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What Role Does My Husband Have?

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There have been some comments lately about the role my husband plays in our relationship. I thought I have mentioned our roles before, but I could be wrong. Maybe it was in a comment or something. So this post is going to reply to some comments and explain why our situation is the way it is.

I just keep thinking that all of your amazing efforts would move TWICE as fast (think how quickly that credit AND student loan debt would be gone) if your husband could motivate his ass to go get some normal, hourly work of any variety.

There is no doubt that if my husband got a job flipping burgers he would be bringing more money into the house. He could have a schedule and be making minimum wage. Instead of doing that, though, he has worked temp jobs that make more than twice minimum wage. No, it’s not steady work (in fact, he hasn’t had any work for a while now – but it will kick up again). But it’s flexible work.

We’ve done the work opposite shifts thing before. That was so rough on us as a family. I do not want to do that again. The temp jobs were awesome because he could work them while my son was in school, yet, if my son was sick there was no scrambling to try to figure out who could watch my son. Although I work at home, it is not a job where I can watch my son while doing it.

Not only does he [husband] not have a job, this guy apparently does not participate in the financial decision making process in this family. With Tricia it’s always “I” did this or “I” decided that, never “we.”

I do have a difficult time with the pronouns. That is because I am in charge of the finances. With my personality, I’m not sure I could ever give them up. That works well for us because my husband has no interest in it. I’m analytical…he’s creative.

Don’t get me wrong – we do discuss some financial decisions. We don’t for the little ones, but we do for the big ones. More often than not, we are on the same page and a decision is reached quickly.

He also comes across as someone who is immature about work – going into debt to buy expensive toys to start a business, not being willing to do enough other work while he was looking for a career-type job, not being a true partner in terms of this get out of debt plan, etc.

The whole business thing was a disaster back then. Every purchase was made by me, and not my husband, because I controlled the money. I’m not sure how many times he said, “We don’t need that,” but I thought otherwise. It ended up being a very expensive lesson. As for getting out of debt, he is my partner. He provides the support that makes it possible for me to bring in additional income.

I think that we would make an awesome family for that wife swap show. Not only do we live a very simple life, the “traditional” role of husband and wife are reversed in our relationship. I make the majority of the money and manage the money. My husband does all of the housework and cooking. I couldn’t tell you the last time I did laundry or washed the dishes. He also takes care of our son. He gets our son ready for school and takes him to the doctors when he is sick. While I try my best to get off work for my son’s school events during the day, if we both can’t be there at least my husband is there for our son.

For our family, this arrangement works. For our finances, this arrangement works. Is there an even better arrangement out there? Yes. That’s why we still are working behind the scenes to try to improve things. More about that will be coming in the next few weeks.


45 Comments

  • Reply Nine Circles |

    I have some married friends who have a similar arrangement as you and your husband and it seems to work well for them too. I think people need to dump the traditional gender roles and do what each person is best suited for. I suspect there are a lot of marriages that have gone under because the couple wanted to stick to traditional roles even though they didn’t work for them. I’ve known quite a few men who are lousy at financial management and quite a few women who are lousy at housework. Why fight it?

  • Reply Sherri |

    I’m glad you have a partner and a relationship that allows each of you to take on the roles that suit you best. 🙂 As for me, I love handling “the finances” but right now we keep our money separate and divide up the bills (we both work). He finds paying bills and managing money somewhat of a chore, so, in the future I envision the bulk of the finances becoming my domain. It’s not tedious to me! I love minutiae and detail! As for house chores, he is much better at many of them than I am. I hate being bad at something! How is it that I can sweep a floor four times and it’s STILL dirty?!? So I try and stick to the things that I am best at (why did that have to be cat boxes?). Again, bottom line, everyone is different, and hopefully most people find partnerships that are a good balance for them, whatever form that takes. 🙂

  • Reply Joy SMith |

    wow. I am just amazed at how many curious yet rude and assuming people there are in this world. I am one in charge of finances as well. But only because my husband doesn’t like to budget. If he had his choice, he’d spend it all on toys and movies and forget the bills.lol Still he’s always complaining about bills and having to pay them. I’ve had to tell him, that’s life. You will always have to pay some bill.

