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I’m still feeling pretty darn sick, but this giveaway is helping to put a smile on my face. I have five Quicken Premier 2008 copies (Windows version) that Intuit gave me to give away. These will be delievered via a secure download link so there’s no waiting for the post office to deliver them.
Some of you may know that I have another blog out there where I give tips on how to use Quicken. I haven’t updated the blog in a while because it’s going through a little change once I get around to doing it. I love the program and enjoy using it. I also received a copy and I plan on using it to post more tutorials on how to use Quicken. Yay!
Can you tell that I’m excited?
To be considered, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post sharing a joke. It can be a corny joke or a pretty cool one. Only thing I ask is that you keep it clean. Some say laughter is the best medicine and we all could probably use a few laughs.
The deadline to enter is 11:00pm EST on Friday, September 21, 2007. I will use random.org to select five random commenters. I will announce the names here no later than Sunday, September 23, 2007 as well as email the commenters. At that time the commenters will need to email me back to confirm their addresses and I will reply to those emails with the secure download link to download the program. If I do not hear back from the commenters selected by midnight on Tuesday, September 25, 2007, I will randomly select another commenter(s). Your chances of having your comment selected will depend on the number of comments received and only one comment per person please.
Ok, let’s share some jokes and have a good time here 
EDIT: THIS IS OVER.
Posted: September 17th, 2007 at 11:48 pm
What is the most slippery country in the world?
Greece!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:01 am
Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something into lawyer number two’s hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?”
To which lawyer number one replies, “It’s that $250 I owe you.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:15 am
What do you call a blind deer?
No eye deer!
What do you call a paralyzed blind deer?
Still no eye deer!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:27 am
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:32 am
A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.
She went up to the salesman and said, “I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.
The salesman mentioned, “Computers don’t need curtains.”
The blonde said, “Hellooo…… I have windows!”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 2:01 am
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Blow a little boogie into it!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 6:30 am
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 6:41 am
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way, pal. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
“You’re right, ” the guy says, “I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before will you give me a drink?”
“You have a deal my friend,” says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gerswhin.
“You’re right I haven’t heard anyting like that before,” says the bartender. “The hamster is really gifted.”
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?” asks the bartender.
“Watch this,” replies the guy.
Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. “It’s a deal,” says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
“Are you nuts?” asks the bartender. “You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is a ventriloquist.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 7:56 am
At a country-club party a young stockbroker was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.
The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
“Look,” she said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”
“You’re wrong,” the young stockbroker declared. “For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the brokerage firm where your father has his account.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 8:06 am
My kids’ favorite:
What nationality are you when you go to the bathroom?
European!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 8:06 am
Definition of Programmer
Programmer:
A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after
innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with
micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive
documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious
reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding
a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information
in the first place.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 8:14 am
My son made this one up:
What kind of car does a sock drive?
A shoe-baru!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 8:24 am
the only knock knock joke that makes me laugh (and every single time, too!) Courtesy of my niece:
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow
InterrupMOOOOOOO
Don’t know if it works written down, but it’s funny if you tell it. Especially with the delay while people figure it out!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 8:28 am
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 8:30 am
Two old-timers who love baseball make a pact that when one dies he will return and tell the other if there is baseball in heaven.
So, time goes by and one of them dies. He returns to visit his friend to answer the long-awaited question.
The friend says, “what’s the good news?”
“Well, there is in fact baseball in heaven!”
Excitedly, the friend who remains alive and well says, “well, what’s the bad news then?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow…”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 8:49 am
Q. Why did the baker’s hands smell?
A. Because he kneaded a poo.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:02 am
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:23 am
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:23 am
WHY TEXANS CAN’T BE PARAMEDICS
A couple of Texans are out in the woods hunting when
one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to
the ground.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled
back in his head.
The other Texan whips out his cell phone and calls
911. He gasps to the operator, “I think Bubba is
dead! What should I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just
take it easy and follow my instructions. First,
let’s make sure he’s ‘dead’ … ”
There is a silence……… then a shot is heard.
