by Hope
I don’t even know where to start. I really crashed this summer emotionally, like really. Thank God for my kids. My obligations to and for them are the only thing that saved me I think. I know it’s still kind of taboo to talk about depression, and I never would have expected it as I tend to be a glass half full kind of girl. But I definitely have been going thru some major depression, borderline suicidal times this summer.
I pulled the kids from just about everything and hid in the bed as much as possible. Self sabotaged a bit with work, and just generally cried ALOT! I was just overwhelmed and could see no way out.
Not much has changed financially. We are still living for free and barely scraping by with my two part time jobs. I can’t think about the future without getting just overwhelmed with it all. But I have started some new routines to try and shake my “blues.”
My new routines include:
- Spending time in God’s word EVERY morning, first thing.
- Focusing immediately, every time I find myself spiraling down in my head, finding something to be grateful for: air conditioning, a working car, our health…and I’m working on this with my kids as well.
- Lists, lots of lists. Things I need to do, things I want to do, things I need to think about doing. Mostly to get things out of my head at this point, rather than putting them into action but that will be next.
- Giving myself permission to just stop, breathe and most importantly say no.
I did get a kid free week in July when all four kids attended a summer camp together. (Note: one of the benefits offered with the twins adoption was one week of paid summer camp every year. Since the twins turn 18 year this, this is the last summer we could use it.) They loved it and I didn’t know what to do with myself. And we are now spending three weeks at our family’s lakehouse. Sleeping in a bed, not having to go outside to go to the bathroom and having comfortable seating…well, it’s been a really nice break from our living situation (not that I am not grateful.)
I have no idea what the future holds, and I’m overwhelmed trying to get back on my feet. We are spending pretty much nothing, and I’m focused on saving. Unfortunately, due to my emotional challenges I have ‘fallen off the wagon’ on seeking work. But I feel better, I think I’m getting back to myself.
I don’t know when I will get back to writing regularly, but I will be back as I can. I really appreciate those who have reached out. God has a plan for me, for us, I am clinging to that with everything I have got!
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 5 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
Oh hope I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. Depression is a common disease, I have many loved ones who suffer from its grasp. Have you thought about seeking professional help? There is no shame in struggling and there are ways to get free help. You can google the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) in your state, they offer free services to anyone in need. You’ve gone through such a difficult time in the last few years that you’ve been blogging and I’ve always been amazed at your resilience. I’m praying for you and sending you love during your struggles.
Sorry I meant National Alliance on Mental Illness! Here is their national page, but check out your state website for all of the local services. http://www.nami.org
I go back and forth on the counseling thing…and am not sure of my health care coverage. One day I will sit down and figure that out.
Hope,
Thanks for sharing this with us. I think the steps you are taking are great. In addition to the resources shared by Judi, I would encourage you to find a group of people (perhaps a small group at a church) to just love you for who you are, to help hold you accountable, and to encourage you when things are not going as planned. This group could also have members who would invite you for an evening of sitting in comfortable chairs, dinner, games, or just talking. When I struggled with depression, such a group was my life line. I didn’t have to share with everyone, just a few and they loved me through the depression. I will pray for you.
I think this is one of the things I miss the most…having a group! Unfortunately, I am EXTREMELY introverted, so the couple of times I have tried, I literally left there in tears. Not to mention, I am now very self conscious of my ‘charity’ case status, at least in my head.
If I were close, Hope, I would give you a big, long hug. Depression is so debilitating and when you’re in the thick of it, it’s impossible to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Treat yourself gently.
Hope, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I suffer from bouts of depression and have learned to stay on low levels of anti-depressants. For me, it’s definitely better living through chemistry. I know that’s not for everyone. I am impressed with your action plan. How brave of you to share with us. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I would give you a hug if I could. Your path through life has up and downs and you’ve had struggles. But you have your faith and you have the love of your kids. remember to love yourself.
Thank you, Stephanie. I think the loving myself part is the hardest, especially when I feel as if I have failed and continue to fail on so many levels.
I am sorry to hear about your personal challenges. You are fortunate to have family support and as you continue to improve your mental health, everything else will fall into place. Just continue focusing on the good in your life. I used to spend money to feel better, but that’s only a bandaid and the real work comes from inside.
Yes, Christoper, I have definitely found that focusing on the good in my life makes a world of difference!
Wow, Hope. Thanks for the update. I was wondering if you were OK. Having struggled with depression for all my adult life, I know that pharmaceuticals work in the short term, exercise definitely helps, as does eating right, and making plans and forcing yourself to enact them is the tonic that works best for me.
Especially when I’m in that place of “Nothing’s ever going to get better, I’m always going to be stuck here, how the *(&% did I end up here . . .”, making any kind of plan and doing it, every day, whether you want to or not, has been what saved me.
Plans can and do change. Just make a plan and start taking the necessary steps. Need work? Plan to update your resume, have it professionally reviewed, then sent to 2 places a day for 2 weeks. Or whatever. You get my gist.
There’s lots of great inspiration boards on Pinterest. Check it out. Become a Pinterest junkie for awhile.
There’s tremendous inspiration on Quora. Read it. Answer other folks’ questions. Reach out. Helping others is probably the best medicine to get off the pity pot. Join a committee at church. You know what to do. Little steps for now, larger ones when you can.
Do something.
Hope,
thanks for your openness. It breaks my heart to read what you’ve been dealing with. Best of luck for the future.
