A lot of you are probably wondering where I was yesterday since I usually post daily. I spent most of the day at the doctors taking a battery of tests and I have some very sad news to report…I miscarried.
Throughout all of the tests, I remained hopeful. The last test they did, the ultrasound, left me staring at the ceiling hoping beyond hope that perhaps the technician would declare, “Would you like to see the heartbeat?” and turn the monitor towards me. Just like how it was when we first had a glimpse of our son in my womb. It wasn’t meant to be.
The whole day yesterday felt so surreal. Walking from test to test I felt like I wasn’t even walking. I felt numb. When it was time to say goodbye to the doctor after he gave me the results of all the tests, he said that he was glad to have met me but he wished it was under better circumstances. I thanked him for fitting me in his schedule and giving me so much of his time and I started balling. I had been fighting it earlier because I wasn’t prepared to give up hope. The goodbye was it. There was no more hope to be had.
I wiped my tears and went out to my son and husband in the waiting room. I had one more thing to go through, and that was to get a shot of RHOGAM since I am RH negative. All I wanted to do is go home, but the disorganization of our health system made a single shot take over 45 minutes to complete.
When I told my mom yesterday, she reminded me that everything happens for a reason. I know I often say that myself, but sometimes you forget when you are in the midst of something very sad happening in your life. It was nice to be reminded of that for I do find it comforting.
I retired early last night and I spent a good time thinking about what happened and why our beautiful gift was so suddenly taken away. I know in my heart there is a reason and given time I’m sure I will begin to feel better and heal after this loss.