The Texan comes back on the line, “Okay, now what?”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:24 am
Which state has four eyes? Mississippi
Which state drinks little cans of pop? Minnesota
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:30 am
I thought this would be a good one for the PF bloggers:
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied,
“Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”
*this is from Comedy Central’s joke of the day, but still one that I’d heard before.*
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:59 am
Q: What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 10:02 am
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 10:10 am
A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Knock!knock!
Who’s There?
Boo
Boo Who?
You don’t have to cry about it!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 10:11 am
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. “That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!” “You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Two old professors were debating whether sex was fun or work. They finally called in a graduate student who was nearby and asked him, “Is sex fun or work?”
“Fun”, the grad student confidently.
“And how do you arrive at that so quickly?” asked his mentor.
Student replies,”If it was work, you’d have me doing it.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 10:53 am
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead they all were running from a cop They ran through a field and found a farm . They went into the barn and found 3 barrels, one was full of dogs one was full of cats and one was full of potatoes and they got in them. The cop came up to the first barrel and hit it and the brunette went ruff ruff, then he went up to the second barrel and hit it and the red head went meow meow, then he went up to the third barrel and hit it and the blond said potato potato.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:01 am
* What do massage therapists eat for dinner?
* Spa-ghetti.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Question: What has four eyes and can’t see?
Answer: Mississippi
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:30 am
I found this over at jokepier.com - pretty funny!
“I have to have a raise,” the man said to his boss. “There are three other companies after me.”
“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”
“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Q. What’s green and goes “click click?”
A. A ballpoint pickle
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Why was the fruit sellers dog so sad?
Because it was a melon-collie.
(OK, lame.)
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:40 am
What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Na-cho cheese.
**Might not really work in written down form. It’s all in how you say Nacho.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:43 am
“What the formula for the area of a circle?”
“Pi-r-Squared…”
“But pi r not squared, pi r round…cornbread r squared.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:54 am
Two atoms are standing around having a conversation. All of a sudden, one of the atoms gets a concerned look on his face, and starts checking all his pockets.
The second atom says “What’s wrong?”
The first atom says “I’ve lost my electrons!!”
The second atom says “Are you sure? How do you know?”
The first atom shouts “I’m positive!”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:55 am
A man bursts into his house and yells, “Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!”
She says, “Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?”
He replies, “I don’t care … Just get the hell out!”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:58 am
What kind of star is dangerous??
A shooting star!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
I was once told that one should always have a good, clean joke at the ready for little kids, so here’s my favorite:
Where can you go to weigh a whale?
The whale-weigh station!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. “Listen honey,” she said, “For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want.”
The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, “Paint my house.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Two guys walked into a bar. You’d think the second one would have ducked.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
A receptionist called the pastor. “Pastor Dave, Farmer Brown is here to see you.”
The pastor comes out of his office and shakes the farmer’s hand.
The farmer said, “Pastor, I have had a good year and have come to give you my tithe and offering for the year.” With that the farmer hands over the rope holding an enormous pig.
The Pastor took the rope and looked at the enormous pig. “My goodness Farmer, what a porker.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.
“Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, sir.”
“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?”
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn’t have any money either.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
A man bought a parrot and excitedly took it home. He had been told that the parrot was quite a talker, and was eager to have his wife hear him. To his surprise, however, the parrot had only the filthiest, most foul things to say. The man kept trying to hush the parrot, growing more and more frustrated as the parrot refused to do anything but swear a blue streak. Finally in exasperation her shoved the parrot into the freezer. After a few moments the parrot was silent. A short while later the parrot said politely “I apologize for my earlier lapse and promise to hereafter speak in only the most delicate terms.” Relived, the man opened the freezer and let the parrot out. “Thank you,” the parrot said. He paused for a moment then said, “May ask what the chicken did?”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
A blonde was working on a puzzle and was getting extremely frustrated at getting all the pieces together. She called her boyfriend for some help even though it was late.
Blonde: “Honey, I need some help.”
Boyfriend: “It’s late baby, what do you need?”
Blonde: “I can’t figure out this jigsaw puzzle…the piece just don’t seem to fit together.”
Boyfriend: “Baby, sorry about that, but can it wait until tomorrow?”