  • Reply Jean |

    I have to delurk to say how much I admire your restraint. You posted a very gracious response to some ridiculously rude and presumptuous–not to mention judgmental–comments. If somebody made those assumptions about my husband and the decisions we’ve made to run our household and our finances, I would have said some pretty hot-headed and regrettable things in reply.

  • Reply dogatemyfinances |

    I write in first person too, even thought it’s not quite accurate for what actually goes on. I decided to do that after reading a post by Jonathan (My Money Blog) much like this one about just picking a pronoun.

    I had no idea your husband only works part-time. That fact is pretty mind-boggling to my Gen Y brag-about-how-many-hours-you-work sensibilities. Especially since y’all are trying so hard to get out of debt. What does he do when he’s not working?

  • Reply Line |

    I’m Swedish, and I think that here traditional gender roles are not as set in stones as in the US. It’s more common that the husband use half of the m(p)aternity leave for example. My husband, like yours, cooks more often than me and does most of the grocery shopping. If you were a guy and you were home with kids, I don’t think anyone would tell you to get a job flipping burgers. I cheer you on for doing whatever works best for your family. We are humans, not our gender.

  • Reply Kimberly |

    Wow, you have some harsh critics. I just assumed that since you were having so much success paying things off, saving, and doing responsible things like buying insurance, that he was very supportive. Sure, the debt could be paid off faster if everyone was working 80 hours a week, but I think that’s crazy. There are some debt bloggers who talk about there spouses NOT being on board, fighting them every step of the way, not caring, and continuously spending while the other is trying to pay stuff down. I never saw that here on your blog. I think people just like to find fault in others.

  • Reply LA |

    1) when my son comes home crying because some kid calls him a nerd because he wears glasses, I ask him, “Who is this kid? Is he part of your family, someone you’re sure you’ll know in ten years, does he have any control over you? Why do you care what he says?” The answer is usually “no, I don’t even know his name,” and he begins to see that the power of other people’s opinions is only the power YOU give them.

    Congrats to you for daring to live your life as you see fit instead of how a few hundred anonymous blog-readers you’ll never meet think you should.

    2) I have many friends who have similar situations, husbands with careers that allow them to work from home or work flexibly, and the wife is the primary breadwinner. It wouldn’t work for me and my husband, and I do have concerns that some of the guys may be taking advantage of the situation. Do I tell them that? Only if they ask.

    Ain’t none of my business. I’ve got my own crops to worry about.

  • Reply Karen |

    I agree with Jean. Even on a debt-repayment mission, one must have balance. If not, it won’t work. What roles you and your husband play is nobody’s business. It is obviously working for your family so don’t let other’s opinions get you down. Also, I can tell you that working at home saves a TON of money. I spend alot to get to work (gas plus bus fare), then the clothing, shoes, bags to haul my lunch, snacks, coffee, etc…..It all adds up to a substantial sum. Right now I am fighting the urge to purchase a small fridge to keep under my desk so I don’t have to use the “communal fridge – YUCK! It’s nasty!!!

  • Reply Mar |

    Very nice post, Tricia. It probably won’t quiet all the critics, but I think you have a balanced, sound relationship. As a single Mom who works full-time and still has to do the finances, cleaning, etc., I envy you having someone who handles the laundry, dishes, etc.!

    To dogatmyfinances, it sounds like Tricia’s husband does all of the household chores and child care. That takes up some time!

    Karen, don’t bother with the fridge, especially if you don’t leave food at work overnight. I used a small cooler/large lunchbox with a freezer pack that keeps everything cold until I eat it. It’s a lot less expensive than a small fridge!

  • Reply LA |

    PS – has anybody factored in the cost of child care if your husband isn’t at home to take care of your son when necessary? Does it negate the amount of money he would be bringing in flipping burgers at minimum wage? (Been there, done that.)

  • Reply Moths in My Wallet |

    First, I just want to say how impressed I am about how much debt you have paid off in such a short time! Your blog is very inspiring!

    Second, I want to commend you for how professionally and politely you have responded to such rude remarks! I am a temp myself and am currently only working part-time (my hours got cut due to the economy), but you absolutely are right: the pay is better as a temp for just part-time work than working 40 hours a week at the mall or flipping burgers.

