by Claire
Remember a few years ago, Toys R Us began offering “gift registry” for holidays and birthdays for kids? I remember seeing those commercials and being appalled and then it seemed that I didn’t hear much more about the concept. Well, I just googled it and they are still offering it. I just have to hope that it is not catching on to any great extent. The very concept is ridiculous to me! What does that teach our kids?!
I think registries started with weddings, didn’t they? I can see the rationale behind that I guess–if you think about out of town guests wanting to send gifts that they know the couple need and want, but even that has gone extreme. In the mid-nineties it was still about knowing what dishes and silverware-maybe towels– a couple chose but the last gift registry I printed up had things like outdoor patio furniture and cleaning supplies! It almost looked as though the couple had everything they really needed so they were adding stuff just to add stuff.
The baby registry probably started with good intentions too but is now off the charts. Everyone should just give the new parents diapers….period.
But the one that took the cake for me were the friend of friend who was expecting a baby at the time of her marriage. I’m not so out of it to find that unusual these days–it happens–but she actually registered with Target’s Club Wedd AND Lullaby Club at the same time! Oh…wait…there was another one that took the cake. The parish priest who arrived at a new parish and a “welcome” party was put together for him. Imagine my shock and awe when a note was included that Father So-in-So was registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond! Maybe put word out verbally about what he may need at his new residence but a registry?! Really?!
Born and raised in Texas. I’ve at least driven through every state in the US courtesy of a roadtrip loving Dad.
I’m single with two children and a good parenting relationship with their father.
I am a “life is just half full of funny” kinda gal. Humor is my saving grace and I am thankful for it every single day. I have a strong Catholic faith and am thankful for that foundation.
I read a lot for a living but still enjoy a good book. I love biographies but in recent years have found the need for fun fictional books–sadly, for a long time I just didn’t enjoy fiction!
I love live theatre of any kind–from local productions to Broadway.
I love to scrapbook and pride myself in my kids’ albums.
I love being a mom but also love my career. I’m blessed to have found a balance allowing me to be at everything my kids need and want me to be at–while also having a career.
Favorite Quotes: Well behaved women rarely make history.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -James Bryant Conant
Have you seen the honeymoon registries? Those are classy. Nothing like paying for the bride and grooms visa fees followed by their beach side massages. Awkward.
Walnut–I was out and about when I read your post on my phone via email. I think I must have then mentioned it to the next 5 people I came in contact with b/c I was totally astounded. Then I mentioned it to my husband and he HAD heard of this! Unreal!
Personally, I think registries are kind of rude. Sometimes I have a certain price-range in mind, but all those items have already been bought on the registry. Then I feel obliged to buy them something a little more expensive. Whatever happened to just picking out a cute outfit for the baby? I have three young children, I never registered for anything, and they still manage to have way too much stuff.
I guess I’m the only one who likes registries. The makers always seem to include things that are in all price ranges, so I can always afford something on it.
From personal experience, I would rather get something that I want and need vs. some inpersonal gift that someone just grabbed off the shelf (Nothing at all is just fine, a gift is never expected). I’ve had people shop off registry for me, and most things I’ve ended up having to return. With a newborn at home, that is not easy or convenient.
While diapers would be nice for some parents, we cloth diapered – so any boxes of disposables would be returned (if they could be) or donated to someone who would use them.
I guess it depends on the circumstance. When my brother’s kids were small the family appreciated him putting them on a toy store registry. But he lived very far away from all the relatives and we were confident knowing that the child we only saw twice a year was getting something wanted, appreciated, and parent-approved. On the other hand my other brother lived in the same city and everyone saw him and his children a minimum of once a week. No registry needed.
This makes total sense Mel. I can see this being helpful in large families for sure. It also avoids the awkward of your having to ask your brother and then your brother needing to answer. And it makes even more sense if the child is told that a registry is mainly being done for the reasons you talk about here.
