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The Cost of Loneliness

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My mother and father don’t have the best relationship. My father has always worked insane hours and they never spend time together. They’ve been married for 50 years and they’ve taken a vacation together twice. My father works 7 days a week. He is rarely home for dinner.

My parents’ relationship was one of the reasons I left my job four years ago. I was working insane hours and my husband said if I didn’t leave that job, he’d leave me. When I complained to my mom, she said, ‘I’ve lived a very lonely life. Don’t do that to your husband.’

My dad worked insane hours and my mom spent money.

A lot of money.

I’ve talked about it before but my parents don’t have a dime to their name. They have debt. A lot of it.

My dad sticks to his story, he doesn’t spend money. My mom bleeds it. For decades, I was frustrated with both of them but I really knew who the spender was, it was my mom. I haven’t understood why she made such a mess.

Ugh. Karma.

I’ve been on my own for over a month and I’m experiencing a level of unapparelled loneliness. I have cleaned and reorganized the kids rooms every week despite the fact that they’ve never been here. I’ve spent hundreds on clothing for my new job because that will make me happy right? Twice this week, Amazon delivered and I couldn’t remember what I had ordered.

I’m trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with stuff…but that won’t stop me from trying.

This week there was a very real recognition of what was happening (maybe it was the Amazon boxes?!?!). I have slammed on the brakes. No orders without talking to Chris. Do I need his permission? Heck no! But I need the accountability.

Loneliness is a rough place. If you are here, I’m here with you. I feel you. Buying stuff won’t fix where we are at. I’m reaching out to local religious groups because right now, I have no support in this new place. I’m finding support through weekly community. Will that work for you? Maybe. Maybe not. Find what fills that void.

Spending ain’t it.


2 Comments

  • Reply JP |

    It’s a tough time for sure, but you are doing what’s best for your family in the long run. You’ll get through this, and be reunited soon enough. Best of luck! A year from now, you will probably laugh at all these adventures.

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