fbpx
:::: MENU ::::

Breast Versus Bottle: A PSA

by

Hi friends! I’m taking a little time today to blog on something totally unrelated to debt as a little public service announcement (PSA).  Even though unrelated to debt, I really want to spread this message and encourage any/all of you to do the same. This is something that isn’t talked about nearly enough, but is quite near and dear to my heart. Mention it to a new Mom or Mom-to-be. Or just talk about it amongst friends. If this message reaches and helps even a single new Mom, then this post will have served its purpose. Thank you for your patience with this interruption to regular blogging. I’ll be back later with a more relevant post.

One of my lifelong best friends called me the other day.

I could tell instantly that something was wrong. She was clearly holding back tears, just trying to keep it together.

My friend Alice* (*not her real name) is a first-time Mom. She brought her sweet baby home from the hospital a few days ago, and is having a very difficult time with the transition. Although it’s totally normal to have your hormones all over the place in the early days and to feel some level of angst, Alice’s feelings were a bit amplified compared to most. As we spoke, I could tell that she was near-panic. My heart ached for her as she told me about her anxiety and feelings of helplessness.

What was Alice’s biggest problem?

Breastfeeding.

Alice’s baby was refusing to latch. She’d seen multiple lactation consultants in the hospital, but was experiencing continued problems. The doctor noticed it and even had her stay an extra day in the hospital, hoping the extra time would help.

Exhausted and feeling defeated, Alice turned to formula while at the hospital. Now at home, she was still trying to breastfeed, but was working herself into a terrible mental state due to her difficult and unsuccessful experiences.

She called me to seek some solace from our friendship and to ask about my experiences (I’m a huge breast-feeding supporter. I breastfed my girls for 6 months and attended a weekly breastfeeding support group religiously). I gave her some suggestions and talked about my experiences. Every person is different. Every baby is different. When I first had my babies I’d planned to breastfeed for a full year. I fought tooth and nail to make it to 6 months. I won’t go into all the details, but it felt like a daily battle and I struggled the.entire.time. It never came easy or naturally for me and my girls.

Here’s the thing. We all know that “breast is best.” We’ve all read the studies, heard it from nurses, pediatricians, etc. We have had it beaten into us that breastmilk is the best thing we can give our babies. I am not arguing with that.

What I would like to say though, the message I really want to spread, is that it’s not all about what’s best for the baby. There’s another very important person in the equation:  the mother.

Yes, we all know about the studies showing how important breastmilk can be for supporting a baby’s health (see here or here for an overview). But do you know how incredibly important maternal mental health is for her growing baby? A recent meta-analysis discussed the many varied ways that maternal depression can negatively effect a child long after infancy (see here).

I want to be clear that I’m not a breastfeeding-basher. If a woman can breastfeed then that is fantastic! I’m totally pro-breastfeeding! I’m just saying that there are many cases where trying to breastfeed may actually cause more harm to the child than formula-feeding would. One of these cases, specifically, is if the woman is battling severe anxiety and/or depression as a direct result of breastfeeding complications. We all have these ideas of what it will be like when we have a baby, and rarely do we think that one of our biggest troubles will be feeding the baby! Experiencing difficulty with breastfeeding is actually quite common. But if these complications translate into perpetuating a state of anxiety and depression in the mother then, “Houston, we have a problem!”

I liken this to being on an airplane. If the cabin loses pressure and the oxygen masks come down, we are instructed to put on our own oxygen mask FIRST! We do this BEFORE helping anyone else (including children and/or elderly) because if we don’t help ourselves then we aren’t in a position to be able to help anyone else!

If a woman is struggling with depression, then she’s unable to mother as effectively as she would otherwise. This can negatively influence the growing child’s affective and behavioral development in a number of ways (higher rates of depression and psychopathology, behavior problems, and altered biological stress reactivity profiles). In short, if a new mother is depressed, it’s bad for her child. I would argue that the effects of maternal depression are much worse (and longer lasting) than the effects of being formula-fed as opposed to breastfed.

Many people don’t look at it that way. They look at a new baby and if the mother is feeding the child formula, then she’s often judged. Why would you not want the best for your baby? But maybe offering formula IS the best choice for the baby.