I already shared this link with one of Ashley’s posts, but maybe it’s also interesting for you. https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/affordable-therapy?utm_term=.niWVwDLWb#.igAm2Bal1
Thank you for sharing. I’ll echo what Judi said and I hope you’ll check out the Virginia chapter of NAMI. If you’ve felt suicidal, professional help is an absolute necessity. Please get it. Anti-depressants can help you feel capable and some clarity. Depression changes your brain’s chemistry, they’ll help you get aligned again. I’m pleading with you to talk to a professional.
Yes!! Please get help. I don’t know if you ever done therapy before. If not, think of it as 50 minutes/week where you can unload about anything and everything. It is YOUR time to vent, cry, shout, laugh, whatever. And a good therapist will listen to you without judgment and help guide you to the next step.
Also, if antidepressants scare you, don’t worry. Antidepressants will not change your personality or turn you into an unfeeling emotional zombie. The right one will help lift the depressive fog and enable you to function. You will still feel sad and overwhelmed, but you’ll be able to get out of bed. The tricky part is finding the right one and the right dosage. For that, you need to work with a psychiatrist. Primary care doctors can prescribe them, and many will if there’s an urgent need, e.g., suicidal thoughts, but they don’t have to deep training and experience to really find the right fit for you. Your PCP can, however, give you a referral to a psychiatrist.
In the meantime, not only can exercise help but so can the food you eat. I’ve heard the foods high in Omega-3 can help with depression, as can Vitamins D and B. (But, if you’re on an antidepressant from the SSRI family extra Vitamin B is a no-no.) Salmon may be too expensive, but eggs with Omega-3 might be a good solution. (They feed the chickens foods high in omega-3, like flaxseeds, and in turn the omega-3 gets passed onto the eggs.)
I hope you feel better soon. You have a lot on your plate, so it isn’t surprising that you have depression (who wouldn’t?!?!?), but you are loved and people in your life are willing to help.
Hi Jen,
Thanks for the advice! I am stearing clear of medication at this time, but definitely changed my diet, exercise and added some essential oil blends to different times of the day. Time in the sun, literally, and more music has also really helped. Every day it’s a choice to fight or just give up, and right now the fight is winning!
No words, just hugs! The world would be a darker place without you. Stay with us.
Hope,
I’m so sorry you are having such a rough time. Life can be very scary and stressful and sad at times. One strategy I use is a gratitude journal, which is a small notebook next to my bed. I try and jot down a few words (not sentences or paragraphs as that stresses me out) before I sleep of things that day that were blessings. “my daughter did the dishes without asking”, “a pretty flower”, “a yummy piece of toast”…..nothing earth shattering, but I remind myself that life is made up of little moments of happiness. When I get down in the dumps, I re-read my gratitude notes and that helps me focus on the good in life. Tonight I will write “grateful for Hope” in my journal! Hugs to you!
Hi Den,
We have all started index card boxes. On one side, we are all writing any prayer requests we have. Just writing them down and dating them. Then on the other side we draw or write something we are thankful for. My hope is that by putting our request out there, we can stop focusing on it in our mind by giving it to God. And then by thinking of something we are grateful for, we can start our day off right with something positive. This is new…
I’m hoping in few months maybe we can look back on our prayer request cards and find that some have been answered, resolved or don’t exist anymore. I think that would be really cool!
Thank you for speaking about this. There is NO SHAME in mental illness – and it should no longer to taboo to discuss it – the more people who discuss it, the better. You’ve been offered some great advice for help. Hang in there – you are made of stronger stuff than you think. 🙂 {{{hugs}}}
Thank you, Susan, sometimes it is just nice to hear someone tell you you are strong, especially when you look in the mirror at your sagging red eyes and just want to close them. But today I looked in that mirror, told myself it was going to be a great day and got to work.
I am so sorry to hear about the struggle you’ve been having. It is a disease and it does require help at times. As far as money goes, are you eligible for any sort of state aid? I know that you don’t want to go that route but right now you are in the thick of things and maybe this would help you get back on your feet. You are supporting 4 kiddos right now. I realize when the twins turn 18 that will change as far as that count goes but anything would help. Food stamps, cash assistance, etc. is made exactly for times like these. You have a right to use these systems when hard times fall on you. It’s not cheating, using the system, or any of the other connotations when you truly need it and you’re giving it your all. I wish you all the best and hope to continue hearing from you. Hugs to you!
Thank you, Julene. I did go reapply for food stamps this summer, and qualified for $200 per month. I don’t qualify for any other aid. That has helped, especially with my income so variable in amount and pay dates.
It’s a heavy load you’ve been bearing for quite a while now. Feeling overwhelmed is understandable. Bit by bit, day by day it will get better even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment. When the shadows loom large, look for the little bits of light… Paws crossed for peace and comfort for you.
Thank you, Mindy, and you are absolutely right, just looking for a glimpse of light can make a huge difference when your in the midst of a war raging in your mind. I have been truly blessed by the outpouring of support here on this site.
Hope, I am so sorry you have had such a rough summer. I hope your depression is lifting and if not that you are able to get some help for it. You are right, so many people are afraid to talk about depression but don’t let that stop you from talking about it. It should be treated they way we would any illness. I’ve been there and it does get better.
Tammy, thank you so much for these words of encouragement. It’s is amazing how it can come out of nowhere and just knock you flat on your butt. I think making myself whole again will take some time, but I am definitely fighting to make baby steps every day.