by Ashley
While I’m not the regular Ramsey-listener that I used to be, I do sometimes see his stuff pop up on my social media and, occasionally, a headline will grab my attention enough to make me click to see more.
A 26-year-old nurse with $90,000 in student loans called into The Ramsey Show. Her boyfriend makes $250,000 a year, but he refuses to propose until she is completely debt-free.
Dave’s response was blunt:
“If you were my daughter, do you know what I would tell you? Dump him… He’s making you prove your worth based on money. You’re having to buy your way into this relationship. You’re a princess and you deserve more than this…it’s a toxic and unhealthy relationship.”
He went on to say that one of the top causes for divorce in North America is money fights and money problems. Given that they’re already having money-related relationship issues, why enter into a marriage at this point?
Here is the original video, via YouTube.
The Nuance
If you’re just looking at the headline, it seems crazy for Dave to tell the caller to get out of the relationship over the situation. But digging in deeper, his point is that the caller and her boyfriend are actually on the same page already. Both of them don’t like debt. Both of them want her to get rid of the debt.
In fact, the caller started with closer to $160,000 of debt (side-note: that seems like an incredibly high amount of student loan debt for a 4-year degree), so she’s shown that she’s committed to paying off the debt and has made great strides in that direction. Refusing to propose until it’s gone, therefore, feels like manipulation. If they’re already aligned in their goals and their future plans, the caller’s partner should not be holding this over her head the way he is.
Why This Matters For A Lot Of People
I’m curious about people who enter into dating relationships where there is a large income discrepancy and/or a large debt discrepancy. Dave’s point wasn’t that debt doesn’t matter. It does. And he wants the caller to get out of debt (and she’s shown she’s well on her way). The problem is when debt becomes a measure of someone’s worth in the relationship.
I think this would be a very different conversation if the caller were still spending frivolously, racking up credit card debt, or making no effort to change. But she’s not. That’s not the situation here.
If you were dating someone and you found out they had a huge amount of debt, would that be a deal-breaker for you?
When my now-husband and I first met, he was 100% debt-free (minus his home). While I had made great strides in my debt-payoff process, I still had quite a bit of debt, spread between student debt and legal fees (from my prior divorce). I can’t imagine what my life would look like if he’d looked at my debt and thought “nope – can’t be together!” I can see the debt causing him to take pause….but the fact that I was able to show so much traction and investment in becoming debt-free means we are on the same page financially. I think the same is true of this caller and her boyfriend.
At the same time, I can understand where the boyfriend may be coming from. Marriage joins two people’s financial lives, and it’s reasonable to want confidence that your partner has healthy financial habits. For me, though, there’s an important distinction between evaluating someone’s financial behavior and making your commitment contingent on reaching a specific dollar amount. Those aren’t the same thing.
What do you guys think? Should this girl leave her partner because he refuses to propose until she’s debt-free? Is that toxic? Or is he just protecting himself? Thoughts?
Hi, I’m Ashley! Arizonan on paper, Texan at heart. Lover of running, blogging, and all things cheeeeese. Early 40s, married mother of twins, and working in academia. Currently working toward financial independence with the goal of (hopefully!) retiring early at 50.
