by Ashley
Want to talk about a surprise budget-buster (the last one I discussed….cheese! mmmmmm, cheese, mmmmm!)
Try this one on for size…. One of my good friends just got engaged.
Uh oh!
I didn’t even see this coming. Almost all of my friends did the wedding thing a few years ago, and now we’re all onto the “baby” stage of life. But when we were all getting married, she was going through a tough break-up from her long-term boyfriend. Then when we started having kids she started dating this new guy. They’ve been together for almost 2 years now so it shouldn’t be a surprise, but when she told me the good news my first reaction was….fear. Isn’t that terrible!? I should be happy for her! Instead I’m secretly worrying: oh no, is she going to ask me to be a bridesmaid???
I have been in my share of weddings. And I have been happy to do it – I love my friends and am honored to share in part of their special day!
But this was all pre-debt payoff journey.
And now my friend is texting me pictures of gowns and telling me of plans for bachelorette trips and this and that and it leaves my head spinning.
So now I’m left with this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. She hasn’t asked me to be a bridesmaid so maybe my fears are totally unfounded. But it could be just a matter of time. And anyone who has been in a wedding knows the costs involved with being a bridesmaid: the dress, the shoes, the trips, the gifts, throwing showers, bachelorette parties, etc. etc. etc. I can make room in my budget to attend a wedding and shower and have gifts for both. But I don’t have the funds to actually participate as a bridal-party member.
So I hope this doesn’t sound presumptuous, but should she ask me to be a bridesmaid….what do I say? Just to give some background on our relationship, we met 5 years ago, really didn’t start being “friends” until about 3 years ago (after I was already married so she wasn’t part of my wedding, etc.), but we’ve been close since then. When I had the twins I do not know what I would have done without her support and friendship. We do not have family and very few friends in the state so I rarely left the house for the first 6-9 months because it was too difficult. She would go out of her way to come over, hang out, often bringing food, so I could have some adult interaction. She threw me a baby shower, showered me with gifts while pregnant and again after the girls’ birth. Her whole family (who are all Tucson residents) has outpoured their love and hospitality on our family – inviting us over for dinners, swimming (her parents have a pool), and the occasional unexpected baby gift (e.g., cute little outfit). In some way, I feel like after all she has done for me that the least I could do is help her feel special for her upcoming nuptials. I feel like I owe it to her.
But why then, does it leave me feeling sick to my stomach to think about the potential costs involved?
Ugh! Help me!
Hi, I’m Ashley! Arizonan on paper, Texan at heart. Lover of running, blogging, and all things cheeeeese. Freshly 40, married mother of two, working in academia. Trying to finally (finally!) pay off that ridiculous 6-digit student loan debt!
I agree with you that, this is a tough one. Let’s hope she will not ask you to be a bridesmaid. If she does, can you gracefully bow out using the kids as an excuse? You may help her out with your time. You can do a lot of online searching for her, share your ideas and make her feel like you are there for her and show your support in any non-financial way you can. Besides, if she is a real close friend and if she knows about your financial situation, you may opt to be totally honest with her. I am sure she will understand.
On this note, maybe you can help her by donating your time to any DIY wedding projects she’s doing too. If she’s doing her own center pieces or flowers or invitations maybe you can help her with putting that stuff together. Try to find non-financial ways to help her out!
I am going to throw another one at ya…..Depending on when she gets married (for argument’s sake…lets say 1 year), would she ask your girls to be flower girls? C’mon….2 little girls in matching dresses….so cute, right?
I only say this, because IF she does ask you….she may also ask about the girls.
If your initial reaction was fear, I would decline politely, but let her know you still want to be involved (if you do). Remember, guilt isn’t a good enough reason to do something. Only say yes if you truly want to say yes. As you said….being part of a bridal party is a huge financial commitment.
If you do say no….maybe you could offer to do a reading?
If she does ask you or your girls I highly encourage an honest response along the lines of “I truly love you and am honored that you want me (us) to be part of your wedding day. Unfortunately we cannot afford the financial commitment of being involved in this way. What else can I do to make your day special and share my love for you?” You could be the person who handles the guest book, etc. There are many ways to share in her happiness and there is no rule that you have to say yes to things you can’t afford no matter how kind and giving the other person has been. If she is a true friend she will not be offended.
Excellent thoughts, Juhli. Sometimes, another person’s plans and agendas simply do not coincide with ours. When our niece was married, she had a destination wedding in Hawaii. There simply was no way that we could afford this trip from the Midwest. Add to that, the fact that her parents are multimillionaires ( I kid you not!), so when they make plans, they just cannot relate to the average Joe and the average Joe’s budget. I don’t think that events like these should place financial burdens on us. We are always straightforward with our regrets about attending but send a gift and our best wishes.