I too, think gift registries are fine. They ensure that if someone has no idea what to buy for an occasion, they can find exactly what the receiver would like and/or need. As a gift receiver, I appreciate getting something I actually want. And as a gift giver I want to know that what I’m giving will be enjoyed. To be honest, I’d rather get no gift than a gift that I don’t really want or need because that’s just a waste of money. Of course, like the previous poster said, gifts are never required. 🙂
I think registries are fine in some instances, like weddings (not honeymoons!). But I guess I’m a little old-fashioned in the sense that I find it obnoxious when couples who have lived together for years prior to marriage, and have already acquired all of the home goods they need, register for high-end items. It’s like they chose to get married just to be catapulted into upper middle-class status. My husband and I lived together for four years before we got married, so no judgment about that. I just think wedding registries are supposed to be for young couples just starting out who need towels and dishes and stuff.
And registries for kids’ birthday parties? Sorry, no way I’m buying into that. Kids will have plenty of opportunities to turn into greedy consumers in their adult lives (honeymoon registries, anyone?) that they don’t need a head-start on that kind of nonsense.
Baby registries are ok, I suppose, but I don’t think there should be an absolute expectation on the expectant mother’s part that everyone needs to buy off the registry. Gifts are supposed to be from the heart, not targetbaby.com, or some such variation.
Oh, and has anyone heard about “diaper parties”? One of my co-workers’ husbands had a diaper party, which was basically a get-together with him and all of his guy friends, where they drank beer and all the guys brought diapers as gifts. It sounds kind of cute, but in reality I think it’s just another blatant money-grab.
I had NOT heard of this diaper party! This stuff just keeps getting worse! My youngest was just invited to a birthday party where the 8-year-old guest of honor ON HER OWN asked her Mom if the guests could be asked to bring things for dogs and cats in the animal shelter instead of gifts for her! Talk about a great idea! That has been the most fun we’ve had getting a “birthday gift.” I was totally impressed.
I agree with you.
America’s obsession with consumerism and STUFF has indeed spilled over into extortion-like gifting, tacky requests for money and gifts, and crazy registries. I hate it. I’d be embarrassed to be on the asking end.
People have forgotten that hosts should host, instead asking gifts to buy their own drinks or to buy gifts based on what the party cost to throw. It’s insane.
People have forgotten that celebrations (weddings, new babies, birthdays, etc) can be simple affairs focused on the joy of that day – it does not have to be focused on the host or the attendees spending vast sums of money on events and gifts.
And just about everyone who gets married these days already owns every worldly possession they truly need to be in a household. I’d be so embarrassed to walk through a store making a list of things that I then demanded my friends and family buy me. Sadly, many people have no shame. When I got married, the gift truly was people’s presence. And it cost many of them plenty just to be there.
We were pretty roundly (albeit obliquely) chastised for refraining from registering anywhere for our wedding.
My now husband & I felt that we’d both lived adult lives for awhile, I’d been married once before, we’d lived together for a few years and we made a good income. We didn’t need more stuff, as we had most everything we wanted that wasn’t stratospherically expensive. What we “needed” was our family and friends to be at our wedding.
Oh, the stress this caused our guests. Serious stress for a number of people. I regret not registering – it’s become a new expectation that smooths things out for people. People WANT to give gifts; it makes them feel connected to the couple (or the baby or the new home). This is a now socially-accepted way to facilitate that.
It makes me glad I’m unlikely to have another “registry” event in my lifetime, though!
I should add that, in the end, we mostly got across our point that “your presence is the best present”, but we still got a few gifts from people, because of that need to be connected to the couple.
Unfortunately, most of the gifts we were given were inappropriate to our lives. We felt terrible about this as well, as it means people spent their hard-earned money, and their “never see it again” time buying something that didn’t fit with us.
I would absolutely register in the future if I had a registry event. I wouldn’t include registry info in the invite, as I don’t want to make it seem like a gift is required, but I want people to be happy & comfortable when they come to my event. It’s my ultimate duty as a host.
