by Hope
I truly appreciate the thought out comments on my last post (The Next Step.) I have read every single one of them. But frankly, this time, the “doormat” “enabling” etc. comments just tore at me. I realize that I signed up for this but more importantly, I realize that it’s a lot easier to stand on the sidelines and yell direction then it is to actually be in the middle of it where the action is actually happening. I wonder if some of you realize that…
I have contemplated not returning, but I’ve never been one to shy from a fight, so after a couple of weeks of licking my wounds. I am back.
So to follow up on that last post…
1. I am not doing anything illegal nor am I committing insurance fraud. The car has sat with occasional driving when I needed it or when he would visit the kids. He has another car with one seat in it he uses on a daily basis.
2. While it may be in my name, etc. it is HIS car and HIS debt. That is spelled out clearly in our divorce decree and I do not think it would be right to discuss HIS debt here. Thus, no numbers were mentioned in that post. I just wanted to get your feedback on that being the next course of action. From the responses, I would say everyone overwhelmingly agreed with my desire to rid my name of that debt although many differed on how it should be done.
3. Hiring a lawyer to do this, that or the other. No offense to the lawyers who may be reading this, but are you crazy? Have you gone through a divorce where there are kids and property? Well, I see/hear about it EVERY day from other of my single mom acquaintances…$20K and counting in legal fees, , chasing and waiting for child support, limited child support based on his income and it never stops until the kids reach 18. I paid $75 and did my own divorce paperwork. I got exactly what I wanted…full legal and physical custody of the kids. He got the car to finish paying off. I also got a relationship with him where I could say “the kids need” and he was willing to work with me on money without feeling like I was coming after him. And I don’t have to go back to court every time things change or chase him down for child support via more court appointments. I have seen the results of that many times over and do not want it for me, my kids or even him. Sorry if you don’t agree, but I KNOW this was the right decision.
4. You like reading Ashley…great! I like reading Ashley too. Life was definitely much more simple when I had two little kids and a husband helping pay the bills, and had a corporate job. But that’s not my life anymore and frankly, despite the hardships of the last years I LOVE my life. I love spending every day with kids, seeing them evolve and grow with every new experience and “lightbulb” learning experience. I love my clients and the flexibility I have to work when and where I want and do work that challenges me. The absolute only thing I am missing these days from life is having a couple more bedrooms…but you know what, that will come.
I have read Blogging Away Debt since the very beginning. I would check back daily for new posts and was sad when there were days or weeks between them. But I was most interested in reading about the different bloggers life – challenges, successes and yes, sometimes even failures. It inspired me. So that’s how I write. While the blog updates with charts and numbers are great, they are not my style. If you don’t like it…that’s okay, there are two other bloggers. I can’t/won’t be everyone’s style. But I would like to share a quote my parents taught me growing up “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything” and always “Silence is golden.”
More to come this afternoon…
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 5 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
Hope I have been reading your posts for a few months but never commented until now. I think you are doing an amazing job raising 4 well balanced & loved kids while working your tail off to get out of debt. You are a great role model for you children & others. Only you live your life so stay true to yourself & your goals/ dreams for your family.
Thank you so much for the kind words, Lauren. I am certainly so proud of my kiddos and am so grateful for the village that has surrounded us with love and support and compassion. Exciting news on my twins later today!
I think most people were just trying to be helpful and keep you from unwise decisions. Some people are speaking from experience and some not. This is Blogging Away Debt and that means that we do like to see the numbers and that people are going to give their opinions. That’s part of the process. I know for myself, I would like to see some numbers posted. You referenced that your consumer debt is paid off so I would hope you would be eager to share those numbers with us. I haven’t seen a numbers update in sometime.