I’m not a trained counselor nor am I a trained medical professional, but I gave my dear friend my own personal advice (this, coming from someone who is pro-breastfeeding, but also pro-mommy’s mental health). I told her not to give up yet. Try to pump so baby can still get breastmilk that way. Try to nurse (like, really try….could take a good 30-45 minutes) at least once a day. See another lactation consultant. Try a nipple shield. Etc. Etc. Etc.

But I ended the conversation with this:  If, after you’ve exhausted all other options, you are still finding yourself in a state of panic and depression, unsuccessful with breastfeeding….then you give your baby a bottle of formula. And you do NOT feel bad about it for one second. You are doing the best thing you can for your baby. You are taking care of YOU!

I know this is a controversial topic and you may not agree with me and that’s just fine. But I  urge you all to open your minds a bit about this topic and consider not just what’s best for baby, but what’s best for Mommy?

In my opinion, this concept (what’s best for Mommy) is not discussed nearly enough. Think about it. Keep it in the back of your mind when you offer a new Mom suggestions or advice. Remember that each person is different; our babies are different; our experiences are different; and let’s be sensitive toward each other in our choices about breast versus bottle because it’s not always the clear-cut choice that everyone makes it out to be. We’re all just trying to make it through life doing the best we can. Let’s offer each other a little bit of grace.

Thank you! I hope you’re having a fabulous day and will check back later for a more debt-related post. In the meantime, tell me one of your favorite things about your best friend. My dear friend Alice is so incredibly generous. She always thinks of others before herself (really to a fault), and over the years has taught me to be a more caring and giving individual. I am a better person for having her in my life.


23 Comments

  • Reply Jen From Boston |

    AMEN!!! It’s really awful how the Mommy Wars can be, and breastfeeding seems to be a particularly nasty battle. I wasn’t breastfed – I was adopted. My mother had no choice! And I turned out just fine. My only health “problem” is I don’t exercise enough, but as far as all of my internal organs, etc., everything’s hunky dory.

    Also, I was amazed at how much TIME is needed to breastfeed! I had no idea until a friend who breast fed told me. It’s pretty crazy.

    • Reply Ashley |

      So true! When I was still breastfeeding my girls it was extra-awkward since I’d try to do them both at the same time (meaning, both breasts are totally exposed). We very rarely went out as a family during those first 6 months. I was still in school at the time and had to go all day on Tuesday/Thursdays, but that was practically the only time I’d leave the house. I know some women have a totally different experience (my sister, for example, breastfed for a full year with no problems at all, in public, etc.), but logistically for me it felt like more trouble than it was worth to try to be out and about while still breastfeeding.

  • Reply Kay |

    I couldn’t agree more, I think we’ve turned a corner where everyone knows that breast is best, and now it’s actually causing harm to keep bashing women over the head with he message. With my second daughter, I was adamant about breastfeeding. I couldn’t get her to latch in the hospital and got very dismissive answers from the lactation consultant. It just got worse when I got home, and in desperation I just gave her formula. Sweet blessed relief! What else was I supposed to do late on a Saturday night? Let her starve? I wish it had worked differently, but she’s 9 now and smart, happy, and healthy, so I think she’ll survive being formula fed 😉

  • Reply Mrs. H |

    I hesitate to even post because I’ve seen how ugly these types of discussions can get, but my pediatrician once told me that if you handed her two groups of patient files, 100 who were breastfed and 100 who were not, she wouldn’t be able to decipher which group was which.

    I think it’s important to remember that the benefits of breastfeeding are most important to the population as a whole. The individual benefits are actually quite small. So if breastfeeding is agony or is causing stress, anxiety or loss of connection between mother and baby, formula is a-okay.

    You’re not a failure of a mother. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. It doesn’t mean your kid is going to be a sickly failure at life. He or she is going to be just fine. And so are you.

  • Reply Jackie |

    I can relate to “Alice.” My son wouldn’t latch on and never caught on. We’d both end up in tears. I ended up pumping breast milk for 4 months. I ended up going to work and it was not a place where I could have time to pump. He ended up being fine and is now 18 years old.