Blonde: “No, I really need your help.”
Boyfriend: “Well, what is this jigsaw puzzle about anyway?”
Blonde: “It’s a picture of a tiger and there are a ton of pieces but I just can get it figured out.”
Boyfriend: “I’ll stop by tomorrow hon.”
Blonde: “Please just come over; I really need your help.”
At this point she is almost in tears and so the boyfriend reluctantly agrees to come over and help her with the puzzle.
When he arrives at her house, the blonde is almost in hysterics at not being able to do the puzzle and drags her boyfriend to the table where she is working on the puzzle.
Calmly the boyfriend tells the blonde, “Babe, let’s put the cornflakes back in the box and have a cup of tea.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Wife: Okay, today’s Friday. Where’s your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, “Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?”
“Well,” said the farmer, “that there pig is very special. One time when my wife was cooking something, she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. The pig was the only one to notice the fire, herded my wife and kids out of the house, and saved their lives.”
“Wow, that is a special pig!” said the man.
“Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming when we didn’t. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren’t for that pig, we would all be dead.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a smart pig!” said the man.
“And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree, but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where my son was.”
“Well, that is miracle!” said the man, “but why does the pig only have 3 legs?”
“Well,” said the farmer, “with a pig that special…you hate to eat him all at once.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
I can’t think of any good ones so we’ll go with an old one..
What gets wet the more it dries?
A towel…
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
A former president’s daughter was visiting the troops in Afghanistan and asked a group of soldiers what scares them the most while they are over there. One soldier hollers out, “Osama, Obama and your mama.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
My dad used to tell this one because it pretty much explains why he didn’t speak until he could use full sentences:
A farming couple has a 15-year-old son. The boy hasn’t spoken since he was about a year old, so they figure he’s either become mute or has some kind of undiagnosed syndrome that keeps him from communicating verbally.
One chilly night they’re all sitting around at dinner, and the son turns to his mom and says, “The soup is cold.”
His parents’ jaws drop. His mother clutches her napkin to her chest.
“Son, you can speak?” the father asks incredulously.
“Of course I can speak,” the son replies.
“But why haven’t you spoken for all these years?” his mother asks.
“Well, everything’s been fine until now.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all round the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring on a cartoon channel and the Family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
An older lady had a parrot for a pet. Unfortunately, this parrot had a bit of a foul mouth, and used it at the most inopportune times. One day she was sitting at the bus stop with him in his cage and saw her preacher walking toward her with a welcoming, how-do-you-do smile. She quickly threw the cover over her parrots cage to avoid incident.
She then heard, “%@&!$(, that was a short day!)
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
“Honey,” she said. “You received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “barkeep, give me a pitcher of beer…and a mop!”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
“What’s wrong w/me,doc?” asks the patient. “My balls have turned blue!” The doctor examines him and says his testicles have to be removed–or else he’ll die. “I can’t let you do that!” the patient cries. “Do you want to die?” the doctor asks. So the patient glumly consents to have his sack snipped off.
Two weeks later the patient comes back. “Doc, now my penis has turned blue!” The doctor examines him and reaches the same sad conclusion: His penis must go.
The mand begins to cry. “How will I pee?” “We’ll install a plastic pipe,” says the doctor. “You don’t want to die, do you?”
Racked with grief, the man consents. Two weeks later he’s back again. “Doc! the pipe turned blue!What the hell is happening to me?
“Well, I’m not really sure,” admits the doctor. “Wait…Do you wear jeans?”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Why was Tigger swimming in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a lip balm.
The pharmacist tells the duck that the lip balm is available in strawberry or plain flavor, and asks the duck which he would prefer.
After some thought, the duck says he’ll take the strawberry.
Certainly sir, says the pharmacist, and bags it for him. Now how would you like to pay - cash or credit?
Neither says the duck. Put it on my bill!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Great Site!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Knock Knock!
Who’s There?
Jamaica.
Jamaica who?
Jamaica me wait for Quicken 2008.
I know its lame but I really, really want Quicken 2008 and could not think of another joke.
Thanks
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in the country.
