by Hope
If the kitchen collects plastic containers, the laundry room and garage breed plastic bags, boxes, cords, and “mystery hardware.” These spaces are trip-hazard central for both my dad and me.
I’ve kind of stepped back from the garage as that is really his domain. And it gives me somewhere to pile stuff that I can’t get rid of…yet…but we don’t need in the house.
Logical
Thankfully both my dad and I lean toward practical and logical. Since I’m running the house for the most part, he’s let me take lead and rearrange things (cleaning and purging as I go.)
And I’ve just started piling “must keep but don’t really use” items on his workbench in the garage. A truly out of sight, out of mind function for right now.
I have learned that not only do I need to tell him, show him, and remind him of where I put things. But also expect to be woken up in the night when he’s searching for something. He feels bad about waking me up, but I would prefer he did that than get frustrated trying to find whatever. This week, it was the electric knife at midnight when he decided to cut up a watermelon and store it in his yogurt containers.
He used to keep the electric knife in the cabinet where his hoard of yogurt containers now lives. So he found the containers, by accident, but couldn’t remember where the electric knives were. They had been moved to the hutch which I had moved from the living room to the dining room. He remembered me telling him where I had put them, but not actually where I had put them.
Money Impact
Fewer duplicate runs to the hardware store “because I couldn’t find it.”
Lower injury risk (and medical costs) from trips and falls.
No more utility-room pest parties from clutter, piles of cardboard, and old detergent gunk.
Not to mention in clearing out the laundry room and rearranging some furniture, I was able to really clear off the countertops to make them easy to clean and more useable.
The Prep Shelves
Dad has LOTS of prepper stuff – from generators, to propane heaters, to gas containers and so much more. What we kept in the house has been organized by item.
Flashlight + batteries (dated), small radio, basic first-aid kit, duct tape, multi-tool.
- Lightbulbs.
- Enough sanitizing stuff for the next decade or more which I understand considering COVID and my mom’s health.
Winter stuff – blankets, jackets, gloves, etc. Reminder: we are in Texas, but it did freeze real bad a year or two ago.
I am still working through room by room, drawer by drawer, closet by closet. But with every load out, I think we both breathe a little easier. And I believe he’s really coming to appreciate the improvements especially the cleaning that goes along with it
What’s the most ridiculous “mystery hardware” you’ve kept? Did you ever find what it belonged to?
Hope is a resourceful and solutions-driven business manager who has spent nearly two decades helping clients streamline their operations and grow their businesses through project management, digital marketing, and tech expertise. Recently transitioning from her role as a single mom of five foster/adoptive children to an empty nester, Hope is navigating the emotional and practical challenges of redefining her life while maintaining her determination to regain financial control and eliminate debt.
Living in a cozy small town in northeast Georgia with her three dogs, Hope cherishes the serenity of the mountains over the bustle of the beach. Though her kids are now finding their footing in the world—pursuing education, careers, and independence—she remains deeply committed to supporting them in this next chapter, even as she faces the bittersweet tug of letting go.
Since joining the Blogging Away Debt community in 2015, Hope has candidly shared her journey of financial ups and downs. Now, with a renewed focus and a clear path ahead, she’s ready to tackle her finances with the same passion and perseverance that she’s brought to her life and career. Through her writing, she continues to inspire others to confront their own financial challenges and strive for a brighter future.
It REALLY sounds like your Dad is struggling and would benefit from additional, professional support! Did he consent to all these details of his behavior and habits being out in public like this?
When you talk about the money impacts and debt detox here, who are you talking about? Your money/debt or your Dad’s? What’s going on here: are you and Dad doing some sort of shared household?
When she is not traveling / helping her kids she is supposed to living with her dad and mom to provide respite care for her Dad and siblings. So kind of a shared household but not really? :/
He has definitely been struggling. And didn’t want to keep “asking” for things. My living here and contributing to the workload of maintaining a home and my mom’s care has started to lighten his load. I think this would be very common in this type of situation.
This isn’t a judgment of my dad at all. This is highlighting the overwhelm that aging parents can go through. And how we have started to take the load off my dad as much as we can.
I’m asking if there is a shared finance component. Both posts about the hoarding behavior talk about increased costs from the hoarding, but Hope doesn’t specify who is incurring which costs.