    It’s hard not to beat yourself up over it though. Eventually you just have to do the best you can and move on.

  • Reply Sarah |

    Thank you! I breastfed one for six weeks and one for 10 weeks but then had to go back to work and couldn’t pump at work. I also didn’t enjoy breastfeeding. Our boys are now 19 and 16 and are rarely sick. They go to the doctor less than once a year and that is usually for a physical.

    If it works for you, do it. But, I agree. A mom’s mental health is way more important!

  • Reply Deeanna |

    Totally agree Mommy Wars are awful and the Breastfeeding Battle usually takes the most casualties.

    I didn’t see it discussed but in case someone was new to the battle, I wanted to offer another option…middle ground.

    My daughter was a preemie. I exclusively pumped early on so that she could be fed. However, the milk had to fortified so she could grow. We were so ready to have her home from the NICU we honestly didn’t want to take the time to battle latching issues in the NICU.

    I continued to pump, the milk was continued to be fortified, and my husband fed her the bottles. I pumped for six months. It does take additional time and commitment. We had to prepare the bottles as well as pumping supplies. I wanted to breastfeed and not being able to do so was heartwrenching for me. I felt the guilt but I felt better knowing I could at least pump for her. My husband was also a strong support system who felt involved because he could feed her, etc.

    She was fed breastmilk. She was also fed formula.

    But the most important thing was this was what was best for her!

    • Reply Ashley |

      We had a very similar experience. My girls were preemies (32 weeks) and low-birth weight. They were in the NICU for a month and, during that time, I was only allowed to try breastfeeding once per day (each) because they were so little that it was too exerting and causing them to lose weight. They were fed (first through gavage, later through bottle) my milk fortified with formula. Once home, I was able to try breastfeeding more, but I still pumped and their bottled milk was always fortified with formula.

      • Reply Deeanna |

        Ladybug (her nickname) was born at 30 weeks at 2 lbs 12 oz. Brings a whole new thing to mind when I go to Sonic and see Route 44s.

        We are alike in many ways.

  • Reply Megan |

    It sounds like you gave your friend some really good advice. I was formula-fed over thirty years ago, and I think I turned out just fine, thank you very much. 🙂
    I breastfed my son, and pumped at work for the first six months. My husband and I are trying for a second child, and I’ve already told him that I’m not pumping at work again. Pumping made me so miserable. When I go back to work, the kid will get formula during the day. I’d argue that pumping may be even more stressful than either breastfeeding or giving formula. You spend so much of your day hooked up to that infernal machine, and it doesn’t even do a very good job of getting the milk out.
    Your friend may want to check out the Fearless Formula Feeder website (http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/) as a great, non-judgy resource for formula feeding families if she decides to go down that path.

  • Reply Katie |

    Breastfeeding was the hardest thing I faced with both of my kids when they were infants. I told myself every morning I would try for just one more day. I made it 6 months with each of them. I definitely felt a lot of pressure to do it, and I’m glad I stuck it out because I know there are benefits. But my experience never looked like one of those pictures of a serene mother gazing lovingly at her infant as she nurses. Instead, it was a frenzied woman trying to pump at work and answer e-mails at the same time, with engorgement and mastitis. Ugh.

    • Reply Ashley |

      Yes!!!! This was me, too! I tried to look at it as a season of life and try to hold on for one more day (always one more day!!)

  • Reply Kim |

    Just to chime in from another angle, my daughter is 3 months old and exclusively breastfed. Even though everyone says breast is best, the reality has been that most people are not very supportive. My husband’s family thinks breastfeeding should be done away from the entire family with the baby covered at all times. Umm clearly my mil did not breastfeed. They always want me to bottle feed her when we are places. This never works because she knows the real thing is near plus mama is not dealing with the painful engorgment this causes. I’m very thankful that I get to breastfeed and it truly is my favorite parts of the day. But I remind my girlfriend who couldn’t, she gets to share feeding which I’m envious of and since they share she has actually slept more than a 5 hour stretch in the past several months. Motherhood is hard, no judgment needed!

