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The Bah Humbug Blues


I thought it funny when I logged into Facebook yesterday and had a memory pop-up from 9 years ago…

I chucked to myself seeing the status. Pretty dramatic, no? I remember the time well. Broke as a joke – living in a run-down apartment in a high-crime area of town. Hubs and I had just moved to Arizona from Florida and we’d left most of our early possessions behind. The only things we brought were those that could fit into my little Kia Spectra (our only car at the time), or be pulled behind it on a mini-trailer. That same year (2009), I remember having to pay rent on a credit card. I mean, we were BROKE. So even though I chuckle at the sad-sack nature of the post (I want to mock my former self  – “Oh, poooooor baby!”), I do remember the desperation of feeling like everything was just totally falling apart. Broken bed, broken TV, broken computers, broken car, broken phone. Basically everything I owned was broken or falling apart.

And yet, we made it through.

Better days were on the horizon and things improved across time.

Which brings me some peace and hope as I reflect on my current state of being. Where I, once again, feel like things are falling apart around me. Not in the same way – I have all the material things I need. TV, phone, computer, bed – all are in “working” order. But my life, in general, sometimes feels like its on the verge of falling apart.

I started back to therapy yesterday. It went well.

Then I got out and saw missed calls. While in therapy, hubs had been in a car wreck. His car is likely totaled.

He is okay. Our kids were not with him, so they are okay. His car is not.

Grimace. Groan.

We’re still in this together for the time being. Yes, we’re physically separated. But he’s still the father of my children and I still feel the need to work together for the benefit of them. We’ve been extricating our financial affairs from one another, but we’re still currently on the same insurance plan. I don’t know how this issue is going to impact the immediate future. Hubs was able to get a rental car for now, but will likely end up having to buy a new car. Not something either of us really wanted to be dealing with at this time. But life doesn’t always care about our timing. It just comes at you and you gotta figure out how to react to the situation.

So I’m grateful everyone is okay. No one was physically harmed. The kids weren’t present. Things could have been worse.

And I keep moving forward, because I know that time heals all wounds and that eventually, things WILL improve.


  • Reply Reece |

    Please consult with your lawyer before you give him any money for a new car or agree to take on any debt for a new car for him. My lord, you cannot afford anything else right now. Nothing. He will figure it out; he’s a big boy.

    • Reply Laura |

      No kidding. You may think you are in this together but he’s also looking for jobs out of state.

    • Reply Ashley |

      I’m confused….I never said anything about giving him money or buying him a car. Maybe my wording was ambiguous, but I meant “we’re in this together” in terms of the kids – picking them up, getting them to/from school, figuring out next steps, etc.

      • Reply Nicole |

        The wording was ambiguous, I too was uncertain what you meant.

        I think at the core, every reader here cares about you and is concerned for you. There are different ways of expressing it but everyone wishes the best for you.

        By nature, readers are inclined to “take your side” and not be so generous toward hubs. Readers have a “relationship” with you through reading all your posts but have no such bond with him (even though you have always been kind and positive when talking about him).

      • Reply Laura |

        I’m glad you clarified, because your wording did seem like this was a burden you thought you needed to take on. You said it wasn’t something either of us wanted to deal with. “Us” isn’t dealing with it, he needs to.
        Do not sign anything to help him finance a new car either. By the way have you seen another lawyer yet? Has any headway been made in selling the house?

  • Reply jennifer smith |

    Do. NOT. Get. Him. A. Car.

    “WE” do not have to get a new car. HE has to get a new car.

    You are separated, and speaking with lawyers. He is looking at jobs out of state. He is a grown man who is more than capable of finding a way to get transportation. Do NOT go out and finance anything for or with him.

  • Reply Christopher |

    You are married and joined financially. These situations will happen and it’s important to get a formal separation agreement ASAP.

    Perhaps, you’re having a hard time with this because of your emotional connection and that’s fair. We all make financial decisions with our heart at times.

    Glad you’re getting therapy again, it’s good to have someone to talk to. Consider taking a class or trying something new for yourself.

  • Reply Susan |

    What do you think he expects from you in this situation? Although you didn’t specifically mention giving him money for buying him a car, there’s seemingly an emotional disconnection in which you’re talking about how you’re in this together etc. and he’s talking about finding a job out of state. But while you were in therapy, he was in a car accident and called you right away expecting…what? The kids weren’t with him so that wasn’t an issue.

    Can you talk to your car insurance about your marital separation to see what your options are? Also, this could be impetus to sell the house asap, and let him use his portion of the proceeds to buy a new car and pay for insurance.

  • Reply Christopher |

    I also thought he would be given a new car and you would make the payments every month, similar to what Hope did for her ex husband in the past.

    Things will start to get better and you will have a new normal.

  • Reply Shanna |

    You should have separate insurance policies now. Once this is paid out, remove him (or he remove you, however it’s set up) and separate those finances. Neither one of you should be responsible for the other’s car insurance right now. So sorry this happened!!

  • Reply Reece |

    That was how I read it also. I recall part of why you were in debt from while you were in school was because you put a car for him on a credit card but I might be mis-remembering.
    Just….red flags that’s all. As others stated, applying out of town, not working on the house to sell would make me extra cautious. I know we only hear part of the story though and the readers all feel like we know you so we care. ?

  • Reply debtor |

    I hope you have a group of friends you are able to talk to IRL. Sometimes, I see the comments here and I cringe a little. Folks tend to be so black and white on the internet but real like is not so. It’s smart to protect yourself financially and legally but he did not turn into the devil overnight because you are separated (i say this because someone said “why was he calling you”.). Much easier said than done to separate lives that have been entwined for so long (and will continue to be due to the kids you share). I always say, feelings are not faucets, you can’t just switch them off and it will take you guys some time to find the new normal.

    Anyway… i’m glad everyone is okay. And you are right, it will get better because that’s life and we are built to be be resilient.

    Wishing you nothing but good vibes and positivity as you go through this journey.

    • Reply Susan |

      Please don’t misquote my comment. I asked what Ashley thought he expected from her, given his threat to move out of state, while meanwhile he leans on her immediately after totaling his car. The support and empathy should go both ways, but she seems to provide a disproportionate amount of it.

So, what do you think ?