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On second thought

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I have been doing ALOT of self reflection these past couple of weeks. Like ALOT! Even more time in my head than ever before. And typically this would be dangerous ground for me especially in this season of loss.

Don’t get me wrong, I have spiraled down into uncontrollable sobbing on multiple occasions. And have been very tempted a couple of times to make some really terrible decisions. A couple of things have helped…

  1. I legit sprained my ankle a week back, right after my uncle’s funeral. So even if I was tempted to get out of the house for whatever reason, I didn’t. It just hurt to bad to put on shoes, let alone walk or stand.
  2. My son is watching me like a hawk. Gymnast has been watching me closely for my reaction and mental health. I know he’s worried about me, even if he would never admit it. And I’ll be honest, I probably wouldn’t have eaten much this week if he hadn’t taken caretaker duties to some extent. While I hoped this would be a healthy positive relationship, an example for my kids, instead, it’s a lesson to us all.
  3. Focus. I have kept busy by working on our New York trip, working, and making travel plans for me alone.

Despite all this, it is so hard. My heart hurts. My self-worth and confidence is in tatters. And as much as I preach to myself…”this is a reflection on his character, not mine”, ugh, it just feels terrible. All my hopes and dreams and plans, just thrown out like the garbage.

The book I’m reading, thought, wow, just wow. Highly recommend if you are facing any sort of transition or trauma. It has spoken to me on so many levels, given me perspective that I never even considered. (I read Chapter 5 today, which is all about forgiveness and how it is so important. I am floored and humbled and know that this was the book I was meant to read at this stage in my life.)

At the same time

Meanwhile, there are other things going on that require my attention.

  • Gymnast has completed his high school requirements. He has a semblance of a plan. And I need to help guide him.
  • History Buff and his girlfriend of 5 years ended their relationship over Thanksgiving week, and he is floundering like I am especially with her very public reactions. (I will not tell their story, but he and I are grieving albeit very differently over the same loss of dreams and heartache.) And he needs to be surrounded with support right now too.

Tearing myself apart

In both cases, they have helped me recognize some failures in my own life. I have been too divided for far too long.

Do I rebuild my business or return to corporate?
Do I do both? And burn the candle at both ends?
Move to this tiny town where the financial benefits will be amazing for the family?
Don’t move to this tiny town due to racial profiling and tensions, but then deal with never ending financial pressures as an under-employed single mom of five kids?
Homeschool or public school?
Prioritize my debt payoff or follow my heart with regards to my finances?
Travel or pay off debt?
Find a new job, pay off debt, travel?

I have literally torn myself apart over the last dozen or so years trying to do it all, be it all. With no sounding board, other than this community. No looking glass to know what the future holds. And with regrets abounding on so many levels.

As a result of these divided priorities, I have a floundered with indecision and without a clear path for far too long. It’s time for that to be over. It’s time for me to stop waiting and return to making decisions.

My advice

This has made advising the boys very easy. And given me direction that I have long needed.

Determine: What is your #1 goal right now?

Then do everything and anything to pursue that goal. Don’t worry about what the world thinks. Don’t worry about who is watching. Don’t worry about who sees you. Just go after it with everything you have got until you achieve it.

This focus changes the story for me. It affects my budget, my day to day life, and my mental health. All in really good ways.

So back to the drawing board on my 2023 budget. But for the first time, in a really long time (at least a year since I began floundering in my work environment,) I feel energized and focused and a bit like myself again. I’ll update you on the boys’ focus at a later date. I see big things coming especially for History Buff who has struggled a lot over the past 6 years.

 

 


3 Comments

  • Reply Laura |

    You are floundering, and that is understandable with so much upheaval in such a short period of time. Take a deep breath, and take one thing at a time. I suggest focusing on the job search right now, and enjoying your last few months having Gymnast at home. Things will get better with time.

  • Reply Jen |

    As someone who’s been there:

    1) if you ankle hurt so bad you could not bear weight, see a doctor. When you sprain your ankle badly, you can cause permanent damage. There’s a chance you may need physical therapy.

    2) get therapy. Stat. While it’s completely understandable that you are having a hard time, Gymnast should not have to worry over you like that. Get help for both of your sakes.

  • Reply JP |

    Well as bad as things may seem, try to look back to the past. There was a time when you didn’t have a home. Not you are a homeowner, and your immediate family is doing well, and the rest can get better. Make sure to cancel that shared credit card with the ex! And as far as partners, it’s much better than you find out now versus after a wedding. Actually saved yourself a lot of grief.

So, what do you think ?