by Tricia
I’m still feeling pretty darn sick, but this giveaway is helping to put a smile on my face. I have five Quicken Premier 2008 copies (Windows version) that Intuit gave me to give away. These will be delievered via a secure download link so there’s no waiting for the post office to deliver them.
Some of you may know that I have another blog out there where I give tips on how to use Quicken. I haven’t updated the blog in a while because it’s going through a little change once I get around to doing it. I love the program and enjoy using it. I also received a copy and I plan on using it to post more tutorials on how to use Quicken. Yay!
Can you tell that I’m excited?
To be considered, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post sharing a joke. It can be a corny joke or a pretty cool one. Only thing I ask is that you keep it clean. Some say laughter is the best medicine and we all could probably use a few laughs.
The deadline to enter is 11:00pm EST on Friday, September 21, 2007. I will use random.org to select five random commenters. I will announce the names here no later than Sunday, September 23, 2007 as well as email the commenters. At that time the commenters will need to email me back to confirm their addresses and I will reply to those emails with the secure download link to download the program. If I do not hear back from the commenters selected by midnight on Tuesday, September 25, 2007, I will randomly select another commenter(s). Your chances of having your comment selected will depend on the number of comments received and only one comment per person please.
Ok, let’s share some jokes and have a good time here 🙂
EDIT: THIS IS OVER.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell
breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the
customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, –
“You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in
ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique (yoo-neek) up on it!
How do you catch tame rabbit?
Tame way! Unique up on it!
Here is a joke that my little sister loved to tell as a child:
Q: Why do they put fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are just dying to get in!
(It helps to put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘dying’.)
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“Thats wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
While my friend was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, “I know Daddy’s password! I know Daddy’s password!”
“What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, “Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!”
I have two jokes:
1) Why was the 6 afraid of the 7? Because 7 8 9! Get it? seven “ate” nine.
2) What did the 0 say to the 8? “Nice belt!”
Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so.
“Obviously not,” says the other. “If there were, someone would have picked it up!”
A circus takes its show over to Africa. The roads weren’t well-marked and the performers stumbled across a huge village with cannibals.
They were soundly outnumbered and everyone in the circus perished.
Two of the cannibals had one of the clowns for dinner. One of them takes a bite, looks at the other, and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”
A man walked into a bar. And said ‘ouch’.
Hahaha that is the best joke ever. Ok, I couldn’t think of a different one.
Whats brown and sticky ?
A stick.
A little boy and his mother were walking through an Ohio cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: “Here lies an OSU graduate and a good man.†The little boy asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?â€
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he Passes a little math test.
“Here’s your first question,” the foreman said.  “Without using numbers, Represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Italian says, “Datsa easy.”  And he proceeds to Draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
Â
“Ave you got no brain?  Tree and tree and tree makea nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss.  “Here’s your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.  “Ere a you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to Represent 99?”
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“Each of da trees is a dirty now.  So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.  Dat is 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you
go.  One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
(You’re going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each Tree and says, “A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree.  So now
you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty Tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred.  So, when I’m a gonna start?”
An oldie but goodie:
Knock, knock
Who’s there
Cargo
Cargo who?
No, silly car go beep beep!
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Bacause when they came to America they had
‘To NY’ stamped on their foreheads.
What do you call a cow that has a twitch? Beef Jerky
Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Customer: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”
This is my 5 year old daughter’s fave…
What did baby corn ask mama corn?
Where’s Pop Corn!!??
Replace corn with tart, sicle, goes the weasel, culture, etc for different variations. The kids crack up every time!
With apologies to all men 🙂
I just sent this to my sister in law in Iraq:
Okay – here is the dumb joke (it’s not dirty). . .
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm.
The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck
by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front
of
the plane. ‘I’m too young to die,’ she wails. Then she yells, ‘Well, if
I’m
going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall,
well
built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up
the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. -one button at a time.
…….No one moves.
…….He removes his shirt.
…….Muscles ripple across his strong chest.
……She gasps…
……and He says…….. ………
‘Iron this, and get me something to eat….
You really have to know how life is here at my home to really appreciate the off humor like I did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something.
The boy continues. “Johnny!” Mom screams. “Knock it off. You’re going to break something.” He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge to go to the bathroom. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in
time and splash, out it comes.
When she’s finished she looks down and can’t believe what she’s Seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees. And he takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
walls, etc. “Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asked.
