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“Confessions” Archive
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First of all, thank you everyone for your nice words and the well wishes for the future addition to our family. And thank you for the well wishes for quitting smoking. I wish I had better news to report with how I did today. I didn’t do so well…
I had great intentions and was pumped and ready when I went to sleep last night. When I woke up, it was a different story. The need for nicotine was right there and I couldn’t quit thinking about cigarettes. So I had half a cigarette.
As I was trying to work, having a cigarette was constantly on my mind. It was driving me crazy. After a while, even the click of my mouse started sounding like my lighter clicking. I always knew I was addicted; it became even more obvious with what was going on through my mind.
Before long, I was back downstairs and getting ready to go outside. I told my husband, “Well, I already blew it bigtime.” He suggested that I try to cut down and for the rest of the day I’ve only had half-cigarettes. True, cutting down is an option and I did that before when I was pregnant with my son. The thought was that while I was in the hospital I would give up the cigarettes completely. Well, didn’t work. As soon as I could leave my room without having the nurses yell at me I was out and about looking for where I could smoke. In fact, I almost was locked out of the hospital in the process!
This time, I want to quit and I want to quit for good. Maybe I should try weaning myself off of cigarettes instead of quitting cold turkey. Or maybe I should discuss this with my doctor when I visit him/her. Perhaps there is something I can take that is safe during pregnancy that will help. Maybe they might have some suggestions or can point me to a smoking cessation group.
Learning that I was pregnant put an urgency to quitting smoking, so I gave it a shot today. I feel very frustrated that I didn’t last very long. I recognize this feeling, and it’s lead to giving up before. I don’t want to give up. I think I need a plan, just like we have a plan for our debt reduction.
Thanks again to everyone that wished me well with quitting smoking. I feel horrible that I couldn’t do it today, but I’m not going to give up. I will become a non-smoker.
First off, something that is a little redeeming…I paid a few more debt payments and our debt total is now at $21,891. It is inching towards $20,000 and I am getting excited to be so close to that next milestone.
Now for the embarassing part. If you look to the right you will see that my savings total is down to $1,147. Just a few days ago, I was excited to let everyone know that we had reached $1,600 in savings.
What happened?
I’m not sure if I made the transfer! The money should have been withdrawn from my checking account by now and it hasn’t been done. Looking at my savings account, they money is not there and it doesn’t show a pending transfer. Usually I print or note confirmations and I couldn’t find one. So, it appears that I started to do the transfer because I remember filling everything out. Perhaps I didn’t hit the final button to seal the deal. I am so embarassed.
Add to that the fact that my math is horrible! The transfer was for $503. If you take the savings balance before ($1,147) and add them together, you get $1,650 NOT $1,600.
There’s a part of me that is saying to wait a few more days before trying the transfer again, just in case. My checking account is run so low that it would not survive two transfers of $503. Until I know about the transfer for sure, the best thing to do is to decrease the amount under savings.
I’m really surprised at myself that this happened because I am usually very detailed. I check and double check things - one might even say that I check things too many times. I almost have to wonder if this was meant to happen for some reason. That perhaps I am going to need that money for something else (like a bill I happened to forget about).
I guess time will tell, and hopefully sooner than later I my savings will increase again.
I confess, I am a huge Grey’s Anatomy fan. Thursday’s episode left me crying through almost the whole hour. The thought of the lead character, Meredeth, possibly dying upset me and I was saddened at how her friends at the hospital were feeling.
One of Meredeth’s closest friends, Christina, was watching and waiting to hear something about her friend. After a while, Chistina said that she couldn’t do this (wait for news) and left the hospital. We later see her shopping and a little bit later she’s visiting the bar showing the bartender what you can buy for 99 cents. She plopped a yellow plastic child’s chair on the counter (Christina has no children) to show the bartender her great find.
Christina is an emotional shopper…I was an emotional shopper.
More often than I would like, when I was feeling down about things I would go shopping. Interesting enough, most of the time it occurred when I was feeling down about not having money so I would turn around and go shopping. Like Christina, I wouldn’t go and buy glitzy expensive things, I would buy less expensive things that we really didn’t need. How about purchasing a cute picture frame even though I had no idea what to put in it? Or some new shirt that looks nice, but I probably won’t wear because it’s not “my style.” I wouldn’t spend a lot with each trip, but the trips add up.
Did the shopping make me feel better? Not really. I realize that now so I fight the urge whenever it arises. I’ve taken the need to go shopping and I either go online and write on my blog, or I clean the house. I’m replacing shopping with other things and so far it is working. There could always be a relapse and I could go overboard with buying expensive things, but I don’t think that will happen.
I feel much better now that I admit what was happening and I’m taking steps to stop it. Our checkbook is thanking me too, but the credit cards aren’t 
There was a show, I think it might have been Seinfeld, that had a conversation about someone drinking again and whether it was that they fell off the wagon or did they get on the wagon? In either case, it’s confession time again.
