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They Are Always Watching…

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I’ve been struggling with the idea of moving. The physical. The emotional. It’s overwhelming. I’ve lived more than 40 years in southern California and I’m leaving everything.

I quit my job last week. I didn’t expect it would be easy but I wasn’t ready for how hard it was. Two of my staff members cried the entire meeting. One of them asked if they could go with me. To TEXAS. When I said that wasn’t possible, they said they are considering leaving the agency since I’m not there.

That was unexpected. And just freaking sweet.

Upper management was notified today during a meeting I missed. One of the director’s called me crying. “Please tell me it isn’t true” he said when he reached me on my cell phone. We’ve worked together 4 years. I’ve never seen him cry. “I’m a hard a**. I know it. But this is personal. I’m devastated. Please tell me you are going to change your mind. Please.”

My phone hasn’t stopped ringing. My e-mail is full. My heart is devastated. My boss has e-mailed me three times. More money. A promotion. Remote as long as I want. If there was a kitchen sink, they would have thrown it in.

None of these fix that California isn’t what I want anymore. Remote is appealing but so many of the reasons I’m awesome at what I do is because I’m great at people. People in person. I want remote but I’m better at people. My success is because of that.

I ran 20 miles this weekend. I sobbed for 17. BTW, SUPER hard to cry and still keep a good mile time. Crying produces horrible mile times. But this is growth. I’m not taking the easy way out. It sucks.

Last night Chris was working which meant I worked all day then made dinner. I’m an emotional train wreck at this point and crying is a daily part of my life. I turned on the kids Spotify playlist on the speakers and blasted it (gotta keep it PG with the kiddos) while making lettuce wraps and started dancing in the kitchen. I threw my arms up in the most obnoxious dance to try to keep me from falling apart. All four kids threw their hands up and started dancing with me. I so often forget that they look at me to see what is normal. How they should react when life throws them challenges. I watched as eight arms flailed in the air and thought, ‘You’ve got to be an example’. We laughed and danced to Marshmello.

This is going to be a hard year. Yes, I need to be real but I also need to keep four kids afloat. Kids are watching.

Throw your arms up and dance.

The ABCs of ADHD & Money

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Having ADHD is like a view askew – you don’t quite see things the way other people do. When it’s good, it’s like watching fireworks from a convertible with the seats way back. You’re with your favorite person, and it’s a warm summer night. When it’s bad, it’s a spiral of chaos, shame, and self-recrimination. It’s hard to find a way of being with all that going on.

What is ADHD?

World-renowned brain expert Dr. John Ratey compares living with untreated ADHD to “driving in the rain with really bad windshield wipers.” Sometimes things come into clear focus, but it’s a blur of colors and shapes most of the time. Neurologically, ADHD is a result of the dysregulation of the reward system, primarily dopamine. Consequently, many of us struggle with impulse control, distraction, and poor time conceptualization which translates into real struggles with relationships and activities of daily living – including money.

My Life on ADHD

For me, I collect passions like some people collect baseball cards or banana stickers. One day, I decided that I wanted to check out dragon-boating. I lived and breathed that sport until I discovered a roller derby league in my home city. Then I thought skiing would be fun. The professionals call this hyperfocus – a process of intense fixation or interest in an activity for an extended duration. When it’s like this, every fiber of my being is intensely focused on this one thing, which is intoxicating.

Hyperfocus is a way of self-medicating; endorphins flood my brain, and I am rewarded.  Unfortunately, it’s expensive to focus that hard. Sometimes, I’m too distracted to pay bills on time, I’m spending too much on costly hobbies, or I’m neglecting my career because I feel bored and unfulfilled. Combine this with my ability to use charm, humor, and occasional brilliance to sidestep most of the usual consequences for being flaky, and it’s a problem. When I figured out how ADHD impacted my life, I was able to start fixing it.

My Money on ADHD

For example, my ADHD leads to particular problem areas with money. I’m disorganized and easily overwhelmed by financial processes that require multiple steps. So, something like signing up for e-filing with Revenue Canada requires me to sign up online, locate several documents to verify my identity, and then wait for a code to be mailed out to input that and complete setting up my account. God, just typing that almost puts me in a coma.

One of the first things I did was collect all the random stacks of stuff I threw onto side tables and put them in an accordion file. I hated this with the fierce intensity of a thousand suns because each abandoned tax form, unopened envelope, and leftover bill represented more problems. Nonetheless, it went into the folder so I can organize it a couple of days later. I wanted to gather first and arrange later, so it wasn’t overwhelming. It works better this way.

Another challenge of mine is the amount of impulsive spending I do – especially when I am stressed. I know we all do this to an extent, but it’s easy to cross a line, and I do it too freely. In this case, I tapped into my love for all things bright and shiny and turned to the budgeting app YNAB to help me tame my wild money. If you know anything about this YNAB, you know there is a bit of a learning curve that goes into using it. I love technology, and this gave me the inspiration I needed to get myself unstuck.

Setting Goals on ADHD

Something I’m constantly working on is goal-sticking. I can do goal-setting until Christmas comes in July, but following it through is a whole other story. My constant need to engage in the new and exciting is a barrier to success with the old and boring. This is a hard one for me because I don’t know what I want. Do I want to buy another house? Do I want to have another career or to go back to school?  It’s hard to plan when there’s no goal guiding the process. I’ll figure it out, but I’m just not there yet.

In Conclusion

Probably the most important thing about managing money with ADHD is to treat the condition properly. That might include a doctor-supervised medication regimen, talk therapy, and behavioral strategies, but unique to each person. Interestingly, Clinical psychologist Russell Barkley posited that 80 percent of people diagnosed with ADHD are also diagnosed with a coexisting disorder (learning, psychiatric, or developmental). So, getting a complete mental health assessment and treatment is key to your success.

*Yes, the reference to Kevin Smith’s production company is entirely intentional.

Photo by Clay LeConey on Unsplash