But why must weddings have registries when somehow guests manage to buy gifts for all sorts of other events in life and it doesn’t cause a crisis for the giver or the recipient?? Thankfully, most people don’t have registries for Christmas or birthdays or anniversaries or gift-giving occasions at the office or many other things. Yet people manage to choose gifts they think the recipient will enjoy. And the recipient either uses the gift or doesn’t, and that’s fine. It’s not like weddings somehow require that the recipient love every gift and only receive exactly what they desire.
Tell that to my guests! 😀
I honestly wish I knew why so many people were so flustered by the lack of registry. I’m guessing it’s simply that weddings are very rare (theoretically once in a lifetime) events, while the other events you list are relatively commonplace. The same would be true for the birth of any one baby – that’s certainly a once in a lifetime event for that kiddo!
As for the gifts we received, we absolutely sent our thank you notes promptly and were entirely grateful for those gifts (and for the presence of those who attended without gifts). But given the strife we found we’d caused with not having a registry, we certainly felt guilty when people had guessed/chosen incorrectly. And, yes, guilty in a way we would not have felt at an “incorrect” birthday or Christmas gift. I attribute our added feelings of guilt to that clear stress we’d inadvertently caused our guests.
I am in agreement with Margot here (which…if you follow the blog…doesn’t happen all the time! ha!)—if guests were struggling and making that struggle known to you then tell those guests what you want/need. If you knew about their stress then you had an opportunity to be open and honest and say “thank you for your thoughtfulness–we really could use _________ and appreciate you wanting to get us something we want/need.” I find it ironic that the desire to avoid guests angst about gift giving is to register–when good, old-fashioned communication could ease their worries and be much, much more personal. I find it much less awkward to answer the question “What does Suzie need or want? What does she like?” than to refer them to a list. Just my more than 2 cents worth here…
Sure, Claire, that’s what we did do for those stressed guests we found out about BEFORE the wedding. As you say, “making that struggle known” was really the key to the communication.
For those who did, we first emphasized how much we simply wanted their presence at the wedding, followed by how challenging it would be to take gifts home with us (destination wedding for us, but not 90% of our guests) and that covered it for those people.
It was only after the wedding we found out about another irritated subset, who had not conveyed frustration to us or our families. I feel for those people, but I was in no position to fix the situation once I found out about it.
In truth, we found out a lot of this via our parents – the families are rather traditional and would not DREAM of asking us directly for registry information or what we want. They do not want to not put us in the position of seeming to demand gifts.
I’m a big fan of registeries and Amazon wish lists. I have a friend who is very dear to me but very hard to shop for. Since he has Amazon wish list I now know what to buy him every year for birthday and Christmas. This same friend is getting married this year. He is nearing middle age as his his wife to be. This is the first marriage for both of them. They are combining households so they not only have one of everything, but two. They have put on their wedding info that they request only the company of their friends and family at the event but if you want to buy a gift a contribution to their honeymoon is certainly welcome. I didn’t find this offensive at all. I wouldn’t feel right attending a wedding without giving a gift.
I HATE registries. Our wedding registry only had inexpensive china since we each lived on our own for over 10 years. I created a baby registry because people kept bugging me about where I was registered, but only told people if they asked specifically. Both were pretty scantily filled out because I felt like it was a selfish demand for gifts. I refused to have a bridal shower because I felt like it was a secondary money grab.
Regarding the price range, if I find something not in my price range in the registry, I buy them something not from the registry. Those gifts are more remembered.
People think registries are okay because corporate America says they’re okay. Though….in many traditional Italian families, they always give envelopes of money. Only money.
I have an amazon wishlist for my infant for 2 reasons: 1) I put things on it to remind myself of them later (e.g. toys that she’s too young for now) and 2) I got sick of my in-laws constantly bugging me about what they can get her. Of course, she’s 9 months old, so she has no idea what any of it means.
