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by Tricia

No enthusiastic post for today. That means that I wasn’t able to remain smoke-free today.

I woke up around 8 am with my husband and son and took a potty break. Instead of reaching for my coat and heading outside (which is a habit whenever I get up and go to the bathroom), I promptly headed back upstairs and went back to bed. That was a positive thing.

Then I got up around noon and went downstairs for something to eat. I was feeling on edge and my hands were shaking. I could feel that the craving for nicotine was taking over my body now that I was fully awake. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and watched some TV. A little bit later, I cleaned up in the kitchen and then made myself a bowl of cereal.

I sat down and placed my gum on the side of my bowl while I ate my cereal. My son couldn’t figure out what the pink blob was on the side of my bowl and asked me what it was. I snapped at him. I don’t know why…he asked an innocent question for a kid. My ugly craving-for-nicotine self came out and I hate it when that happens. I finished my bowl of cereal and that was it. A little after 1 pm I went outside and had 1/2 a cigarette.

As I smoked that cigarette, I could feel the effect on my body. I felt my heart start to race and I could feel my vision going fuzzy. I was getting the buzz that was so common when I started smoking. Dang it. That was it. I didn’t make it.

When I came back into the house, my husband looked me right in the eyes and told me, “Look at how long you made it without a cigarette.” He’s always been pretty supportive of me trying to quit even though I have put him through H-E-double hockey sticks while trying to do it. He’s never smoked in his life, but he knows how much they have a hold on me. He’s been with me when I’ve tried the patch, the gum, as well as Zyban. He knew I was disappointed in myself for not making it through the day.

As of this moment, I’ve had six cigarettes today. I probably will end up having one more before bed so that will make it seven for today (but I’m still going to try to go to bed without having a cigarette first). My usual amount is 20/day and on real stressful days that can be more. I wasn’t able to go smoke-free today, but at least I had a minor victory with reducing how many I smoked. There’s still tomorrow as well…and the next day…and the next day. Even when I do have a smoke-free day, I am going to be battling this for the rest of my life.

And since I am a little bummed about not making it without a cigarette today, I needed a little confidence booster so I paid more towards our credit card debt and put more into our savings. Updated totals are to the right and I am pleased that our savings is now over $2,000.

Thank you everyone for your words of support. I didn’t make it today, but there is tomorrow.

by Tricia

I’ve been a little quiet lately. That usually means one of three things…

1.) I’ve been busy with work.
2.) I’m not feeling well.
3.) Something besides personal finance is on my mind.

This time, it’s all of the above.

I’ve been working later than normal hours at my regular job. It’s one of those periods where a whole bunch of work is put on my desk and once I get it done things will return to normal and I will even get to take a few hours here and there off. It’s almost like a little “crunch” time that happens every now and then.

I am also not feeling well. Our recent weather change from nice fall weather to snow (yes, there is snow on the ground now!) has made my sinuses flare up. That often leads to other problems and while it’s something that normally happens this time of year…it’s still not fun.

Lastly, there is something besides personal finance on my mind. This weekend, I am going to lock myself in my bedroom and only come out for bathroom trips. This little bit of self-imprisonment is for a reason. It’s the only way I think I can successfully quit the smoking habit.

I told my husband last night of my plans, and he’s already preparing himself. I’ve tried quitting before. I am a cigarette junkie and the nice person that I am is overtaken by someone that I don’t know. I am scared and I plan to sleep through as much of the weekend as I can to get through the initial physical withdrawals.

I’m not sure if this is going to work or not, but after being sick lately…I have to give it a shot. I’m tired of getting sicker than a non-smoker would and I want to be able to breathe normally. I’ve been a smoker for more than half of my life. Enough is enough.

I don’t know if I’ll be blogging much this weekend. I’m not sure exactly how I am going to feel and how much of anything I will want to do. I know I won’t be able to sleep through the entire weekend, so I may end up writing to keep my mind busy. I just don’t know. The longest I have been without a cigarette was for a day and that was because I was in the hospital and had no choice. I was searching for a place to smoke the minute they said I could walk around.

If I can make it through two days, that will be a huge accomplishment for me and it might be what I need to show myself that I can do this. I may be full of confidence when it comes to paying off debt, but when it comes to beating my addiction to cigarettes, my confidence shrivels down to a speck of dust. I don’t know if I can do it.

But I have to try.