As for using an attorney with a divorce situation, not all of the numbers are $20,000. I know we paid a small fee to get a divorce many years ago and I’ve never had to go back to court. My ex husband sees my son regularly, has never missed a child support payment, participates in his life and helps us whenever is needed. So I don’t think using other peoples numbers is a great idea with regards to attorneys fees. Attorneys are kind of like insurance. It’s kind of a small fee to pay to save you from having to pay a big fee later on. If a man is honorable and pays child support, there really isn’t any reason to be running to court every 5 minutes. Looking forward to your updates.
You are right, Mary, every divorce is different and everyone’s perspective is different. I guess what I was trying to communicate that what I did worked for me on every level…kids, financial and continuing financial situation with ex. It may not make sense to others but it works for us.
I enjoy reading your posts (and the other posts) on BAD. I can’t really relate to any of the bloggers 100% or maybe even 50%, but I enjoy getting an inside look at how you are 1) kicking butt to eliminate debt and 2) the decisions you make for your family to achieve your goals. Exposing such a vulnerable part of your life online and for comment is very brave! Everyone’s situation is different and I rarely comment on blogs I follow because I feel it’s not my job to weigh in. I admire your dedication to your family and your path. I guarantee if the rest of behind our monitors and keyboards were brave enough to share our lives the way you have we would receive a barrage of “helpful” comments. To each their own!
Thanks, Kim, I appreciate the perspective. I have to be honest, many of the bloggers past and present have challenged me to be more and do more…sometimes to avoid their situations and sometimes because I envied their situation…like Adam and Emily’s “farm”…oh, how I want some land and some chickens and to be able to re-finish so cool furniture!
Hope – I’m so glad you are back!
The comments were rough and many were uncalled for…..but there were some helpful suggestions, mostly that you should get rid of that debt as quickly as possible. I do wish commenters would try and tone down the negative (and please don’t use the excuse of trying to “help” – that’s a cop-out. You can be helpful without being hurtful).
I enjoy your posts and love your positive attitude!!! I hope the good of writing for this blog outweighs the bad – don’t let the haters get your down!
Thanks, Den. It’s good to be back. Look forward to a whole day of posts today…lots to catch you up on. Think I have a new post scheduled every 2 hours during the day time today 🙂
The divorce decree is all great and wonderful until someone stops making payments. The divorce decree does not change your financial obligation to pay the loan back no matter what the decree says. The lender only cares about who took out the loan.
I don’t like it when readers compare the bloggers, as it is usually in negative ways and really some people are big babies. It’s a blog, move on with your life. But with that said, there really was no need to throw Ashley’s “simpler” life out to make a point. I don’t think Ashley’s life is simpler and neither do readers. Ashley’s posts have an intimacy that your’s and Matt’s don’t but that is fine. Not everyone has to blog the same way.
A lot of readers like reading about your journey, myself included. I think a numbers post ever once in a while would be helpful not only for us, but for you as well.
That’s true, the divorce decree is only a piece of paper. But it lines out an agreement between us and we have both held up our ends of that bargain. That has never been in question. The problem has arisen here from people not agreeing with our method and thus disparaging it and even going so far as to make personal remarks as a result.
What works for some, may not work for others, but this works for us and has worked for us. He has not missed a car payment AND more importantly to me, he has not challenged me in regards to the kids and the decisions I make for them. We both got our cake…and are really enjoying eating it.
I appreciate you understanding that we are all different with different lives, perspective and writing methods. I will certainly get some solid numbers up soon…you will see the car number later today.
I just recently came across this blog as I was looking for ways to eliminate a mountain of my own debt. I always look forward to your entries because I can relate to your particular situation more than the others. I was beginning to think you weren’t going to return because of some of the comments posted on your last writing but I am glad you did. I think for the most part people were just trying to be helpful and that often comes across as rude and mean when they comment on a situation they themselves can not relate too. I commend you for taking care of your situation the way you did. I did the same with my sons father and received a lot of backlash from everyone. I also see a lot of my friends and family in and out of court for doing it the other way. It is hard on everyone including the kids when this happens . You continue to do what you feel is right for you and your children and you will all be happy in the end and I hope to continue reading all about it for some time to come.