I do like wedding registries, and I don’t care if it’s for people just starting out or more established. Why would I not get someone a gift just because they didn’t happen to meet the right person in college? Regarding the high end items, I know a lot of people who added big ticket items because almost all registries now give you a % off after the event. So if you know you need furniture and you want something from a particular store, may as well get the 15% off.
I must say, I completely disagree. I enjoy giving gifts & I appreciate seeing what types of things the couple need/want. No where on the invite does it state if you don’t bring a gift or shop from the registry will you forever be blacklisted. And while it is the thought that counts, you only have so many thoughts to give out during the day and sometimes you are burnt out and want to get a gift but don’t have it in you to spend a lot of thought on it.
Not to mention, as you point out, couples often live together before they are married and I’d rather not buy them something they already have.
As for baby registries, do you not remember how much crap people send you when you have a kid? A million outfits that your kid will never have time to wear even if they go through 10 outfits a day and way too many smaller size diapers that you grow out of in a month. And then you get to have the fun of figuring out where to return it for a fraction of the cost it was purchased for.
The point of the baby registry (and really any registry) isn’t just for the gift receiver to select the types of things they need. It’s also so that other people can see what has already been purchased so that they don’t buy the same exact thing. Does that still happen on occasion? Yes, but it has greatly decreased since the growing popularity of registries.
As for registries for kids, most times its the parents that set it up for the kids (without the kid’s knowledge), not the kids picking out their own items. And these are set up for the convenience factor for the number of times the parents gets asked over and over again, what does Junior want. Not to mention, again, it also helps avoid duplicates. I remember plenty of birthday parties as a kid where the same gift was gifted and opened twice and you always felt bad for the kid who had given the duplicate. Or when the gift was opened and the small child didn’t know any better to not exclaim “I already have this.” I am purposefully avoiding the hot topic of whether or not the kid should be allowed to open the gifts at the party to begin with.
I had not heard of the gift registry for kids, but after just having my son’s fifth birthday party I wish I had known about it. We had several requests from people asking what he wanted, and it would have been nice to just point them in the direction of the website for ideas, and to see what had already been purchased. (We did instruct him to make sure he said thank you and was gracious even if it was a duplicate, or even something he wasn’t excited about.)
I like the wedding/baby registries as well. I can see what the honoree has already received, and even if I don’t choose something from the registry I can see what colors or theme they have and get something that coordinates. Most people (but not all) are good about putting a variety of items on there that will fit every budget, and remember that often groups of people like to go in together to purchase one larger item. I don’t look at it as a shopping list where they expect to receive each and every thing listed, but as an idea generator to make gift selection easier on the giver.
I personally am not bothered by gift registries for any occasion. What gets me riled up is the gift registry notification that comes in the invitation! I cannot tell you how many wedding invitations, baby shower invitations, and even birthday party invitations I have gotten over the last several years where several cards fall out — all announcing where the couple or child is registered! That is tacky in my opinion — there is a time and place for letting someone know that there is a registry out there. Putting that in the invitation is just a blatant request for a gift which, as so many have pointed out above, should not be required. On the other hand, the registry is useful for those of us who are so busy that we cannot put a coherent thought together about what to get for someone on those occasions where we do really want to give a gift, and I know I’m getting something that the person/people really do want and will use.
I have always hated the idea of registries (but admit I purchased from them), the exception is my amazon wishlist. I mostly keep it for myself, I add things to it that I “have to have” and then leave them there. If I forget about them, I know I didn’t really want it and they get deleted. My mom also uses it to purchase me gifts for special occasions, she insists on a list of some sort and I use hers (makes buying her things easier, but that is another story).
The problem I have now, I am getting married in September and while we had never planned on registering (we really don’t need any more stuff), I am getting pressure to provide a registry. So, I created a Knot page that we will put a few select things we want and websites to gift cards that would be useful to purchase things we use on a regular basis and only give out the address when specifically asked. It still feels tacky to me and I am not sure what to do about it. I am 38 and he is 30 and we combined two households, we aren’t young adults starting out, but it is our first (and only) marriage.