I have politely declined a bridesmaid gig once because I just did not have the money for it. Prior to that, I was a bridesmaid at a time when I really couldn’t afford it. It was my best friend’s wedding and I felt like I couldn’t say no. In hindsight I would have explained my situation to her and it would have been a much better decision. And she is my bff she would have been disappointed but she would have understood.
I would definitely be a bridesmaids if she wants you to. Life is too short and good friends too valuable!
Is new honesty about the $$ thing . She probably already knows what you are doing and won’t be surprised to hear you can’t be extravagant. But you can do things. . If others provide the food for the shower you can make decorations, etc.
It sounds like she is a very special person (not many people without kids would have been able to be that helpful when you had the twins).
Yes, I’m on board along these lines. Please let debt influence but not make your decisions for you. Your gut is the only one to trust here, in terms of how close a friend she is and how your relationship could be affected. Some people are more sensitive than others.
My suggestion would be to carve out a reasonable budget for wedding-related activities and plan accordingly just like any budgeting exercise. If the planned activities really do far exceed said budget, then you may have to bow out as gracefully as possible.
My own personal bias is that these types of events are the ones we live life for. You can’t compare it directly in my opinion to any other spending. I dug deep as a grad student and attended many of my friends weddings and have no regrets. A few years later I missed a couple, partially because of financial goals, and continue to regret it. I’m not arguing its a license to go crazy irresponsible, just that I am willing to make sacrifices for these experiences.
To add to this, i think the good thing is she wasn’t a bridesmaid for you. Because as someone who did not fall into the 1st wave of friends marrying, I know how much it can suck to feel like, now that it’s your turn, all your friends have all these excuses albeit reasonable (kids, money etc). You can’t help feeling like you did xy and z for those friends and now you don’t get that because you were “late” to the marriage game. She wasn’t your bridesmaid so you don’t have that as much.
IF she asks you, i think you can budget for a dress and a bunch of other things but like someone else said, let her know your finances are not in the extravagant mode so when you bow out of say a bachelorette or stuff like that she’ll understand.
If she’s a good friend, you can make sacrifices and find a way to make it work in your budget. Personally, i don’t believe you have to crazy with gifts, but helping her source things, going to vendors and all the things that involve TIME and go along with being a bridesmaid will be noticed more.
Attending a wedding and being in the bridal party are two different things. For a woman, you could be looking at $500 or more just for attire, plus hair, make up, showers. It can easily be $1500 by the time you are done.
I certainly think supporting your friends on their big day makes sense. But once you stressing about how to afford it …it ruins it. Why can’t you still love and support your friend without spending a small fortune?
She’s obviously a good friend who has done a lot for you. Based on that, I would definitely do it. It would be different if she hadn’t extended herself as much as she did and wasn’t such a good friend. That being said, you do the best to live within your budget. For the shower gifts, you give what you can afford and don’t go overboard.
What about being honest with her and if she asks you to be a bridesmaid tell her that you would love to but your budget is really tight and you are concerned about that affecting her. I guess I was weird but when I asked my gals to be bridesmaids I only asked them to buy their shoes and I bought everything else. I felt if I was asking them then I should pay their expenses. We also didn’t go over the top with showers, wedding gifts, etc.
If she is a good friend like others have said, she will totally understand your priorities and might not be expecting all the extras either. It may be the norm but it’s not a requirement.
Good luck and enjoy the friendship either way.
I don’t think you are weird. That’s what I plan on doing. If i’m going to insist everyone looks alike then I think I should plan for the cost.
My friend who was more easy going just sent us a swatch of color and we were free to buy whatever we wanted (or use what we had) in that shade.
In this world, truly good friends are hard to come by. Finding a little extra cash is relatively easy. If this is a truly good friend then do her the honor. Just resolve to yourself to find a side hustle or a weekend gig to earn the cash to pay for it.
I just had to tell my sister I couldn’t be in her wedding – my only, BABY sister…but it’s expensive for women these days! We’re talking $200 dresses, hair, nails, shoes, bridal showers, on and on!! I have been trying to help her in any way possible with planning…but decided ultimately that I would have hidden resentments every time I was asked to shell out more money. I wanted to celebrate her special day with her without a big chip on my shoulder. It’s been hard not feeling guilty or judged by other people, but I had to do what I felt was best for my family. And spending $1000+ on one day just wasn’t important to me. PS) my hubby and I eloped, can you tell I think weddings are a big racket? Lol
Being debt free is a noble goal, one that the readers here are trying to achieve themselves. But let’s not forget that life happens while we’re becoming debt free. To me, money is to be used for life’s pleasures as well as basics. I attended a destination wedding for a friend while I was starting my debt payback. At the time, I felt some guilt/reserve/worry that I was doing the wrong thing, but not now. It’s been four years, I’m almost debt free, and her wedding is a trip that I remember fondly. I didn’t go crazy or all out, but I did enjoy myself. My two cents would be to graciously accept if asked, and try keep costs within reason.