    The biggest downside to being a temp, of course, is the instability and the stigma you get from other people who make judgments about you. Clearly, you both are doing something right as you’re going to be out of debt very, very soon! Keep up the good work! Heidi

  • Reply Michelle |

    I’ve had the same responses/comments about my husband on my blog. Some have been very insulting. I usually leave them up, but on one occasion, I deleted a comment that really upset me. I believe the commenter said that my husband was a moron, and idiot. I had one commenter tell me I should leave my husband. He and I do not see things eye-to-eye when it comes to finances, although he has been more agreeing with me a certain issues. My hope is that eventually we will see things eye-to-eye and that he will be more involved in our financial decisions.

  • Reply Brian |

    The thing that strikes me most if how much people are neglecting the financial impact of your husband taking care of housework and your son! If he did get a job working 40 hours a week at Wal-Mart making $7.00/hr, he’d just hand the paycheck over to the babysitter and/or daycare. Plus, the time in evening s and weekends lost in chores that are no longer being done because he’s at work means less family time! There is economic value in a parent that takes care of house and child, and there is a value (to some) on time spent. Kudos to you both for sticking with what works. The critics can hush!

  • Reply Dasha |

    I have to say I agree with most of the comments above. Also, even prior to reading the last two paragraphs I was wondering if the same comments were made if you were male. Cause, you know, it’s the 50s.

  • Reply Kevin |

    You are much kinder to those critics then I would be. It’s obvious that you two have given thought to your circumstances, and have made the best choices available for your family.

    It doesn’t really matter who makes the financial decisions in the family. When I was growing up, my Mom was the one who handled the finances, with great success, as it was she who was interested in doing so. In my family, it’s me. I guess I got the bug from my Mom. My wife has no interest in learning how to maximize the value of our money and I do.

    I’m going to make damn sure my son gets the financial education I never had, before he goes off on his own, so he can start right and not waste years like I did doing stupid stuff.

  • Reply DC Smith |

    One of my favorite authors once said that the key to a great story is the detail you leave out. People fill in blanks based on their own experience. Allowing them to do so makes the story more personal and vivid, and therefore better.

    There are many people out there whose context is quite unfortunate, and that’s their basis for filling any blanks they might perceive in your blog. When you read a comment and think “Yikes! Where the heck did this come from?” remember it’s a reflection of their life experience. Scary, huh?

    The only appropriate response (best left unsaid) is “I’m so sorry about all that you’ve been through. I hope everything works out for you in the end.”

  • Reply Susan |

    Many of us were wondering how your family dynamics were broken down and your recent post explained a lot. An interesting topic would be discussing the costs of working a 8 to 5 job versus the expenses of being self employed. Most of us would agree that the benefits of healthcare for a family is increased with a “regular job,” however the benefits of childcare increases with self employment.
    It is, of course, difficult to balance it all out, but whatever works for your particular family is what counts!

  • Reply Chief Family Officer |

    I manage our money, too, and I too find myself using “I” a lot when I write, even though my darling husband and I discuss our finances, have agreed on priorities, and work together to achieve our financial goals. I like it, I enjoy it, I get a kick out of it. Him, not so much. In fact, he’d rather clean the toilet. Our other roles are somewhat more traditional, but I have to say, our kids infinitely prefer their father – he’s more patient, more understanding, and more fun. I figure I’ll teach them the practical stuff and he’ll teach them to live well 🙂

  • Reply justine |

    Hi Tricia,

    I think that your household division of labor makes sense, and it’s a wonderful example of how there’s no need to restrict ourselves to binding gender roles.

    However, I remain confused based on previous blog entries you’ve made. There was one entry where you mentioned that you can’t give your husband cash, because they he would know that you wouldn’t be able to track his purchases and he’d spend money mindlessly on milkshakes and fries. Hopefully he’s since become more of a partner, but back then he sounded like someone who was being dragged along in this debt reduction effort. There was also a blog entry where you said that since you started dating, your husband “handed over” all of his finances to you. I have no problem with one person taking the financial lead in a marriage. However, I think it’s a little escapist to just entirely turn out one’s finances and to be so eager to do so that it happens during the dating period.

