by Tricia
First of all, if you are stopping by here from the Get Real Girls radio show out of Minneapolis…Welcome! I was humbled when they asked me if I wanted to be on their show this week because they had me on back in April as well.
This week, we discussed keeping up with the Joneses. As I mentioned on the show, I have a weak spot when it comes to family visiting. We live quite many miles away from our family and we get a visit from them about once a year. Before we started on our debt reduction journey, as soon as I heard that someone was visiting I hit the stores.
We got new clothes, new sheets, new decorations, new doormats, etc. It ended up being a huge shopping spree that was financed with our credit cards!
I know why I did it. I wanted it to look like we were doing well. In fact, though, we weren’t doing well at all. I was trying to keep up with the Joneses – that imaginary family that lives the “good life.”
We had perfectly fine clothes in our closet. Our sheets were fine too, although they don’t all match. The decorations in our house were plentiful enough and we didn’t need a fancy doormat. The spending that I did was just putting us more into debt and we ended up with a lot of stuff.
I have learned a lot since those days. A book that helped me greatly was Debt is Slavery. That book led us to having three garage sales this summer and I am still finding things to get rid of. We clearly did not need to purchase all of those things and we clearly didn’t need to go into debt for it. I am so much happier now that the clutter is gone and I have a better understanding of what I value in my life. It’s not about impressing others…it’s about my family and making sure we are financially secure.
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Thanks for stopping by and thanks to the Get Real Girls for having me on! 🙂
Tricia, I can relate to this! For me it has often been the reverse, though: When I’ve visited others out of town, I have felt the need to have the right clothes (and by that I don’t mean designer labels or expensive clothes, just clothes that fit halfway decent), a housewarming gift, money to take out my hosts for dinner, to help pay for their gas after they’ve squired me around town, etc. It is endless expenditures … if you don’t have any extra cash. And I’m not even talking about trying to make them think I am well off. I just have a huge fear of appearing to be CHEAP. And I also think when you are a visitor, it is only right that you reciprocate for the things that hosts have to pay for, for your visit. My sadness stems from the fact that I am in such financial dire straits that I don’t have a nest egg to dip into for the rare trips I take out of town.
In your case, I learned a lot. I hope that hosts don’t feel the need to buy new sheets, etc. I know as a guest I do not judge people by those things. In fact, I am inspired when I visit people who do not have matching sheets, etc. I always think they have their priorities straight, compared to me!
I can say I feel like both Tricia and MSBlue. In both case when company was coming or I was going to be the guest. I too spent money I did not have to make sure I had the right look or decor or perfect hostess gift. I took me years to realize these people did not need my hostess gift or care if my door mat was new. Many couldn’t even remember what I was wearing. It is so sad that it takes a financial problem to make us realize what is really important.
After deciding I could no longer live that way because if I did continue I would have no place to live. I felt like a huge weight was lifted. These guests were coming to see me not my “things”. They enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs. We take so much for granted when we don’t stop to think “do I really need these”. Good luck to everyone working on getting out of debt and living a debt free life.
Interestingly, with me, I wasn’t even trying to have really nice things in my home, or to take with me, when I visited … just “good enough” things. Because I wait until I’m faced with visitors or with visiting before I replace or repair things, get my hair cut, etc. (I also don’t do much housekeeping till I’m faced with visitors!) PART of the reason why I put off things is because I am so stretched for money, I wait till it’s absolutely necessary to buy or replace something….. For example: Rather than spend $15 for the hardware store guy to fix my broken lamp, I spent $5 at a thrift shop replacing it. I waited to do it until I had company. Someday when I have more money I will have the other lamp fixed. (I’m not comfortable trying to rewire things myself. Just don’t want to go there.)
Along these lines, I’d like to add something that I think is relevant to Tricia’s post. Sometimes I buy things to make myself “up to par” with others (again, as opposed to looking current or wealthy) because I don’t want people to know that I no longer have the nest egg-windfall that people think I have. Before having this cushion of money, everyone knew I worked in a low-income profession . that I lived in an expensive city, and that I put myself through college on the side and always had to squirrel away money for tuition. No one ever questioned me for not having enough money to do things other people often do (lots of trips, a car, etc.), and when I would buy them any gift, as in Christmas for birthdays, they would demur and tell me I shouldn’t be spending so much money. (I am great at finding quality gifts and buying them when deeply discounted.) But, after the cushion of money occurred, people started acting a little differently toward me … not as if they expected me to live an extravagant lifestyle, but as if they assumed I no longer had to scrimp so much. So … I have the unique dilemma of not wanting them to know that I’ve gone through the cushion and have gone into debt and am in bad shape financially.
So, with me, it is not “keeping up with the Jonses”; it is more like “keeping the Jonses from worrying about me and judging me for not handling my money wisely.”
If it helps Tricia to know this, I’d like to repeat that I truly think middle-aged and older people give a lot of latittude to young couples who forego the matching-sheet-syndrome, because we understand you are just spending or saving your money on better things, such as a stable future for your children. So I hope you don’t sweat this in the future when you have visitors come.
Sorry to post AGAIN, but I had another thought. Marte talked about wanting to bring the hostess the perfect gift…. And I realize I am quite guilty of that. I have this fear as I said of looking cheap or looking like I have made a bad choice and have bought something the hostess can’t ever use or hates. I have a bad habit of taking to heart the crititicms I read or see on the news around Christmastime about the horrible gifts that people give, as hostess gifts or holiday gifts. So many people these days it seems do not go by “it’s the thought that counts” when someone brings them a hostess or other gift. So I put myself into a lather trying to find I guess the perfect gift. I often hit the mark and get praises for something unusual. But I often do not hit the mark. And in the end, as Marte so wisely put it, people probably don’t remember what you gave or wore. And we have to ask ourselves: Is THAT why we want to be remembered fondly by our friends at the end of the day? I don’t.
Ironically, I have often thought, while spending way too much time wondering, worrying, and shopping for “the right gift,” that the best gift I could give would be to instead spend the time working, to make more money, to get out of debt and get into fiscal solvency, so that I could be a better friend and relative….. so I could be less fretful, embarrassed, shamed … so I could come out of my hermit existence and give them more of my time…. Being enslaved by fiscal folly can ruin your ability to give more of yourself in relationships…..
Thanks for listening.
‘Debt is Slavery’…sounds like a good theme song for my last decade. Hopefully soon it’ll change to ‘Freedom’.
I think I’ll add that book to my wish list.