by Hope
I met my boyfriend online almost 3 years ago. We met through a dating app a couple of months after I decided to dip my toe back in the dating pool after almost 13 years. Dating sure had changed a bit. And for an introvert, I did not like it.
But, frankly, as much as I disliked the online dating app world, I appreciated it even more. As an introvert, non-drinker, socially awkward person…meeting people in person, well, it doesn’t happen. I mean, I only met my best friends because of the kids activities. And now that the kids are older, I don’t even have access to that social circle anymore.
But I will tell you, God knew what He was doing and what I needed…
3 Years of Long Distance
Because of my disastrous marriage and the challenges of introducing someone into my kids lives (whether those challenges be real or perceived,) dating was not something I was ever tempted by. But after moving here to this tiny town, being even more isolated, and the kids being older, I made a conscious choice to begin dating again.
To be honest, I was not anticipating or looking for love. I hoped to find fun and companionship. And frankly, I wasn’t sure I would ever bring someone around my kids.
But here we are 3 years later, and I am definitely in love, feel very known and seen and I am anticipating a phone call this afternoon telling me if his move to Georgia is on. Meaning…he may be moving here this month. No more long distance! He’s packed and ready, but has some life things that must be dealt with (his business.)
We have spent 3 years with few in person visits, but daily phone calls, letter writing, video chats and more. Taking the physical out of the equation has really been good for me. Really, let me ease into this. And while he will tell you that he knew this was it for him after the first several months, I was ALOT slower. And being so “virtual” gave me the confidence to be very open and honest, well, about everything. Like, he knows EVERYTHING!
Two Different Places
His kids are grown and independent. His family lives all over the place. And while he’s dated consistently, he hasn’t settled down in a long time. He has one ex-wife. Stable, confident and moving into his next phase of life. Oh, and he’s debt free. (And he is super excited to get a chance to be part of my kids lives, as much as they will let him.)
While you all know, I’m pretty much the opposite. I’m really excited to see what’s next for us. And praying that he calls this afternoon with a “I’m moving to Georgia now!” (If it’s not now, it’s later…but I think we are both ready for now.)
For now, this won’t affect me financially. We are now and will remain completely autonomous financially. And we have no plans to change that as long as I am supporting my kids…so another 3-7 years probably. I’m sure as our relationship evolves that will change a bit, but I have been very clear that being autonomous is very important to me. I don’t ever want to be as dependent on someone else as I was with my ex-husband.
And whether my fears are rational or not, he supports that. I am definitely a handful, but he seems happy to just ease into things and honors my need to feel secure in and of myself.
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 5 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
“He didn’t really participate in raising his kids.”
Proceed with caution
Yes! I’m sure he has an explanation blaming his partner (and maybe it’s true) but it’s almost never only the ex-wife’s fault.
There was no fault mentioned. But that is their personal story not mine to share.
But believe me, all has been seriously vetted especially when I decided to move forward and someday introduce him to my children.
“He didn’t really participate in raising his kids”
…why not?
That is his story, but needless to say, the circumstances were beyond his control.
And will always be one of his biggest regrets.
If you say so, but keep in mind that you’ve only heard his side and will probably never hear the mother’s.
I’ve heard all the sides and been introduced to all the people. This decision was not taken lightly.
Your ex husband did not participate in raising his kids either. Be very, very careful that you are not attracted to these wrong qualities again. Until we fix the brokenness within, people just keep repeating the same mistakes.
How has he not decided yet? Doesn’t he need an apartment lined up? A job?
The delay is in his business.
I’m curious how this won’t impact you financially. Will he be moving into his own place or into your home? If he’s moving into your home, you should have more money to apply to debts by splitting the rent and utilities.
Have you considered what impacts or boundaries you will need with your business? Going from an hour video call a day to having someone (is he now retired?) around 24/7 while you work from home will be a real challenge!
I hope all goes smoothly.
We will remain completely independent financially as I am still raising minor children. And frankly, I can’t even imagine how joining finances would look like. I’m sure things will evolve with time, but for now, everything will be, for me, as it has been.
While he plans to take a month off to get accustomed to the area and integrate with our lives, he plans to go back to work doing something. He’s not quite sure what, but doesn’t plan to own a business again. So something to just keep him busy…
Is he moving near you, or in with you?
For now, he is just moving to Georgia…which will be far better than Florida.
Then we will ease into everything. The next hurdle is introducing the kids.
“For now, this won’t affect me financially.“ Combine this with ‘that isn’t my story to tell / it is personal to his family,’ why are you writing about this on a financial blog?
Good question. I guess my thought was that there are A LOT of single moms/dads around and a lot of them/us struggle financially. And we also juggle parenting our kids alone, dealing with all crisis alone and sometimes dating and maybe adding someone new into the mix alone. There is no rule book for all this, no safety net or support groups for when we screw up or get overwhelmed or just flat out don’t know the right way to do something. So sharing that side of my life and what decisions I have or am making as I enter a new phase might be helpful for someone else going or thinking of going through the same thing.
There are thousands upon thousands of parenting, dating, and relationship websites. You have another post on this same site from 2 years ago saying how this man will be moving to be with you “any day now.” I think you forget that this is a financial blog and not a place for your (And other’s!!) personal life stories. Your time would have been better suited in being consistent with your finances and writing about your September debt update.
You have a point. But it is also a “personal” finance blog…so there are alot of personal stories that go along with that. Without those personal stories, lots of financial decisions don’t make sense. I, for one, appreciate the back story, the personal insight. But to each their own.
(And my next debt update is written and scheduled to post.)
So what’s the update?
The meeting that should have completed the sale of his business has been pushed back to February…so more waiting.
Thanks for asking. It was disheartening.
Hope, you have a good heart, and I don’t want to see you hurt. From an outsiders perspective this looks very strange. Two years ago he was planning on selling his business and moving to Georgia “soon.” I hope he is sincere, but this raises some flags. Just food for thought. Take care
I can understand that. But as someone who has first hand experience with selling a business, this is not that uncommon.
His first sale fell through due to the buyer financing. And now that we are in the final stages, there are alot of government hoops to jump through since there are state and federal contracts involved. It is very much on the up and up and as disappointing as the delays are…well, he continues to remind me that God’s timing is not ours.
The bright side is that hopefully his next project will bring him closer to me so we can see each other more often. Right now he’s on a project that is over an 8 hour drive away so not really feasible for visits. But it’s coming to an end in the next week or so. We are hoping he gets one that is within a 5 hour drive, that has worked for us in the past.
This definitely seems concerning as an outside person. It has been dragging out for a few years now. At the very least, 8 hours seems very manageable for you to meet somewhere in the middle.