Taira,
I think it takes someone who has walked through a tough “ex” relationship to appreciate the fine line it takes to maintain that especially with kids involved. Thank you for your supportive words. I am glad I am confident in my dealings and goals in regards to my ex because the posts lately really made me feel like a crazy person…which in most cases I am actually proud to be…but in this case it stung.
Thank you for your comment!
Too often, especially on the internet, people forget the Love part in Tough Love and end up coming across as judgmental and hurtful.
I don’t blame you for taking some time to recover. I’m glad you’re back, though, and have come up with a plan for handling the car.
Thanks,, Jen, agreed, and I really believe it’s the LOVE part that makes the “tough” part stick 🙂
Hope, I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts and how you process each step through life. Thank you for coming back! I do not take offense to your comment about lawyers on this point, but I do feel the need to offer a different perspective, from a lawyer point-of-view. I CHOSE to go to law school. That is my choice. However, I do struggle (almost daily) with the negative connotations that certain practice areas or individuals give my profession. I get it, lawyers are expensive. But, not all lawyers fit a stereotype of too expensive, beat you down, etc. (and I am not implying that is what your post is inferring). I graduated from law school 6 years ago. I am a second career attorney, after spending 10+ years in K-12 education. I have fabulous credentials and I have found it hard to find meaningful employment that pays even my basic bills. I make less now than I did as a teacher. I owned my own firm for 5 years and eventually built a successful practice (like you, I loved being self-employed). My spouse’s recent relocation forced me to move to a new state and city where I have been contracting for less than a manager at a fast food restaurant makes-only a comparison, not meant to degrade. Life is not about money and like I said I chose to go to law school. However, to gain my knowledge and license (in two states) I have spent over $190,000 on just the legal education, bar prep, and licensing. My required student loan payment is more than most people’s mortgages and I do not qualify for IBR based on my spouse’s income (I am grateful for the dual income, but this is not about him). Part of the reason lawyer fees are so high is because our costs to get and maintain our license is so high. On PT status my malpractice insurance (even if I am not practicing) is several hundred dollars a month.
I practice in the areas of business law, estate planning, and bankruptcy. It is hard to get paid from clients filing for bankruptcy and I was on the low-end of what attorneys were charging. With that said, lawyers have mortgages, student loan debt, and kids/family obligations too. You don’t ask your car mechanic to give you free parts or labor, so why do people lawyers to do the same? I am not saying lawyers should be charging $500 an hour (and trust me I see a lot of that), but if lawyer is providing a necessary service at a “reasonable” rate (this is going to vary by practice area and geography) I want people to know that lawyers are people too with real financial obligations. I chose to go to law school and incur my debt. I don’t make anywhere close to six figures. I complete a lot of pro bono hours. I tell people how to get the resources to do it themselves when I think they can. I give way too much “free” advice. With that said, I expect to be reasonably compensated for my time when and where it is warranted. Many of my law school friends have gone back to what they were doing before law school because unless you work at Big Law (which is less than 10% of the lawyer pool) it is a hard profession to make a “living wage” at in comparison to the debt load/or financial commitment to get there. All I ask is for people to remember that lawyers are people too!
Oh, Maureen, I totally get that! When I first started the divorce process I called around to lawyers, including some I had a personal relationship with…I figured out quickly that at a min rate of $375 per hour around here that if I could find any other way that was the way to go.
But there definitely is a time and place for lawyer use…say adoption 🙂
I certainly appreciate your perspective, financials and all!
Thanks Hope! I try to surround myself with quality professionals, the top paid and the ones in the trenchs. I just wanted to show (mostly the readers at large) that many stereotypes about lawyers I encounter are actually the minority and not the majority. I came from Minneapolis where the average might be $180-$250 for medium/small firm prices. I now live in Chicago where that is closer to $300+. Marketplaces really dictate.