    Best of luck to you on your continued journey!

  • Reply Renee |

    You are doing a great job with this blog, and it’s not for us to judge your personal life!

    But you handled the intrusion very well – good response post. Since we are talking about it, I will share that I have a step-sister that does all of the full-time work + finances + childcare + housework in her house, and it’s good to hear that your husband does his part in your ‘role-reversal’ arrangement. It sounds like you have a great partnership!

    It’s too bad people are so judging of your personal life on this blog. I’ve dealt the same ‘attacks’ while on a livejournal group I was a member of, when I tried to vent about an issue I was having and needed some support on, I got a lot of judgements in return about my living situation. Sometimes, people online are too into each other’s business in a rude way, and I’m sorry you had to make this post in your defense!

  • Reply JT |

    Well, I’m a SAHM and have been for years. When our first baby was born, it was my husband who stayed home and took care of him. I made much more than he could at the time, so it worked. I quit when (1) it was apparent my husband’s career was more secure, and with greater potential for growth and (2) we refi’d and cut our mortgage in half. We have joked since then and said we “took a vow of poverty”!
    Whatever works for you! Congrats. it’s a fine line, balancing talk about the hazards of low income & debt and the need to be frugal, while affirming that choice of a “simple” lifestyle.

  • Reply Claire in CA, USA |

    I don’t see why people can’t mind their own business on this stuff, but I’m glad you have a system that works for you.

    Dave Ramsey says there are usually a “nerd” and a “free spirit” in every relationship. The “nerd” would be you; the “free spirit,” your hubby. I have a friend who is in the same situation (though she is a housewife, so does the majority of the housework/laundry.) She handles the finances, gets his input on big stuff, and tells him what’s going on.

  • Reply Susan |

    Hi Trisha,

    IMHO, you do not need to explain your life to anyone. If how you run your home works for your family – meaning everyone is healthy, the home functions, and finances are in order – then it works for your family. Your ability to manage debt is masterful and I enjoy reading how you save a buck here and there – along with different strategies for tackling debt. It all adds up to a great post about your journey. But, how you run your family is non of my concern….that’s why we call it “your” family.

    Best to you and your family.

  • Reply Anonymous Reader |

    Thank you for explaining the division of labor and responsibility in your family. It helps your readers understand your husband’s contributions. Before you explained this, it appeared from your posts he was acting like an irresponsible adolescent.

    If I were in your shoes, I would be concerned about one thing. Would your husband be able to handle the finances if something happened to you? If you are not already doing this, it might be helpful if you and he spent an hour or two every couple of months going over the current situation and planning for the short and long term.

  • Reply ladydoughgirl |

    Hi there,
    I just have to say that I’m amazed at how rude some people’s comments are and how many assumptions people make. The main thing in a relationship is to feel that you have a partner. However you divide responsibilities up is up to you. And there is no right or wrong.

    While I personally think it is VERY hard to have one person making the majority of the money and the other one doing the majority of the caretaking/housework this doesn’t mean it can’t work for some. I also wonder if about the sexism behind some of the remarks. If you were a male blogger and had a wife who was doing most of the childrearing would anyone comment on her ability to bring in more money? I wonder.

  • Reply Susan |

    Ah, this is such a “hot” topic. One has to agree; if a woman is the primary caregiver and does NOT bring in income it is considered acceptable. Why not a man? Trish and hubby have it worked out well. I’m amazed that her husband can keep it all together. I know from personal experience that childcare, homework, and domestic chores can be a very difficult job and very underrated. In the end the child will remember being nutured and NOT the amount of money that Dad or Mom made. He will remember if Mom and Dad were happy. Nuturing children is a parent’s most important job!

  • Reply Jason Mathew |

    This is great that you both make a very great family , playing all the important role of your side each. Taking care of son, earning money, managing the expenses, cooking etc. All are the right place. Hope that you make great days ahead. and waiting for updates……..