I spent over $1,500 on the wedding I was in. Ooops, I mean charged over $1,500 to be in my friend’s wedding. If I would have just gone as a guest, I would have spent a fraction of that and still been able to celebrate my friend’s wedding without interest and without all of the money issue I had afterward that seemed to echo for months. I think if you are able to, you should go to the wedding, obviously, but if you cannot afford to be in the wedding it is not going to end your friendship or your ability to enjoy life.
If she truly is as good a friend as you suggest, she should understand if you explain to her your financial dilemma. Maybe that means you aren’t in the bridal party – or maybe it means that you are, but she understands you can’t participate in all the pre-wedding festivities (bachelorette party, etc) if they are spendy. Hopefully, she picks reasonable dresses – I actually just asked my bridesmaids to wear their favorite black cocktail dresses – perhaps you can suggest similar to her! Ditto goes for the girls, if she wants them to be in the wedding – she’ll need to understand that you can’t afford to pay for a super-expensive dress (x2!) that might be worn only once . . . Really, what I think you should do is set your budget for the wedding: how much are you willing to spend on gifts and how much on being in the bridal party. If it seems like her expectations will be within your limitations, go for it, otherwise you need to bow out.
P.S. I would have far rather had my bridesmaids participate in the wedding than buy me gifts – that was just my preference, might not be everyone’s, though. If you think your friend would feel the same, consider adding your gift budget to the bridal party budget . . .
I would find out what her wedding plans are before you make a decision (assuming she asks you). It might be that she wants a low-key wedding, which could mean very minimal financial outlay on your part. Thankfully the two friends who asked me to be bridesmaids had really reasonable expectations. One picked a reasonably priced dress and the other just said to wear something nice. Showers were held at people’s homes and “bachelorette parties” were just drinks and hanging out the night before. Like Homes, when I got married I asked my bridesmaids to wear a nice black dress.
Of course, not everyone is as frugal as we are, but it doesn’t hurt to find out before you start to panic!
I agree with trying to be in the wedding. Look at your budget realistically and figure out what you could spend. Talk to your friend realistically about that, and see if she can work with you (and honestly, I bet the other bridesmaids would be psyched to not spend a fortune as well). My bridesmaids wore $140 Ann Taylor dresses, their own shoes, and did their own hair/nails or had them done–I didn’t require it. And I gave them their jewelry as their gift.
I believe you should say yes, if asked. This friend was there for you in key times when you had your kids etc the last few years and went out of her way to help you, providing friendship and support. Your debt will be gone in a couple of years. If you are asked and accept, you will push that off what, a month? Two? Are you sure it is it worth it in the long run to say no?
Honestly I don’t understand why weddings have to be so costly. Department stores, like Kohls, Sears, JCP etc have lovely dresses in many colors for under $200.
Why can’t brides just pick a color shade and/or style and buy cheaper dresses like that? Shoes don’t have to be fancy, and hair can be done yourself.
If I had a wedding with bridesmaids ( mine was very simple and had no bridesmaids) I would not expect them to buy me presents as well, or throw parties!
Maybe our expectations of weddings are too flagrant these days?
I vote that if you are asked, explain that you would be honored and privileged to be in her party, but you can’t afford $500 dresses and elaborate parties. If she is wise, she will be happy to let you participate without great costs.
Ashley –
I agree with many of the others that you shouldn’t be afraid that you have to say no right off the bat! As she just got engaged you could take the time to feel out what kind of a wedding she is planning on having before you think you have to say no…… If she is this kind of friend to her other friends as she has been to you I am sure she has been a bridesmaid many times and is aware of the costs involved, hopefully she may look for ways to minimize the financial stress for all involved! (I had a friend who provided all the dresses as her bridesmaids gifts, I personally looked for bridesmaid dresses I knew the girls could use again – we went with black, strapless and cocktail length; I also got married in December so most of the girls wore the dresses again to New Year’s Eve parties!)
I also agree with considering ways that you can contribute non-monetarily; making decorations for the bridal shower, being the one to help address the million invitations, thank you notes, etc., being the one who helps assemble the million packets of birdseed or bubbles or flower petals to throw at the happy couple after the wedding, or the million party favors for the reception. (Not that there is actually a million but it can certainly seem that way!)
Also, do you know who the maid/matron of honor will be? Usually, they host the bridal shower/ bachelorette party so it would be just as important to know what they are planning and how much they would expect other bridesmaids to contribute.
Not trying to push you into doing the wedding, just offering observations to consider so you don’t automatically feel that you have to say no.
Finally, you having been kicking debts butt these past few months, assuming she isn’t getting married in three months this could be a long-term thing that you set aside a little bit each month.
Cheers!
Meghan
If you do decline, is it possible to offer to be the ‘on the ground’ assistance for one of her out-of-town bridal party members? Then you could to the grunt work and they can shell out the money for the honour of being up front.
Friends do things out of love, not for the spotlight to be shone on them, so you can still be an invaluable friend without having to be in the bridal party.