After spending the night, the man ate the breakfast his grandfather prepared for him the next morning - bacon and eggs. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather…are these plates clean? His grandfather replied…those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again…are you sure these plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said…I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore I’m getting tired of all this questioning!
Later that afternoon, he decided to go into a nearby town to get some decent food to eat. As he was leaving, Grandfather’s dog lay across the doorway to the outside and it started to growl and would not let him pass. The man said, Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
What’s the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dead skunk
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Two muffins are baking in the oven.
The first muffin says, “Wow, it’s hot in here!
The second replies, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve ropes in here”. The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and musses up his end. He goes back in and orders another drink. The bartenders says, “Aren’t you that same rope that was in here a minute ago?” The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Did you know it costs our government 3 cents to produce a penny? I’m just giving my two cents.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men “Why are you eating the grass?” “We don’t have money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.
The man answered “But sir, I have a wife and two children!
“Bring them along” replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, “Come with us.”
“But sir, I have a wife and six children?” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!” replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
A grasshopper walks in a bar.
The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper says “Wow, you have a drink named ‘Bob’?”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
He didn’t want to fall in the hot cocoa!
***********************************************
What do you get when an elephant sky dives?
A big hole?
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Why was the blonde sitting on the roof?
Because she was told…..
The drinks are on the house!
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Someone stole my joke! Wait let me find another…
A man rushed into the veterinarian’s office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog’s still, limp body and sadly informed the man that his dog was dead.
Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog.
The doctor went into another room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.
The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meow”, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.
The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, “I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do.”
Resigned, the man signed and said, “Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?”
“Three-hundred fifty dollars,” the doctor replied.
“Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!” the man stammered.
“Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for
trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge
called in duck number one and said, “What where you doing in the pond after
midnight?”
“I was blowing bubbles.” The judge then called in duck number two
and asked him the same question. “Judge, I was blowing bubbles.”
He then called in duck number three and said, “So let me quests — you were
blowing bubbles too?”
“No, I’m Bubbles.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
2 guys walk into a bar…
…the third guy ducks
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
It was so cold out the other day that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
A horse walks into a bar….. ouch.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Proton, neutron, and electron walk into a bar.
Neutron orders a beer, proton says, “I’m fine”, while the electron nudges the proton and says, “Good call, beer’s probably flat anyway”.
The bartender overhears the exchange and says to the electron, “Hey, you stop being so negative”, slides the beer to the neutron, says, “For you, no charge” then turns to the proton and says, “You sure I can’t get you anything?” The proton replies….”I’m positive.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Why are dogs such bad dancers?
– They have two left feet.
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it.
“I’m taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God.” the little girl replied. “He’ll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual.”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
A termite walks into a bar and asks “Where’s the bar tender?”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
One evening while looking through our family album my,
3 year old says “Mama you got big tummy,on this picture”
I replied “Oh!! Your baby sister was in mama’s tummy then”
Shocked she exclaimed “You ate baby sister!”
Posted: September 18th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 12:32 am
Q: How do you stop a dog from chasing people riding a bike?
A: You take away his bike!!
Har! Har!
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 2:49 am
Things I learned from my Mother
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident..”
6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.”
9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times … don’t exaggerate!”
10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 7:49 am
This one has cracked me up since I was a kid–
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons…
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Q. What do you call prositutes who help one another ina time of need?
A. Support ho’s
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 9:17 am
How do you get a UGA graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 9:51 am
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline!
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Does anybody know where Moscow is?
..in the barn next to Pa’s cow of course!
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 10:16 am
What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino (el-if-i-no)
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Speaking of quicken, have you seen Mint?
Also, although not a joke, today is international talk like a pirate day. Ar!
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 10:49 am
This is a joke that I loved as a little kid.
Q: Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
A: The baa-baa shop.
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 11:29 am
A little polar bear and his father are talking:
Son: Dad, am I a polar bear?
Dad: Yes, you are.
Son: Am I maybe a panda?
Dad: No, Son, you’re a polar bear.
Son: Are you sure I don’t have a little koala in me maybe?