  • Reply Robin |

    First, let me say that I agree that it is totally your decision how you do your own finances and run your own household. That being said, I do find a few things contradictory here.
    1) You say this situation “works” for you. Obviously it doesn’t, or you wouldn’t be in debt in the first place.
    2) One of the comments above says she doesn’t know why people can’t mind their own business. I’m sorry, but if you are putting all your personal business on an internet blog for the whole world to see, then you should be able to take constructive criticism.
    3) I have been reading financial books for months now, and am currently reading “Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich” by Lois Frankel. I just read half of this book last night, and was struck by the similarity of what she say with your current post. It is all about how women make emotional decisions with money and make excuses for the men in their lives because they want to take care of them. Seriously, you should read it.

  • Reply Tricia |

    Robin – Our division of duties throughout our marriage have not always been like this. There were times where we both worked or only my husband worked. In fact, right before I started this blog, I was out of work and my husband was the “breadwinner.” What we are doing now is working, and with how much debt we have paid off…it is working well.

    No doubt there is a bigger goal both my husband and I have in mind. This arrangement is not one we particularly like. It works, so we are doing it…for now.

  • Reply Lisa |

    Hi Tricia,
    I appreciate your honesty about everything. I just wanted to warn you about one thing.
    Back in the 80s and 90s my husband and I chose non-traditional roles as well. As a matter of fact, we sound very similar to you and your husband in a lot of the choices we made. We raised a son and daughter, both in their late 20s now. I worked full-time and made all the financial decisions, because just like you, I had more earning power and was better at the finances. My husband worked part-time and sporadic full-time jobs and took on the majority of the housework and childrearing.
    Just keep this in mind – no matter what you teach your children or try to tell them, they will end up emulating their same-sex parent. I have seen this first-hand. Our daughter is very independent now. Our son is another matter. Although he is college educated, he depends on his girlfriend far too much for everything. I have told him over and over that I want him to be financially independent, but I realize now that it’s too late. He thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him not being the breadwinner in the family.
    Okay, so here is the problem – most people do not share this view. His currently girlfriend of 3 years seems annoyed with us now for the way we raised him. She has said that she thinks him seeing my husband as pretty much a stay at home dad has ruined him, since she doesn’t agree with this – and her parents definitely don’t agree with it. They think he should be taking charge in the relationship, and I’m embarassed to think that they may view him now as dependent on their daughter. I want them to love and admire my son, not think of him as a deadbeat that can’t take care of their daughter.
    Our son it almost 30 now. And he has struggled big time with finding a girl like dear old mom, that doesn’t mind him being the creative one in the relationship. I worry now about if our choices were good ones. It worked for us at the time, but it’s not working now in his life. But the damage has been done.

  • Reply Stacey |

    I’ve been reading your blog for some time now, and I’m delurking to give you a big pat on the back. Good for you and your husband for doing what is right for your family.

    After reading the comments on this post, it amazes me that some people think that taking care of children IS NOT WORK. How wrong they are! (These comments must come from people who don’t have children.) Children are the most important asset in a family — not the car, the house, or the savings account. As a friend of mine says, children are not pets: you can put them in a crate until you come home from work. Raising a child well takes time, attention, and involved care.

    Some of the comments also amaze me as to the underlying assumption that comes through: men who value family over material gain are seen as freeloaders. That is a sad statement to me as to the expected contributions a man can make to his family.

    Good for you for valuing your family. Good for you for honoring the strengths of both you and your husband. Good for you for raising your son well.

  • Reply Manders |

    Wow, I don’t check in for a while (due to a move) and when I do, I see that people have been bashing Tricia.

    I know before she has mentioned that their family dynamics is the way it is for a reason. I know that Tricia has mentioned that it works for them.

    I know that her family has also shown a EMENSE effort in their journey to pay off debt. Just look at how much they started at and where they are now. Amost $30,000 paid off and a savings to boot. Do any of you know how long her family has taken to reach this goal?

    I found a first post of February 16, 2006. That doesn’t mean they didn’t start before, but to pay off $30,000 in debt in about 2 years and 3 months is admirable. Even if her husband doesn’t have a traditional 9-5 job. What they are doing is working.

    Who are we as readers to crucify him for not living up to our standards and expectations?

    Personally I appreciate how diciplined Tricia and her family have been in their journey, and I commend how gracious Tricia has been in her response to some peoples comments about her husband.