I’m also concerned that Hope is effectively working as a caretaker, arguably in exchange for rent, but it’s not clear she is reliably earning enough to cover all her remaining money expenses. And now we learn she is also working as organizer and hoarding support. This is all well-intentioned, of course, but one person only has so much time and energy in a day. So, I guess I’m really asking is what is the formal accounting of this arrangement and how is it planned so it still serves Hope’s need to glide path from today to her old age.
Lastly, I notice Hope assures us she isn’t judging but could not tell us her Dad consented to the posts. I think it is only right to get consent to share such details in any case, not just in an allegedly positive light.
Oh I don’t blame you for wanting clarity, but alas I don’t think you will get it. I never interpreted that her caregiving was to be paid- the payment for her is not paying for rent etc while she helps. She said over the summer she was surprised at how much she was needed but in making the move she said it was to help out with care of her mom etc, not sure how she could be surprised at how much she is needed with her parents at a certain age etc.
I never interpreted caregiving as paid either, not sure why you ascribe that to me. Whether Hope is formally paid or not, she is reporting she does the work and it has value. I am discussing caregiving as work not because I assume the plan is necessarily to pay her, but to get all of us thinking about how this is effectively a job she has taken on and how it affects the other parts of her life.
I don’t think you understand the purpose of my questioning as I’ve responded to you like this in the past similarly. I’m using questions to, more likely, draw out the accountability pieces that are not being named and not being handled, and less likely, to prompt Hope to think about what she hasn’t thought about.
She’s talking about being needed because it’s easy (talk is cheap), it fulfills a need for herself, and because she seems to believe a virtuous reason for something makes her less accountable to serve that in a responsible way.
I misinterpreted your comment. She is not going to be telling us anything or holding herself accountable, no matter how thoughtful anyone’s questions or comments are. You can’t draw that out of her, even if she does answer a question, she is pretty defensive.
JJ, I guess I still was not clear enough. I do not need or appreciate your continual chiding my participation with “you won’t draw it out of her” and constantly trying to answer my questions for her/the community. The questions are meant for the wider audience to ponder and discuss, and aren’t necessarily in need of conclusion by you.
Sorry, have a wonderful life!
To be fair, I think “I was surprised by how much I am needed” might be a polite and circumspect way of saying she understood her mom needed care but didn’t realize her father did too — ie. her father has been overwhelmed for a long time and she didn’t realize how far underwater this situation was.
She may have been aware of some of the visible needs and difficulties (supportive care for mom, piles of unfiled papers, general hoarding) but perhaps unaware of the buried difficulties (years of unfiled taxes, possibly unpaid bills, kitchen hadn’t been cleaned in years, pushback from dad when attempting to throw out expired food or misc stuff).
These are all legitimate challenges, and would take anyone time to adjust to, but on the flip side Hope needs to decide if she is willing to make the concurrent effort to be present on this debt reduction blog, respond to comments, and make earnest attempts to actually discuss her debt, financial decision making, etc or continue to deflect or avoid the hard questions.
I interpreted her saying she didn’t know how much she would be needed – as that she just figured it would be fairly easy/simple to drop in and cover her dad/siblings when needed but I can go with your interpretation! She may be more aware of the challenges with her dad, but tbh she isn’t equipped to handle them – she cannot even say it’s hoarding. I don’t mind the non finance posts, the blog has nothing else going on otherwise and I enjoy the comments, lol.
One feature Hope’s communication pattern is there are usually two layers: what she reports is happening and her personal narrative, shaped by her choice of phrasing and which facts she emphasizes.
I believe Hope uses the specific line “I didn’t know how much I would be needed” repeatedly because it reflects on her positively, and it gets us thinking about how her parents needing her so much will trade off her progress on her other goals.
This primes us to “take our eyes off the ball” of what BAD is about, to accept her not improving her own finances like she said she would (and honestly kind of has to). Which brings me back to my point about caregiving being a job.
Hope I am urging you to get help for your dad. This is 100% hoarding and it’s incredibly sad how you have brushed this aside.
I would say this is 100% overwhelm for a man who spent the 50+ years married and in a very traditional relationship where my mom cooked and took care of the house while he went out and worked. Now that he has become responsible for EVERYTHING, including my mom’s full time care, it’s just too much especially being so far out of his depth.