Dad: No, Son! I’m a polar bear, your mum’s a polar bear. You’re definitely a polar bear! Why do you ask?
Son: Because I’m bloody freezing!
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Why was the math book so sad?
He had to many problems
Why did the teacher have to wear sunglasses in class?
The students were so bright
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
I am sure all of the husbands know the meaning of wife, but do you really know the meaninng of wife????
W - Worries
I - Invited
F - For
E - Ever
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Back in the 1600s, the Pope at the time decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a theological debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If their champion won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave immediately.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin, and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that theirs would be a silent debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe stood opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised just a single finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe shook his head and pointed down to the ground.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up just one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around to show him that God was all around us, in the heavens. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us on this earth. Finally, I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe.
“What happened?” they asked.
“Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours!’. Then he waves his hand around to tell me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews… we stay right here!”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
Hehe…
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell
breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the
customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -
“You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in
ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique (yoo-neek) up on it!
How do you catch tame rabbit?
Tame way! Unique up on it!
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Here is a joke that my little sister loved to tell as a child:
Q: Why do they put fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are just dying to get in!
(It helps to put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘dying’.)
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“Thats wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
While my friend was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, “I know Daddy’s password! I know Daddy’s password!”
“What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, “Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
I have two jokes:
1) Why was the 6 afraid of the 7? Because 7 8 9! Get it? seven “ate” nine.
2) What did the 0 say to the 8? “Nice belt!”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so.
“Obviously not,” says the other. “If there were, someone would have picked it up!”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
[...] a Mac use iBank. Blogging Away Bebt is giving away a copy of Quicken 2008 for Windows. {via: Blogging Away [...]
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 11:21 pm
A circus takes its show over to Africa. The roads weren’t well-marked and the performers stumbled across a huge village with cannibals.
They were soundly outnumbered and everyone in the circus perished.
Two of the cannibals had one of the clowns for dinner. One of them takes a bite, looks at the other, and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Posted: September 19th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
A man walked into a bar. And said ‘ouch’.
Hahaha that is the best joke ever. Ok, I couldn’t think of a different one.
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 3:31 am
Whats brown and sticky ?
A stick.
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 10:57 am
A little boy and his mother were walking through an Ohio cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: “Here lies an OSU graduate and a good man.” The little boy asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?”
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 11:03 am
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 11:45 am
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he Passes a little math test.
“Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. ”Without using numbers, Represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Italian says, “Datsa easy.” And he proceeds to Draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. ”Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ”Ere a you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to Represent 99?”
“Each of da trees is a dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you
go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
(You’re going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each Tree and says, “A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now
you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty Tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I’m a gonna start?”
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
An oldie but goodie:
Knock, knock
Who’s there
Cargo
Cargo who?
No, silly car go beep beep!
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Bacause when they came to America they had
‘To NY’ stamped on their foreheads.
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
What do you call a cow that has a twitch? Beef Jerky
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Customer: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
This is my 5 year old daughter’s fave…
What did baby corn ask mama corn?
Where’s Pop Corn!!??
Replace corn with tart, sicle, goes the weasel, culture, etc for different variations. The kids crack up every time!
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
[...] Jeff: This is my 5 year old daughter’s fave… What did baby corn… [...]
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 11:05 pm
With apologies to all men
I just sent this to my sister in law in Iraq:
Okay - here is the dumb joke (it’s not dirty). . .
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm.
The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck
by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front
of
the plane. ‘I’m too young to die,’ she wails. Then she yells, ‘Well, if
I’m
going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall,
well
built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up
the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. -one button at a time.
…….No one moves.
…….He removes his shirt.
…….Muscles ripple across his strong chest.
……She gasps…
……and He says…….. ………
‘Iron this, and get me something to eat….
Posted: September 20th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
You really have to know how life is here at my home to really appreciate the off humor like I did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something.
The boy continues. “Johnny!” Mom screams. “Knock it off. You’re going to break something.” He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge to go to the bathroom. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in
time and splash, out it comes.
When she’s finished she looks down and can’t believe what she’s Seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees. And he takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
walls, etc. “Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asked.
He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually SEEN a fart!”