I gave up soft drinks months ago and things were going great. I slipped a little when we went on a trip to visit our parents and I drank some Sprite. Water just doesn’t taste as good while on a trip and I don’t like buying bottled water. Once we got back home, it was hard to go back to water and kool-aid. Carbonated beverages were creeping their way back into my life.
Granted, it wasn’t as much as before. A two liter would last a few days, and I still was refraining from caffeine. Then Christmas came.
I received a gift of some tea and I’m not a tea drinker. I decided to try it, and to my amazement it was very good. It became a morning drink for me while working (I’m not a coffee drinker). I enjoyed the warmth and the taste and became excited while waiting for my water to boil for my daily cup of tea.
That was a mistake for the tea had caffeine in it. While not a large amount, it was still there. With every sip I was getting hooked on caffeine again. After I ran out of the tea, I went to the store and before I knew it I had a Mountain Dew 2 liter in my cart. I needed a fix.
What this means is that I will have to wean myself off of caffeine again so I can try to quit drinking soft drinks again. I won’t give up quitting because each time I do quit it means money saved.
I recently reviewed The Maui Millionaires
Here’s the Dirty Dozen:
1.) It takes money to make money, and I don’t have any.
2.) I’m poor, always was, and always will be.
3.) I’m middle class, always was, and always will be.
4.) It takes too much time and effort to be rich.
5.) I’m just not smart enough to become rich.
6.) Money is bad.
7.) Rich people are low down, bad people.
8.) To become rich, you have to take on huge risks.
9.) People won’t like me if I am rich, or worse - they’d like me only for my money.
10.) It isn’t possible for me to become wealthy.
11.) My spouse or significant other doesn’t support me enough.
12.) I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve it.
This isn’t easy for me to talk about, so please bear with me if some of my thoughts seem scattered. I’m just going to blurt it out and hopefully it makes sense because if I think about it too much, I will never hit the publish button on this post. I can tell you where I spend my money, but when it comes to talking about personal issues I have…well, that’s another story.
#12 really hits home with me (”I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve it.”). For some reason, thoughout my life I have had the thought that I am not good enough and I don’t deserve things. It happens all the time when someone asks me if I do something. For example, someone asks me if I play bass guitar. I say, “Yes, but I’m not that good.” Someone asks about how my job is going. I say, “Good, but I’m still learning and catching up with things.”
When I landed my current job, I was so close to quitting that I am sure all of you would have commented and voiced your opinion. This happened when I first started blogging and I was still getting comfortable with blogging so I didn’t mention it. Like I said, this is a real personal issue with me. Anyways, the biggest thing making me want to quit was that I was making more money than I ever had and I didn’t think I deserved it. I could name many reasons why they should hire someone else. I didn’t have much experience…I didn’t have much education…etc, etc. When someone was passing out self-confidence, I think they skipped me.
I did stick with my job, and slowly I am gaining some confidence and starting to realize that maybe I do deserve that job. It has definitely been a slow process. And the confidence I lack is affecting our financial momentum. I know deep inside, I have a fire to possibly eliminate our debt quicker by making more money, but something is holding me back. It’s not the attitude, because I believe I’m pretty positive. I know it has to do with my confidence and believing that I deserve it.
That’s something that I need to work on.
This confession is an odd one, because it is also a revelation. I am undoubtedly a clothing pack rat!
What I found in my closet while cleaning over the holiday was amazing. I found old clothes from years ago that were stained and torn and for some reason I was holding onto them. We are not talking about a few things. We’re talking about two big garbage bags full of clothes that would not even be accepted by Goodwill.
For example, eleven years ago my brother came to visit me and he bought me a shirt. I wore that shirt as much as I could so it has definitely has seen its day and there is no way I would wear it out of the house. But I still kept it.
Then there are the holy holey (Edited: Thanks mapgirl for the correction :)) pants. They have those holes in places where it’s difficult to fix by sewing and you can’t wear them in public. I had a stash of those tucked away.
Perhaps at one time I thought that I could make something new out of the old so I kept them. But I know most of those clothes have been there for years. It’s time to let go.
My garbage man is going to love me this week!
I am so far behind with so many things right now. I give up. There is no possible way I can catch up and keep my sanity.
Probably the biggest problem is my financial files for the year. They are in shambles. I normally keep ALL of my receipts and file them nicely in little divided organizers. It’s in my nature to want to do this. Well, I confessed a while ago that this year has went down the drain in terms of keeping things organized. My solution…throw all of the older receipts away except for the ones I may need to return items. So far tonight I have divided the receipts up into a keep and a toss/shred pile.
As for the other files that I am going to keep, I am just going to mark a box with “2006″ and toss everything in there. If I happen to have a rainy day I can go through it. I’m not going to try to beat myself up trying to make it happen now.
I’m not sure how to proceed with my financial files for 2007. I am thinking about possibly going electronic. I have a decent scanner and my computer can print to .pdf so that is an option.
Wow. Just writing what I am about to do made me feel better. Now I better put my plan into action
Oh, I did find the receipts I needed so I can get November’s income and expense report done. I’ll post it tomorrow 
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