He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually SEEN a fart!”
what do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
any place that doesn’t have a drive-up window 😛
In recognition of international pirate day…
Why are Pirates called Pirates?
Because they just aaarrr…
may not be suitable, but here goes anyway….
There’s this kid, no arms, no legs, no body, he’s just a head. Anyway it’s his birthday and his dad arrives in with a box all gift-wrapped…
“Son, I’ve found you a great present this year”
“Aw Dad – it’s not another bloody hat, is it?”
hey, I can use quicken pretty badly.
——–
Did you hear about the woman who stopped at 7-11 to get gas? She didn’t realize she had spilled gas on her sleeve and got in the car and lit up a cigarette and caught her arm on fire. She frantically tried to put it out, got out of her car and was waving her arm around trying to put it out.
Eventually it caught the attention of a cop inside, who came out and shot her.
WHY?
For waving a firearm.
Hi all,
a bit of Spanish humor.
A doctor inside a carvern:
Hello!
And echo answers: Hellooooo!!
Somebody hears me?
And echo replies: somebody hears meeeeeeeeeee?
I’m a otorhinolaryngologist!
and echo says: YOU ARE WHAT??????
Q. What do you call a man in an envelope?
A. Bill
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
A: Bob!
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: “Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!” She looked at the men in the room “And gentlemen, remember, you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with your partner.”
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes,” answered the instructor?
“I was just wondering,” the man questioned, “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
Q: What is the last the that went through the bug’s head when he hit the windshield?
A: His butt
One day a policeman waiting for speeders saw a gentleman driving a car with four penguins in the back seat. Sirens blaring, he raced out of his hiding place and pulled over the driver of the birds. “Sir,” he said, “I’m only going to say this once: take those penguins to the zoo! I’ll be watching for you!” The following day the policeman was furious to see the same car going by with four penguins in the back seat – now wearing sunglasses. He raced out, pulled over the driver and yelled out loud: “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” The driver looked baffled and said to the officer, “I did – I swear I did take them to the zoo yesterday. Today we’re going to the beach!”
A statistician goes hunting. He shoots at the dear and misses him 2 inches to the left. He shoots again and misses him 2 inches to the right. The statistician exclaims “I got him!”
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!
A thrifty elderly man lay in his room on his death bead. He reached out a hand and asked,
“Danny, is Danny my son here?”
“Yes Dad, I’m here,” sobbed Danny.
“Louis, is my son Louis here?”
“Yes Father, I’m here with you,” choked Louis.
“What about my brother Bob? Is he here?”
“Yes, I’m here too,” said Bob, overwhelmed with tears.
The old man’s wife reached out and took his hand. “We are all here with you my darling” she asid gently.
“Then why is there a light on in the kitchen!?”
Tricia, A little regional humor for you, say it with a heavy Finnish accent.
Where does a Finlander keep his hat?
Ontonagon
Panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. He finishes the meal, turns to the waiter and says, “that’s the finest meal I’ve had in a very long time.” and then pulls out his pistol and shoots the waiter.
He then proceeds to calmly walk out the door when the manager stops him and shouts “you can’t just shoot somebody then just walk off”. The panda pulls out his encyclopedia, hands it to the manager, opens the page to ‘Pandas’.
The manager reads: “Panda bears: native to Southeast Asia, eats shoots and leaves”
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad you asked!
My 6 yo dd loves this one!
How can you tell if a fly in the kitchen is a cowboy?
It’ll be on the range!
Thanks everyone! Comments are now closed.
Donna – LOL at the regional joke 🙂
You can easily change this joke to “yooper” and make it work too: here.
Q: a duck and a rabbit went for dinner together.
who paid for it?
A: the duck. the duck got the bill.
a man went into a fast-food restraunt and ordered a fish burger. an ostrich standing beside him asked for the same thing too. then he reached into his pocket and handed the lady the exact amount of money.
the next day, the man and the ostrich went to the same fast-food restraunt again and ordered a set of fish and chips. surprisingly, the ostrich once again ordered the same thing. the man then handed the lady the exact amount of money yet again. this surprised the lady. she asked,”how do you do this?”. the man explained. “a genie gave me two wishes. the first one was that i would always have the right amount of money to pay for anything.” the lady smiled, then with a puzzled look, asked the man,”then whats with the ostrich?”. the man said,”my second wish was to have a exotic chick with long legs who would agree with me about anything.”.