  • Reply Cheryl |

    I breast fed both of mine, one for six weeks. I went back to work and pumped and she recieved a bottle of my milk at daycare. My son for nine months, stayed home with him and that is all he knew. Both kids had alot of ear infections and tubes so I think what is best for the family is best for both mom and baby. Cheryl

  • Reply Alexandria |

    Thank You!!

    I was not breastfed. I don’t know the details, but I have a high IQ. It’s amazing how many people have told me over the years something along the lines of, “Obviously you were breastfed.” ???? I just think that the benefits of breastfeeding are a little over-sold. (Bottle fed babies can be healthy and they can be smart. & I would think a happy momma is what’s better for baby than most anything else).

    I breastfed my kids for 6 months each and it was pretty non-eventful. As a working mom, that just seemed to be when they chose to wean. When they were eating more solids. But anyway, motherhood is a long list of ridiculous cultural expectations of everything “just so”. I figured it was what it was and at least I didn’t have to hear everyone freaking out because they perceived that I breastfed my kids too long or whatever. No matter what you do, you really can’t win. I felt lucky to have this one area of peace in new motherhood. I am sure everything else I did was wrong wrong wrong. 😉

  • Reply Rachel |

    As always, I love your perspective and completely agree.

    The topic is slightly debt-related…breastfeeding saves a ton of money vs. formula.

    My first child was a borderline preemie…big enough to have no physical issues but his instincts hadn’t fully developed. All he wanted to do was sleep and he did not have a suck reflex. It was miserable as a first time mother trying to breastfeed. I would spend 2 hours trying to wake him up and get him to eat. If I pumped and fed him via syringe or bottle, he gagged because he was just asleep through it. Of course you have to feed every 3 hours, so I almost literally never slept. Within a week he was back in the NICU for low weight and jaundice. At that point I exclusively pumped and continued for 2 years.

    My second child took to breastfeeding better and I exclusively breastfed him (no pumping) for 2 years. Being a stay-at-home mom it was fine, but I was uncomfortable around others and in public. I felt chained to the baby, because he wanted to eat all.the.time. His dad couldn’t handle the fussing if I left for even an hour.

    This is such a personal topic and decision. I dreaded people asking about it while I was pregnant…it’s none of their business! I would have been a much happier mom if I had formula fed, although I am glad I did it for health and money reasons. I did it and stuck to it SO LONG because I was forced into it by their dad. He was a strict vegan (and anti-soy too) and would not allow any alternatives to breastmilk. (Can you tell he’s my ex now? 😉 )

    • Reply Ashley |

      That’s a good point about this being tangentially related to debt/spending since its much less expensive than formula-feeding. I mentioned in an earlier comment that I had to fortify my breastmilk with formula (so, yes, I still bought formula) and I had to get the special formula for preemies (my pediatrician specifically recommended Enfamil Enfacare). It was $$$$! I do not miss that monthly bill!!

    • Reply Jen From Boston |

      Vegan and anti-soy?!?!?!? Did he realize that you, too, are an animal and that your milk is not vegan? Wow.

      • Reply Ashley |

        This comment made me LOL!!! Good point, though. Breastmilk is inherently NOT vegan! lol

  • Reply Maureen |

    It is a choice. I don’t have children, but if I did I wouldn’t choose to breastfeed and would be downright vocal to any individual that tried to force me. I’m well educated (MA and JD) and a working professional and know the studies. I was bottle fed from day 1.

    Ashley, thank you for opining both sides without criticism. It’s just not a personal choice that would work for me. I hate that the pendulum has swung so far that much of public perception is only “for” breastfeeding and women that choose not too are chastised.

  • Reply Jocelyn |

    I completely agree! I’ve heard so many stories of moms being pressured to breastfeed (by individuals or just by our current culture) when it really wasn’t the best for them or their situation. On top of that, the best new studies are showing that there is no long-term difference between formula feeding or breastfeeding in developed countries. In undeveloped countries where the water supply isn’t clean, it makes a difference. But here? Nope. I loved reading about this study: http://www.skepticalob.com/2014/02/hold-the-guil-new-study-finds-benefits-of-breastfeeding-dramatically-overstated.html

So, what do you think ?