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by Claire

Steve unexpectedly informed me on Friday afternoon that he had signed a lease for an apartment and was moving out this weekend.  Yes, this would be the same Steve who posted that August 24, 2012 comment as “Claire’s Husband.”  If you’ve read that comment and are now reading that he abruptly moved out of the house, I don’t think I really need to say anything else about what it was like to try to communicate and live with my husband.  It sort of gives a whole new meaning to “he loves me, he loves me not.”  Five days after that nauseating testament of how awesome I am, he signed a lease behind my back using a check from our joint account with no notice.  That check for $440 cleared the account on Friday night just hours after he shared his news.  The reason I was given was basically admitting defeat that we just can’t get along.   I found out later he shared the news with others before telling me anything.  Add to this that he did this exact bit almost exactly one year ago (August 19, 2011)  not quite as abruptly and not entirely behind my back, but he left.  That saga cost us a LOT of money and some of the debt you’ve seen here was from that time. He wanted to come back in a matter of days but I didn’t agree until mid-October, 2011. 

It really seemed that it was the rock bottom he needed to hit in order to get the help he needs.   We did marital counseling but it takes two and if one or both of the individuals don’t address their personal stuff, joint counseling has little value.  I knowingly entered into the two car notes jointly with him.  I married him in the Catholic Church on February 29, 2012. I chalk that up as my biggest regret as that actually meant something to me and it clearly did not to Steve.  In the last 2 months it had again deteriorated and the swings were very dramatic.  I told him on Friday that this is his choice and that I do not agree that this is the way to handle, but I will not ask him to stay.  If he isn’t in it, he isn’t in it.   I will not be the one to do the (free) handling of the divorce he wants as I started to do last go ’round though.  I have way too much on my plate.  I will sign a waiver but he needs to handle everything else.

I will not make this blog a forum for my divorce proceedings.  I am profoundly sad.  I cannot comprehend an adult doing this to children now twice.  I’ve already gotten my two in to talk to their counselor.  I sob at the thought of ushering them through this but I also know if anyone can do it, it is me.   I have an incredible support system in my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc and I am so thankful!  I do not go an hour without getting a text message checking on me and those efforts by loved ones are what will get us through this nightmare.   There’s a long road ahead but in just these 5 days, each moment I can feel relief replacing grief.  I will not stay in this marriage.  I still love the Steve I met and fell in love with 4 years ago but I will not be subjected to nor subject my children to this.

There are two sides to every story and I do not want to hear from anyone in a Steve bashing way.  I am not saying you would automatically take my side and do that, but I want to be clear that I have no desire for that to occur.  While I am not certain, I would think he would have dropped off the feed and won’t even be reading this.  But I always, always take the high road even if it almost kills me to do it and this situation will be no different. 

For those of you who like to make sure I include debt reduction in my posts, there is good news/bad news on that front.  I signed the lease on the house for another year the day after Steve signed his apartment lease behind my back.  The lease here was in just my name b/c of last year’s fiasco and I simply got lazy (weird for me) and did not have him added back to the lease.  Maybe though I had a feeling that this might happen, I don’t know.  I do think I could get out of this lease given the circumstances but I have to face my limitations. I do not have a move in me right now and do not have it in me to help my kids through that.  While the house is entirely too big for just the three of us (especially given the amount of time my two spend with their Dad), the payment is not insane.  I also already bought a different vehicle so my overall debt will be going down by around $26,000.  Those of you with a wish to get me to trade in the new van got your wish!  😉  That’s the good news.  The bad news is obviously my income has decreased but by my initial calculations, I have near $2,000 extra to put toward debt each month which is not counting the minimum payments.  I will update the numbers sometime this week.   My grocery budget is going to go way, way down and I will have savings on utilities as well since I work in an office and my kids are not here the entire month.  It is funny to me that I am back to that number that has haunted me for the last 10 years—$60,000!  BUT the good news is I now have skills in saving money and WILL get that debt paid off!  I also have some opportunities brewing to make some extra income–maybe $500 per month or so. 

Things are going to be just fine.  I don’t want to leave the impression that I am doing great with this whole thing b/c I am not but when someone handles something this big, this poorly…it does make it slightly easier to cope.