    Plus it’s nice to not have to cook and wash dishes 🙂

    Mandi

  • Reply JKT |

    I’m confused by people’s freak-outs whenever someone offers constructive criticism to Tricia or makes observations based on what she’s written in her blog. People aren’t “butting in” when they make observations based on data that Tricia has put on the internet. Most people in my life keep their financial data private, but it’s hard to argue for privacy when people choose to share the financial (and other) details of their lives with everyone on the internet and when they clearly solicit feedback via a comments section on a blog. Are blogs really that helpful if we all just act blindly as cheerleaders?

    Additionally, comments or constructive criticism aren’t necessarily “attacks” or “judgments”. So many of these comments are excessively sensitive. I’m not sure what the point of blogging with comments is if people don’t expect feedback, both good and bad.

    Most of all, I don’t get the references to an “intrusion.” People who are making comments on content that Tricia has put in current or past blog entries are not “intruding.” Plus, the standard of what constitutes an “intrusion” surely changes when bloggers choose to make public otherwise personal details about their lives and their finances. Enough of the double standards, people!

    Finally, I don’t get why there’s so much hollering about commentors “making assumptions.” People who offered constructive criticism made it clear that their comments were based on content that Tricia chose to put in her blog, not assumptions.

  • Reply Robin |

    Hooray for JKT – well said! I have been reading some of these financial blogs for the past few months and have never commented until today. I read them to learn more about money, keep myself on track, and out of curiousity. What has struck me as odd is the same thing you said – it seems that the bloggers are more than willing to share every single intimate detail of their private lives with the whole world, and put up comment sites for people to respond, but get all offended anytime anyone disagrees with them in any way. What is the point of any of this if people can’t be honest with eachother and offer advice, based on their own observations and experiences? I agree that the bloggers want just a bunch of cheerleaders all the time to make them feel good.

  • Reply Frugal Babe |

    I think that Trisha has handled this post with a lot of diplomacy and class. She’s obviously not just looking for cheerleaders, or else she’d just delete the negative comments and move on. I often come across negative comments on this site, so she’s obviously confident enough to leave them on her blog for all to see. And in this post, she actually highlighted some of them and gave well-thought-out responses. Nicely done Trisha.

  • Reply JKT |

    I didn’t say that the problem was Tricia — she responded productively and constructively. I said the problem was all of the excessively sensitive and moralistic people leaving comments that chastise people who dare to critique Tricia’s posts.

  • Reply Maxjane |

    Tricia – Thanks for handling such a hard topic with so much honesty. “I” too am the financial planner for our household – a role I did not readily take on. But I now see how my unique strengths benefit our family’s fiscal picture. So – if it works for you – and clearly it does! – keep it up.

    As for all the naysayers you have run into – perhaps a gentle reminder that there are many PF blogs that are about relationships *and* finances. I have not ever questioned your husband’s role, not because of my opinion, but more because I see this blog as about you and your struggle to help “your family” . And guess what – “your family” is doing GREAT! I have no double that some of that “greatness” is due to a willing partner, and if others can’t see what it written between the lines, that is their loss.

    And not to step over a line, but does anyone question the spousal involvement of other male PF bloggers?

    I don’t want to make this about the sexes at all – more just to point out that just because men are supposed to be “bread winners” and “financially savvy” does mean that everyone’s reality reflects that.

    I personally thing it is amazing to see a wife, mother and career woman helping her family get to the best financial footing they can. That’s why I you every day Trish. So keep up the good work!

  • Reply Dariaclone |

    Tricia,

    I just wanted to echo the people who said you did a great job with a gracious response.

    Daria

  • Reply MVP |

    I’m impressed that you’ve taken all those negative comments about your DH so non-defensively. I’ve noticed these comments over the months, and most people, I think, would get really ticked off to hear so much criticism of their spouse. Obviously, this is a somewhat open forum, but I applaud you for knowing what’s right for your family and not bashing people for their comments.

  • Reply Vedis The Credit Card Debt Mama |

    Hi, Tricia,

    I am one of them who loves using “I” and “My credit card debts” for my credit card debt blog even though my hubby works together with me to pay off the debts.

