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Posts tagged with: job loss

Dealing with Failure

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I’m still running these days. I run just over 3 miles each day Monday through Friday and over 5 miles each day Saturday and Sunday. At lunch, I do 20-30 minutes of strength training. I LOVE the Nike app since the workouts are FREE and I can sort by how much energy I’m feeling that day. Easy? Intermediate? Difficult? Sure!

I’ve mentioned it before (repeatedly) that I exercise to keep my thoughts under control. It’s in those moments when I’m focusing on keeping my form or setting new personal records that I can ignore the craziness. Even then, do something long enough and it becomes routine. Your body adjusts and it’s not hard anymore. You have this false sense that you are in great shape because the workouts you’ve been doing for ages aren’t nearly as difficult as when you first started.

Our neighbor has a gym in their garage. Literally. A very nice gym. They had picked up our mail for us over the weekend while we were on a camping trip and we started to chat about his home gym. “That’s a nice elliptical” I said. “Hop on! Try it out!” he said.

I lasted 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Seriously. My heartrate shot sky high and I thought I was going to die. Our neighbors couldn’t stop laughing.

“If it makes you feel any better, I can’t run to the end of the block!” he said, still laughing.

I walked home, embarrassed by my overconfidence in my fitness level. As I got in bed that night, I couldn’t sleep. I run! How can I not do something as simple as an elliptical?!?! It’s the SAME movement!

The more I reflected, the more I realized that it’s the same…but different. Which makes it frustrating because I expected myself to perform well when it wasn’t something my body could do yet. I work out so I assumed that I have the strength in my muscles for the job.

I don’t.

I’m trying to lead at work during a pandemic. I’m making mistakes. I’m getting frustrated with myself, with my failure.

I’m trying to work at home for an extended period while keeping my personal space separate from my work space physically and emotionally. I’m failing.

I’m trying to keep my emotions at bay while trapped at home when I’ve spent most of my life outside work hours outdoors. I’m failing.

I’ve been great with my finances solidly since 2017 and the last few months I keep tripping. I keep making mistakes. Spending when that’s not what I usually do. I’m failing.

Friends, I’m failing. But these are muscles I’ve never used before. I can’t expect them to perform at a high level on the first try. Things that I’m normally awesome at… yeah, I’m going to suck for a while.

But I’m getting stronger. You are too.

The night after the elliptical debacle, I didn’t sleep. I reflected. In March, I was a COMPLETE disaster. In April, I was MOSTLY a disaster. May, just a disaster. June? I’ve had some rough weeks including the week from hell. But if those weeks had happened in March, the devastation would have been so much worse.

My daughter is walking around the house as I’m writing this singing ‘Roar’ by Katy Perry. It made me smile. She’s been listening to me sing it as I run and she bikes beside me. She looked at me and said “That’s your favorite song right mommy?”

“Right now? Yeah baby girl. Mommy is going to Roar…”

Hope Debt Update – end of June, 2020

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The girls and I leave today for a week in Texas. We are all very excited to get away and see family. This will be Beauty’s first flight, first trip to Texas so that makes it even more exciting.

My parent’s neighborhood pool opened this past week, with restrictions, but it will give us something to do while we are in town. Our plan is to steer clear of most other public places to minimize the risk to ourselves and my parents as much as we can.

I thought I would pop in with a end of June debt update…so without further preamble, I will let the numbers speak for themselves.

Creditor
Original Debt
Last Update
Current Balance
Interest
Min. Payment
Student Loan #1$17,000.00$11,674.48$8,993.602.88%$0
Student Loan #2$21,750.03$19,561.92$19,536.552.88%$0
Honda HRV$21,200.00$17,631.11
$17,335.273%$250
Total$59,950.03$48,867.51$250
Now as for my budget, I had planned to work on a new one, but there are just too many variables right now. Kids moving in and moving out, staying or not staying and so on. So I’ve decided to wait until August to try to nail things down…

Bot the twins are saying they are planning to move out at the end of the summer…but I am not confident that is really going to happen. And I’m still not sure if Gymnast will live here or return to his dad’s. This flux is hard for me, I am a planner, big time. But I’m learning to just breathe and go with the flow.

The kids are learning that they have to tell me if they are going to be here for dinner though. I’ve stopped cooking every day because so often I would cook and then I’d be the only one here for dinner. It became very frustrating.

Isolation, Independence Kids and School

Overall, this isolation continues to be good for my debt payoff. I am working 10-12 hours most days. My days are mostly uninterrupted since the 4 kids at home are relatively independent and mobile.

Sea Cadet, History Buff and Princess all pitch in to make sure Beauty gets to work and home. And when the girls aren’t working or studying, they spend their free time together skateboarding, a new hobby for both of them, at local parks or crafting around the house.

Georgia’s governor has declared that schools will re-open this fall. I’m not sure how that will look as far as restrictions go. But Princess school anticipates students returning to campus mid-August. We are waiting to hear what Beauty’s school plans to do.