Maureen, thanks for sharing your story. I have several lawyer friends through a volunteer organization we belong to. One of them is actually a partner in a local law firm, dealing in estates. I called to ask her a question for my mother in regards to her guardianship of her sister. I think we were on the phone for 30 minutes, but she wouldn’t send me a bill for it. I made a donation to another charity where she is a board member. I know it didn’t pay her bills, but I didn’t want to take advantage of her professional knowledge/experience.
Ah phooey on the naysayers.
I like you and your family, I like your writing and I like your style Hope.
Congrats on finding a great solution to the car debt. You’re doing so well and I have no doubts about your ability and willingness to make all your dreams come true! You’re a beautiful inspiration to women like myself; thank you!
Thank you, Mia! I am definitely willing.
I had noticed you hadn’t been posting but I rarely read the comments and hadn’t realized there was drama involved. I’m glad you’re back, you have a unique life going and yours are usually my favorite BAD blog posts.
Thank you, Jodi. I continue to realize and fully appreciate how unique my life is and also really learned how much we all take for granted during my struggles this year. I appreciate your encouragement!
I am glad you are sticking around!
I don’t know why people get so overzealous. I guess it’s human nature in some regard. I love reading blogs where someone thinks outside the box, everyone freaks out and says, “You can’t do that!” & then the blogger goes out and does it. You are “outside the box” and I think it just makes people uncomfortable.
I like your term way better for my life…Outside the Box…I always use crazy which I suppose has a negative connotation. Our lives are definitely “outside the box” and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Thank you for the encouragement!
I think you are making the most of a difficult financial situation. Many people that comment probably are doing it to be helpful, but I can understand how it could come across as rude or judgemental. Glad you pointed out that that’s how you are feeling.
One thing about this blog is that people get excited about bloggers victories and seeing progress. Looks like you are making progress too, but it helps sometimes to spell out what that means. Also, if you are looking at doing something like buying a house with no money down and no savings – people are going to warn you about that as a mistake. Thats what I would say, and again I wouldnt mean it as a judgement or try to be hurtful or rude in saying it.
Keep fighting the good fight!
I am a also a single mum who homeschooled. (the younger child just graduated). I find your posts both inspiring and relevant to my own life.
Hope,
I am glad your back. I am thrilled with your progress. I also want to applaud you for taking some time so you could respond to the comments made a couple of weeks ago instead of reacting to them. The world would be a better place if we all take the time to respond to others instead of reacting. Sometimes we have to do without something until we can afford it. I think this is an important lesson that you are teaching your children. I also think it is very important for children to have a good relationship with both of their parents. I commend you for taking the course of actions which have resulted in this for your children. I really am glad your back. I enjoy the contrast of numbers and narratives that the three of you bring to this blog. Have a wonderful day!
I love reading your updates! I think your situation shows a lot of women that it really is possible to be a single mother and to find a way to make things possible that are important to you, like your homeschooling. I enjoy your posts so much.
Also, I can relate to your situation in that I’ve had weird debt agreements because of an ex. I so hope you don’t get so frustrated with comments that you decide to quit. Just remember that for so many of these people, it’s easy to sit behind a keyboard and speak into someone’s life because they really have no idea what it’s like to make the choices you have, or to have to live with the choices you’ve made.
Keep up the good work. You’re doing really good.
Thank you, Alice. I actually just got off the phone with another single mom friend. It has been a long, hard road for her to become self-sufficient, but she also has learned that having the right community around you and making child centered decisions have brought the most joy to her even during the tough times.
I think for anyone, anything is possible if you are willing to work, wait and not be afraid to ask for help. That last one is the hardest for me!
Putting yourself out there is definitely hard, but us fellow single moms really appreciate your perspective!
Thanks, April! I am so grateful for the community I have with other single moms. It’s just hard to relate when you haven’t actually walked in these shoes sometimes, you know?