    It does give readers the impression that I am the one who pays down the credit card debts. As a matter of fact, both hubby and I work together to pay off the debts.

    He doesn’t make as much money as I do these few years due to health reason. I don’t mind making more money than my hubby to pay off the debts because I have to bear in mind that he is the one doing the housework for me when I am busy with my online assignments.

  • Reply Emmi |

    Really late to this topic, but it looks like it’s still alive and kicking. Just my 2cents here…

    Having seen women in some pretty crappy situations that they will deny up and down is detrimental. I don’t fault the harsher sounding commenters who “butted in”. If you don’t stick your nose in when you perceive red flags (and they differ for everyone, based on past experience) then you aren’t being a girlfriend to Tricia. Call it an over-learned response, but there it is. Tricia handled it with rare blog aplomb and tact.

    But not butting in, in general, is to risk not being there if a situation is bad. That’s just real life and sometimes women have to risk a friendship to try and right a wrong situation, especially since the person in the middle of the situation is often not thinking at their best and in worst case often has gone into something resembling POW mode, and to assess the “true” situation you have to listen between the lines of what someone says, which is how I read the “guilty” commentors comments.

  • Reply Bev Schweigert |

    I handle all the money in our family too. If my husband knew how much we actually have available each month, he’d spend it… he likes that I control it so that when we do have major purchases, we have the money to buy them. He says we’d never have the money saved if he was in charge! lol!

    You do what you have to do to make a marriage work. I think you’re doing great!

  • Reply Rina |

    My husband thinks nothing about debts. Ones he said: When bailiff comes, do not open the door.And for the sake of myself and my 2 kids, I got in touch with Taxman, initiated remorgage and paid this and others debtors off! I did not know at the time, that he could only come to place of our marridge ceremony by not paying his mortagage on his flat. A few months after that we were visited by bank officer and his flat, our home was repossed and he got bad credit rating. Despite that I moved to the different country to the different political system I lived so far and could not speak properly the language,and after this I was lucky to find a job. I could use my native language, (never knew that such a job could exist) and my first month I earned such a huge cheque, my husband never seen ever. He run to photocopy it and next thing, he resigned in his job, his flat was repossesed. I rented and paid for new place, this time 3 bed house, paid all bills and fed him, clothed him and paid for everything. Was I stupid or what? But I did not think that I could or shold leave him being in foreign country and just 6 months after our wedding (paid by me). This has been repeating for the last 19 years!!! What is wrong with me. ??
    He is genuine person, would help anybody, anytime, you cannot find more caring soul. He is so caring, that when one of his parent became terminally ill, he stopped working to pop in and out his parents house. He left me with 3yrs old kid in rented house which was not paid for and luckily I had creditcards to feed us.
    Why it is so hard to leave person who is genuinly a good charater, kind, helpful, caring and sensitive to others and dearly loves me (or he needs me as a child needs his mum ???)but is not able to support anybody financially. He has got very low paid job, gets up early in the morning but is at home by 2pm, sometimes earlier, no work weekends.. and what he does is sleeps, watch TV and play (if he has got an urgent need to paint one radiator black, he will. Or make something useles from wood which he collects on the road etc. This week I have got (not the first time) court summons for non payment which is his only responsibility (I pay for everything under the sun). The bill has now been paid – by his relative – AGAIN . We never go anywhere (he says NO MONEY) so I decided to live and give my kids a holiday before they will come to an age they will refuse to go with parents. To be together, to remember times…. He is having a problem with this vacation, excuses and suddenly he says: I will not go. It feels not right because of my relative paid my debt.He doesnt say I feel sorry for you paying for me all the time..) I do not have money myself but I will earn and safe no matter what by the time of the vacation. His attitude is: I cannot pay my bills because I do not have money, I cant have vacation I do not have money. I cant have job outside of waLKING RANGE BECAUSE i DONT HAVE MONEY TO TRAVEL TO A JOB. I do not know what to do with this situation. Kids think about him as a lodger, he does not do anything for them. He sits in front of TV. And I have nobody to talk to about this trully. Hope that this anonymous place will give me the mirror of reflexion without a cover !

    Many thanks everyone who wants to contribute.
    R.

So, what do you think ?