’t have? You betcha! Will you think I’m a complete lunatic with decisions I consider and maybe eventually make? Without a doubt. But, I’ll continue to open myself up to the risk because that’s why I am here.
It is a process and a very difficult one at that! An advance thank you to everyone who tolerates my whining and responds kindly, yet sternly. I’m like a drunk really…and when a drunk announces they’re really craving a drink but they are stopping to think before they partake, I’m pretty sure saying “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT, DO YOU DRUNK? YOU DON’T SEE THAT ALCOHOL IS RUINING YOU AND YOU’VE DONE NOTHING FOR YOUR FUTURE OR YOUR KIDS’ FUTURE. YOU FEEL JUSTIFIED IN DRINKING SO YOU WILL FEEL GOOD” would not fall in the “Top Ten Things to Say to a Recovering Drunk.” If I didn’t have a good head on my shoulders I might have gone on a binge last night and hired 3 housekeepers!
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About This Site
My Debt
- Original Debt: $97,293.06
- Paid: $1,927.89
- Remaining: $95,365.17
- Emergency Fund: $1100
- Broken Down
- Line of Credit 2: $0.00
- Line of Credit 1: $0.00
- Credit Card 1: $0.00
- Credit Card 2: $245.00
- Credit Card 3: $405.00
- Credit Card 6: $1,785.00
- Credit Card 7: $2,381.17
- Consolidation Loan: $11,000.00
- Credit Card 10: $14,519.00
- Auto Loan 1: $16,093.00
- Credit Card 11: $23,873.00
- Auto Loan 2: $25,064.00
Finance Blogging Buddies
- Beachgirl’s Budget Blog
- Becoming and Staying Debt Free
- Boston Gals Open Wallet
- Debt Free Hispanic
- Debt Kid
- Debt Reduction 101
- Dual Income No Kids
- Everybody Loves Your Money
- Financial Hack
- Free Money Finance
- From the Brink of Bankruptcy
- Generation X Finance
- GRACEful Retirement
- Grad Money Matters
- It’s Your Money
- Josephsangl.com
- Kick Debt’s Butt
- Lazy Man and Money
- Low Income Life
- Make Love Not Debt
- Mapgirl’s Fiscal Challenge
- Mighty Bargain Hunter
- Money, Matter and More Musings
- My 1st Million at 33
- No Credit Needed
- One Million and Beyond
- Personal Finance Advice
- pfblogs.org
