No enthusiastic post for today. That means that I wasn’t able to remain smoke-free today.
I woke up around 8 am with my husband and son and took a potty break. Instead of reaching for my coat and heading outside (which is a habit whenever I get up and go to the bathroom), I promptly headed back upstairs and went back to bed. That was a positive thing.
Then I got up around noon and went downstairs for something to eat. I was feeling on edge and my hands were shaking. I could feel that the craving for nicotine was taking over my body now that I was fully awake. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and watched some TV. A little bit later, I cleaned up in the kitchen and then made myself a bowl of cereal.
I sat down and placed my gum on the side of my bowl while I ate my cereal. My son couldn’t figure out what the pink blob was on the side of my bowl and asked me what it was. I snapped at him. I don’t know why…he asked an innocent question for a kid. My ugly craving-for-nicotine self came out and I hate it when that happens. I finished my bowl of cereal and that was it. A little after 1 pm I went outside and had 1/2 a cigarette.
As I smoked that cigarette, I could feel the effect on my body. I felt my heart start to race and I could feel my vision going fuzzy. I was getting the buzz that was so common when I started smoking. Dang it. That was it. I didn’t make it.
When I came back into the house, my husband looked me right in the eyes and told me, “Look at how long you made it without a cigarette.” He’s always been pretty supportive of me trying to quit even though I have put him through H-E-double hockey sticks while trying to do it. He’s never smoked in his life, but he knows how much they have a hold on me. He’s been with me when I’ve tried the patch, the gum, as well as Zyban. He knew I was disappointed in myself for not making it through the day.
As of this moment, I’ve had six cigarettes today. I probably will end up having one more before bed so that will make it seven for today (but I’m still going to try to go to bed without having a cigarette first). My usual amount is 20/day and on real stressful days that can be more. I wasn’t able to go smoke-free today, but at least I had a minor victory with reducing how many I smoked. There’s still tomorrow as well…and the next day…and the next day. Even when I do have a smoke-free day, I am going to be battling this for the rest of my life.
And since I am a little bummed about not making it without a cigarette today, I needed a little confidence booster so I paid more towards our credit card debt and put more into our savings. Updated totals are to the right and I am pleased that our savings is now over $2,000.
Thank you everyone for your words of support. I didn’t make it today, but there is tomorrow.