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Happy Thanksgiving!

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I have no idea who wrote this, but it sure made me chuckle. I think it’s been floating around emails for the while, but I just received it today for the first time. I hope you enjoy, and have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

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Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes.
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match, and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline.

Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.

I stress “private”, meaning Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults…For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either. I am thankful, very thankful.

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Timing is Going to be Important

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My home repair for sure will be done next week and that will cost $900. I will have the money to cover that. Now, when our health insurance is accepted we will have to pay two months in advance (~$700) and I don’t know if we will have the money for it in our checking account.

It’s going to boil down to timing on the health insurance.

If the insurance bill is after the 11th of December, we’re okay. If it’s before, well, we’re up a creek without a paddle. Normally this wouldn’t be so bad because I could send the check a little “late” to buy some more time. But I signed up for auto pay! I love the convenience, but here’s one of the problems with doing it. Part of me hopes that the auto pay will not go into effect for a while and I have to pay with a check. Then I could have some extra time, if needed.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to call Blue Cross/Blue Shield to find out more about the auto pay today. I might try Friday, and hopefully they are open.

I’m trying not to think about this too much because I don’t want to stress out about it. Right now, I just want to really think about the things that I am thankful for. When you think about the world and the big picture, this little situation is just a drop in the bucket.

We have each other, our families, our friends, our health, food to eat and a roof over our heads. We have much to be thankful for.