We are righting the ship now. And he is feeling better that he doesn’t have to ask for help or feel like a burden. It’s just one of the many things that caring for aging parents can look like. That’s why I share. I know there are others out there who have found themselves in similar situations.
And it has taken time for my dad to relax and not feel like he’s a burden on all of us.
Have you considered a garage sale or selling things on marketplace? If your dad has excessive multiples of tools and electric knives (!) and they are in okay shape, maybe some things can be sold.
His garage is still an off limits place. What’s funny is that when they moved here over a decade ago, he divided most all his tools and gadgets up and gave them to two of my brothers who both do alot of handyman work. He’s since replaced almost all of it as he has piddled with projects.
Every once in a while he sets his eyes on a project and will spend a few hours out there. But Texas is overwhelmingly hot so it is pretty limited. Maybe once it cools off a bit, he will fill more comfortable resuming some project work especially now that I’m in here and available to listen out for mom should she need something. (She can’t speak or move, but we always respond to coughing or choking, any unusual noises etc.)
All I can say is it is difficult to deal with parents as they get older in general, your dad may take kindly to your help or he may not. I would still keep purging if you’re going to do it, and if all of your siblings are on board that’s helpful.
He has been very grateful. Especially with the freedom to get out of the house more, not have to “ask” for help, and to have meals prepared for him. It has been so much better than I anticipated it would be.
The fear of returning “home” was a reality that I dove deep into with my therapist prior to this move. But I think being “needed” has helped alot for me. It’s a role I’m comfortable with, and I love being able to contribute in a meaningful way.
I’m confused. This is supposed to be about your journey out of debt. Is your Dad in debt as well? If he is, did he consent to his personal business being made public like this?
This feels a bit exploitative and more like you scrounging for content in the absence of any updates on your financial situation.
He is definitely not in debt. But you are right, I was struggling to find things to write about. This is what my life is like right now. And I felt like others facing aging parents where one becomes completely incapacitated might relate to this.
I feel these posts about your dad are wholly inappropriate for this blog. This is about you getting out of debt. Not your fathers struggles/life. It just gives ‘the ick’ as they say. These posts come off as a way for you to feel better about your circumstances. Almost savior-complex. I’m sure that’s not the intent, I think it would be best to get back to your debt/budgeting vs dads struggles. These posts are a hard stretch to being debt/budget related. I agree with above commenters, get a professional involved for your dad.
I’m sorry you feel it is “ick”. My thoughts were that many who are facing aging parents and the struggles when one is incapacitate may be facing similar struggles. And I wanted to share what that life is like now.
There is no judgement on my part. Maybe yours? My dad has carried the burden as he has aged the last 9 years since my mom’s diagnosis of not only caring for my mom, now requiring everything be done for her, the house, etc. That has not been easy, especially for a man/couple who were very traditional in their roles. Full respect to that. Housework, cooking…not something my dad ever did.
That I am here now and helping to right the ship again as my mother would have if she was capable. I don’t feel like being overwhelmed is a sickness or something to be ashamed of. It’s just a fact right now. And I’m so grateful I can be here and help where I can.
It’s not that you’re sharing that your Dad is struggling as a caretaker who is aging himself, it is the types of detail you have chosen to share (apparently without giving him approval rights) and the manner in which you have chosen to share.
You repeatedly, even in these responses where you are ostensibly arguing you are not doing these things, couple your sharing of Dad’s struggles with self-aggrandizing rhetoric where you are positioned as a savior: “righting the ship,” “I’m in a position to actually do something about it” for examples.
You are not coming across as merely sharing a relatable struggle. Every point you make comes with this editorialization where you are the one who is fixing everything and knows better.
And to some extent, this is true, and it is good to want to help and get involved. But it is still HIS struggle you are writing about, and he should have some editorial rights to his own story. Taking care about how you write about someone else’s struggle is not the same as saying it is shameful to share a situation.
Finally, I believe here it all comes off particularly weirdly. It really seems that the main reason you are at your parents’ house is because due your financial mismanagement, you didn’t have anywhere else to go. This contributes to the impression that these recent posts are an attempt to editorialize something.
As always, you’ve missed my point. As someone currently caring for an aging parent in my own home, I understand the struggles. My concern (or judgement if you’d rather), is that you’re blasting your father’s business on a blog I highly doubt he consented to. If you’re “struggling to find things to write about” – why are you still here?