by Ashley
My husband and I were recently talking with a friend who has started dating again after a divorce. He shared some of the struggles of dating in midlife, and my husband tried to reassure him by pointing out everything he has going for him.
He owns a home. He has a paid-off car, no debt, and a good-paying job.
Those facts alone apparently make him a unicorn in the dating desert in our area.
We laughed, but the conversation got me thinking about how much finances matter when choosing a partner. It’s easy to focus on whether someone is kind, funny, attractive, or emotionally available. But at this stage of life, we aren’t exactly starting with blank financial slates. People may enter relationships with homes, retirement accounts, children, student loans, credit card balances, or financial obligations from a previous marriage.
So what happens when you meet someone you love….and then learn that person has a mountain of debt? Is that a deal-breaker?
That was the situation facing a recent caller to The Ramsey Show. Matthew and his fiancée live together, share an 18-month-old daughter, and each have a car loan. They’re engaged but have not combined their finances. Matthew knew his fiancée had some credit card debt, but he apparently did not realize the balance had grown to $75,000.
Yes. $75,000 in credit card debt.
Some of the balance existed before their relationship, while more accumulated after her work situation changed and their daughter was born. Matthew also discovered that necessities like formula and diapers were going onto cards and not being paid off each month.
This all begs the question: When does your partner’s financial problem become your problem?
How did the Debt Get So High?
According to Matthew, his fiancée had previously worked as much as 70 hours a week before cutting back substantially. Her income dropped, but her spending habits apparently did not.
Her employment was also interrupted during her pregnancy when her workplace closed for renovations. That seems to be when the credit card balances really started to snowball. I don’t share those details to excuse the debt. There is clearly a major problem when someone accumulates $75,000 in credit card balances without their partner knowing about it (or not knowing the full extent).
But the backstory does matter.
This wasn’t $75,000 spent on designer purses and luxury vacations. At least some of the money paid for ordinary household expenses and necessities for their baby. That doesn’t make the debt less real, but it does make the situation more complicated than “she spends too much.” Because the couple kept their finances separate, Matthew apparently didn’t know how often she was using the cards…or that some of the purchases were for expenses they arguably should have been sharing.
The situation is especially expensive because credit cards remain one of the costliest forms of consumer debt, with Federal Reserve data showing cards assessed interest averaged about 22% earlier in 2026. At that rate, a $75,000 balance could generate enormous interest charges if the couple cannot aggressively reduce the principal.
Separate Finances…Sort Of
Matthew and his fiancée may have separate finances on paper, but their lives are already deeply intertwined. They live together. They share a young child. They are engaged. Each also owes approximately $13,000 on a vehicle.
They became engaged this summer but had not set a wedding date because they wanted to marry in the Catholic Church. This has put them in an unusual in-between situation: They function as a family in many ways, but they have not combined their finances or gained the legal protections that come with marriage.
The Ramsey hosts pointed out that the $75,000 technically belongs to Matthew’s fiancée. Matthew’s personal debt is his car loan.
But I think that distinction becomes pretty murky when some of the borrowed money paid for diapers and formula for their shared child.
Were those really her expenses?
Matthew may not be legally responsible for paying the credit cards, but this isn’t entirely her financial problem, either. If one person is quietly using high-interest debt to cover shared household necessities, the entire household has a cash-flow problem. At minimum, the couple needs much more transparency about how their shared expenses are being paid.
Ramsey’s Team Gave Him Two Very Different Choices
The Ramsey team boiled Matthew’s options down to two very different paths.
First, the couple could remain financially separate until marriage. Matthew would focus on paying off his own $13,000 car loan, while his fiancée would be responsible for her credit cards and vehicle loan.
Or they could legally marry sooner, combine their finances, and attack all of the debt together. Even if they waited to have the larger church celebration.
I understand the logic behind those choices. If they intend to build a life together, they eventually need to decide whether they are operating as two separate individuals or as a financial team.
But I’m not entirely convinced these are the only options.
There is a lot of space between immediately assuming responsibility for someone else’s $75,000 balance and saying, “Well, your name is on the cards. Good luck with that!”
Matthew could help create a budget, make sure their shared expenses are divided more realistically, and support his fiancée as she works through the debt without immediately combining accounts or putting his name on anything. In fact, I would want to see some serious changes before combining finances.
Is she still using the cards? Does she fully understand how the debt accumulated? Are they willing to work together to change spending? Do they have a realistic repayment plan? Are they both finally being transparent about income, expenses, and debt? Getting married doesn’t magically fix any of those issues.
Being Engaged Doesn’t Automatically Make the Debt Yours
There is also an important legal distinction that can get lost in the emotional debate: getting engaged to someone generally does not automatically make you responsible for credit cards that are solely in that person’s name. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau distinguishes between joint credit card holders and authorized users, and contractual responsibility for an account matters when determining who owes the creditor.
Even marriage does not automatically produce the same answer in every situation because state laws, joint accounts, co-signing, and other circumstances can affect liability. That is why someone facing a large partner-debt situation should understand exactly whose name appears on every account before transferring money, refinancing balances, or adding anyone as a joint borrower. “Should I help?” is a relationship question. “Am I legally required to pay?” is a different question entirely.
Paying Off the Cards Won’t Fix the Actual Problem
Let’s imagine Matthew suddenly came into $75,000 and wiped out every credit card tomorrow. The family could still end up right back in debt if nothing else changed.
His fiancée went from working extremely long hours to substantially fewer hours. Her workplace temporarily closed. She had a baby. Her income fell, but household expenses continued, and some probably increased.
Those circumstances are understandable. But the math still has to work. Formula, diapers, groceries, childcare, and utilities don’t disappear when the credit cards are cut up. Before either partner starts throwing money at the balances, they need to understand their combined monthly income, necessary household expenses, minimum debt payments, and how much money is realistically available for repayment.
They also need to decide who is responsible for which household expenses (or have a plan for paying shared household expenses). Otherwise, Matthew could be diligently paying his car loan while his fiancée continues charging diapers because she doesn’t have enough money left to buy them.
That’s not really “separate finances.” That’s a communication failure disguised as separate finances.
I would also be cautious about refinancing or consolidating the debt before the underlying problem is addressed. A lower interest rate could help on the short-term, but it could also free up the credit cards to be charged again.
The credit cards may legally belong to Matthew’s fiancée, but the financial problem is bigger than the names on the accounts. They share a home, a child, and (presumably) plans for a future together. Before they combine finances (or decide to keep them separate) they need to understand how shared expenses are being paid, how the debt grew so large, and what both of them are willing to change. To me, the lack of communication is almost as concerning as the $75,000 balance itself.
Would $75,000 in credit card debt be a deal-breaker for you? What would you need to see before combining finances with someone carrying that much debt?
Hi, I’m Ashley! Arizonan on paper, Texan at heart. Lover of running, blogging, and all things cheeeeese. Early 40s, married mother of twins, and working in academia. Currently working toward financial independence with the goal of (hopefully!) retiring early at 50.
