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Posts tagged with: divorce

Why we need that emergency fund…


I’m so thankful that I decided to give myself a break this month and just sock extra money into the emergency fund.  I knew it was important given the tenuous times I am in right now, but I didn’t know how important until my paycheck didn’t show up on Friday.  I changed the direct deposit from the joint account to my separate account as soon as Steve told me he was moving out.  As these things often go, there’s a delay. So, the direct deposit was successfully cancelled but the direct deposit into the separate account was not successfully set up.  A paper check is “in the mail.”  So glad I had enough set aside to bridge the weekend.  That may not seem like a big deal but given these uncertain times, I’m taking it as a small victory.

Also, because I am really sticking to my budget and still had plenty of cash in my pocket I just did not have to worry.  There is so much relief in that!  While I was certainly aware that I didn’t get paid, it did not send me into an all out panic.  My budget habits are intact even throughout this turmoil and I do recognize how fortunate I am in that regard!

I did receive a waiver of service in the mail and although it was simply a form provided to Steve by the district clerk, I was not willing to sign the document.  It is entirely too broad.  So, I filed a pro se answer to the divorce outlining just three issues.  The first is that the signature loan that we just got earlier this year needs to be ordered by the court to be in my name only.  The loan is too new to be refinanced per the credit union but I can get a court order to put it in my name only.  That consolidation loan paid my separate obligations so that is how it should be.  We also have a $1100 tax obligation for 2011 that we need to split 50/50.  Finally, I asked for a name change back to my maiden name.  If all goes according to plan, the divorce will be final mid-November.  We have had no communication but I do know he refinanced his car loan b/c I had to sign the power of attorney to transfer the title.  Everything is happening via snail mail.

The overall feeling of relief continues to take root.  I can’t believe it has been just 3 weeks because it feels more like 3 months.  To have the distance from the unhealthy relationship has given me so much clarity.  I have my joy back and I am so thankful it was only 3 years of my life and not 20+ years like it is for so many.

Weekend Money Saving


Wow!  It is Sunday night and I spent all of $5 from my spending money for the entire weekend.  I bought one cucumber martini while out celebrating a friend’s birthday and otherwise it was a spend free weekend!  Then late tonight I went to the grocery store and bought everything needed for 5 meals and 5 lunches (for 3) for $60.   That is about $2.00 per person, per meal for those of you calculating.  And it is all real food.

My kids are with their dad this coming week.   This will be my first week alone but the kids’ schedules always result in my seeing them each day.  Their dad and I shuttle them from place to place and then on his weeks, they spend the night with him.  This weekend was another reminder of why I am so thankful that I have a great friendship with their dad.  So much tension is gone now and we are able to do what we do so well–parent our kids.  I did not realize how difficult that had become as I was draining myself trying to keep things afloat here.

Although it was his weekend, we enjoyed DD’s volleyball game together and then I took the kids to see the counselor Steve and I had been seeing for quite some time.  She visited with each child about 45 minutes and then went over things with me individually.  The great news is the kids are “stable” in their dad and I.  Even with all of this chaos, their dad and I have been a constant and the counselor really emphasized just how well we are doing at being divorced.  The kids told her separately that they are thankful we are friends and get along.  They have friends that do not have that situation.  I firmly believe we do this as well as we do because we got out of the marriage before any bitterness took root.  I also know that we are better parents because we are divorced.  I do things that I would not have done (good things) had we stayed married and vice versa.  My son often tells stories he hears from friends about fighting married parents and he’s very aware of the unique divorce situation he comes from.  I am a firm believer that you cannot stay together “for the kids” because no matter how well you think you are doing that, the kids know.  Likewise, we all owe it to our kids to be divorced well and while it is never easy (trust me, I am thankful for text messages and emails b/c my ex-husband and I often get many of our issues resolved via those means!) I consider it my duty.  The counselor will work with each kiddo for a few sessions to work on specific issues resulting from my marriage to Steve.  With my son it is about missing his step brother and struggling with guilt about experiencing relief.  There may have been no good way to handle that separation but I”m pretty sure the way it was done was one of the worst options.   For my daughter, she will get help with some expressed conflict over the situation.  She is acutely aware that the situation was not good but still naturally misses her stepdad and stepbrother.  That’s a HUGE life lesson for her and one we could all benefit from.  I am slowly, slowly seeing the silver lining.

My posts will continue to be less than in the past for the foreseeable future.  A big reason for that is much of my life right now is about getting through the logistics of the separation and divorce.  I find myself wanting to share so much about what is going on but I will not.   My reasons for that are twofold:  A) it isn’t a divorce blog and B) I won’t spend another ounce of energy on that situation.

Thank you again for so many great posts.  I do read them all and wish I could respond but I don’t have it in the tank right now.  Just know that many times I am in desperate need of a little push to get me through and your comments come in just when I need them.  For those of you who have expressed concern about the cost of a contentious divorce, rest assured there is nothing to fight over.  The marriage was brief and there was always a measure of holding back that kept our finances pretty distinct and separate.