by Hope
Someone asked if I was still working with a therapist on a recent post, and the answer is yes. This is a post that stems from some of that mental work I’ve been doing and what I’m learning. (Still in process of learning.) I wish I could say I learned this lesson early, but the truth is, I had to learn it the hard way. The same way I do a lot of things, I know.
For me, “yes” was always easier than “no” when it came to my kids. Maybe it was because I raised a house full of them through foster care and adoption, in a life already full of “no’s” they didn’t ask for. Maybe it was because deep down, I wanted to make up for the years when they didn’t have enough. Or maybe, if I’m being brutally honest, it was because in the moment, saying “yes” felt like love. Or maybe it was the result of growing up feeling like I came from the wrong side of the tracks in a very affluent city.
But love bought on a credit card came with interest – financial and emotional.
The Slippery Slope
It started with small things:
Picking up dinner because I was tired or never felt confident in my cooking abilities.
Handing over gas money, upgrading a phone, or just because treats.
Each thing, by itself, seemed harmless. I told myself, It’s just $40. It’s just $100. But with multiple kids, those “justs” happened several times a month or week, and my money just disappeared and I would wonder why I was so stressed.
The Big Hits
The little yeses were bad enough. The big yeses were the ones that knocked me off track.
I’ve been known to blow out my budget entirely because I didn’t want my kids to feel “less than” – even if it meant swiping my credit card and telling myself I’d “figure it out later.”
It wasn’t about spoiling them; it was about making sure they never felt left out. But all those yeses added up fast. My credit card balance grew, and the goals I’d been talking about or thinking about again slid to the back burner. I told myself I was giving them memories, but I was also giving myself more months of financial catch-up.
Then there was the travel. Anyone who’s been reading here at BAD knows my affection for travel. Yes to extra spending money so they wouldn’t feel left out when friends went out. Yes to things I could barely afford because I wanted them to feel supported.
Why Saying Yes Felt So Good (and So Dangerous)
There was a little rush every time I helped one of my kids. I got to be the hero, the safety net, the person who made life easier. But that rush faded quickly. What was left? A lighter bank account and a long list of financial goals that stayed stalled.
Sometimes, my “yes” came from guilt. My kids didn’t get the traditional childhood I wish they had – no father in the picture, a history of abuse, they joined our family later, after already experiencing loss. I overcompensated with generosity. But generosity without boundaries wasn’t generosity at all – it was avoidance dressed up as kindness.
What I Wish I Had Recognized
My budget needed to account for my yeses. Giving should be planned, not impulsive.
A yes to them was often a no to me. Every dollar I handed over was one less toward my retirement, my emergency fund, or my own stability. For me, I did recognize this. But I also had absolutely no issue with this. And this is a big one for me. This is probably the biggest hurdle I face in my money mindset. One I have a long way to go.
I could say no without being a bad mom. In fact, sometimes “no” would have been the better lesson. Yes…but…thankfully, this is one even my kids recognize now which has made it easier for me to face.
The Reality Check
Now my youngest has turned 20 and the oldest two are well into their mid-20s, they are all financially independent. So I have done some things right.
But I’ve come to realize that my constant yeses hadn’t just cost me money, they had cost me progress. They have delayed my ability to get ahead, rebuild savings, and find peace of mind.
Looking back, I can see that love isn’t measured in dollars. It’s measured in boundaries, too. And your kids are still going to love you if you can’t or even won’t provide certain things. In fact, they probably won’t miss it. And the most loving thing I could have done sooner was to protect my own financial stability.
I need to add another side note here. I hope you will read this far. But the “yeses” I reference throughout this, aren’t Yes to my children asks. I mean some are. But most of them are Yeses to my own desires for my kids. I made the choices. I pushed the things. This post is not meant to make it seem like my kids asked and I just said yes. Most all of my financial failures were me making decisions unilaterally, not in response to a request. I chose all the meals out instead of groceries. I chose all the trips. I chose to pay for XYZ for the kids. I didn’t need to learn to say No to my kids. I needed to learn to say No to myself. To stop feeling inadequate if I couldn’t or didn’t do this, that or the other for my kids.
Hope is a resourceful and solutions-driven business manager who has spent nearly two decades helping clients streamline their operations and grow their businesses through project management, digital marketing, and tech expertise. Recently transitioning from her role as a single mom of five foster/adoptive children to an empty nester, Hope is navigating the emotional and practical challenges of redefining her life while maintaining her determination to regain financial control and eliminate debt.
Living in a cozy small town in northeast Georgia with her three dogs, Hope cherishes the serenity of the mountains over the bustle of the beach. Though her kids are now finding their footing in the world—pursuing education, careers, and independence—she remains deeply committed to supporting them in this next chapter, even as she faces the bittersweet tug of letting go.
Since joining the Blogging Away Debt community in 2015, Hope has candidly shared her journey of financial ups and downs. Now, with a renewed focus and a clear path ahead, she’s ready to tackle her finances with the same passion and perseverance that she’s brought to her life and career. Through her writing, she continues to inspire others to confront their own financial challenges and strive for a brighter future.
At least remove the em-dashes before you try to pass off AI written posts as your own, lol
Notably missing from this post is what actions will you take to change this behavior going forward, since you apparently just engaged in it pretty badly with the house proceeds.
From this post it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking but your actions as recent as probably yesterday do not reflect this mental break through.
Ten years I have been waiting for you to post something like this. I have watched you buy amusement park season passes, paid for elite training, sent a child to a private school, bought or helped kids who bought cars in the past. Now you profess your kids are financially independent which is great but look at what you are doing! How do you justify the whittling away of the house proceeds on them when if what you wrote today was true progress. I have six kids ages 25 to 35. I can tell you there is always something we could help them with and they too do not ask. We are in a position to give them the moon and never would we.There is a pride they feel that is priceless when they accomplish a goal on their own.
Put today’s words into action
I was the one who mentioned therapy recently, so I appreciated this insightful post. You clearly care about your kids, so I think a good way to think about these boundaries is that it’s a huge act of love towards THEM for you to invest in your retirement accounts, pay off your student loans, and curb your spending. By you becoming financially independent, it will be a load off their backs as you age, and that’s better than anything you can buy them, any trip or experience at this point, while they are independent as you say. A mindset shift here could really help you!
Have you learned your lesson? Seems like you still say “yes” to a lot of “treats” for your financially independent children.
It’s good to see your side note and acknowledgement that a lot of this was you projecting your wants rather than their wants. It struck me that the wedding shower for Beauty might be because you felt you missed out on one. However, I do want you to think because this could become a slippery slope. Your kids are going to have milestones. What happens when it’s another kids turn to fall in love and choose a partner? Are they each going to get $1500 for a wedding shower? Will you be able to afford that?
This exactly. There will always be another engagement, bridal shower, baby shower, wedding, 1st birthday, baptism, on and on. We can forever justify another celebration but there has to be a limit.
Hope, I don’t wish this to come across harsh because I know exactly how difficult and long the journey of therapy can be but do you not see the irony of this post mere weeks after posting that you have spent *thousands* of pounds on your kids, including a small amount that you handwaved away and won’t tell BAD what it was spent on. You’ve completely blown through your house money on celebrations and graduations and trips that could have been done at a fraction of the price. And you acknowledged in one of your posts that you did it ‘for the memories’.
I’ve been reading since the beginning of your journey here and I think your honest assessment of ‘buying love’ is absolutely on point. You seem to believe that your kids will know you love them through big gestures and parties and dinners out and so on.
I grew up with pretty broke parents. For the first few years of my sister and I being around, there was often the choice between us eating or my parents. Birthday parties were out of the question and family dinners were special occasions only. But I never felt deprived or unloved because they still spent time with me, talked to me, played games together, had film nights at home when we couldn’t afford the cinema. More money doesn’t equal more love and I can promise you that your kids care more that you’re there at all.
Plus, it’s given me a good mindset for how I handle my money. I’m a bit more frugal, a bit more easily pleased and while I do go out if I can afford it, I’m quite happy having a date night at home playing cards or something. I don’t feel like I need the luxuries to be happy because my parents made sure to be creative with what we did have.
I’m not sure exactly where I’m going here but I think you still very much see money = love to the point that you have spent most of your money only a few months after having a windfall, and getting defensive when your choices are questioned. You will never be out of debt with this mindset, as BAD has been saying for years. I really hope it all works out but I’m not hopeful since you don’t seem to see the hypocrisy (?) of posting this.
This is stuff to be worked out with a professional – saying yes to things to just really keep up with the Joneses – we all suffer from it. But it’s time to take action and really follow through on NOT doing that. Good luck!
Why are you and ChatGPT writing as if you’ve learned from your mistakes? You’re in the middle of making these mistakes.