by Claire
My Aunt passed away yesterday. She was a month shy of her 80th birthday. This is the same Aunt that I had to put in a nursing home in October of last year. Her passing is somewhat sudden–she seemed to be doing well in the last few weeks. Her health had certainly been declining but I can’t say we anticipated her death to happen now.
The emotional aspect for me is, of course, just starting to unfold. As I’ve said before–this is an Aunt I met only about 10 years ago and she and my Dad (her brother) have never been close. The family dynamics were such that he left home at 16, joined the military and had a very distant relationship with his family of origin, at best. I am sad for the way my Aunt had to spend the last years of her life—estranged from her children for reasons I know nothing about. All I know is she missed them and talked about them often–and my parents and siblings did what we could to comfort her when she was lonely and sad.
My sister was able to get in touch with our cousin–by accident really–as she had not responded to my emails and voice mail messages. She made it in from out of state on Memorial Day and was with her Mom when she passed–although she wasn’t aware her daughter was in the room. I am glad she was able to be with her Mom but I still have a lot of frustration and resentment for the years she did nothing! Not even a phone call to check on her mother…I don’t get that! And although I KNOW I am not to judge I still have so many questions. Add to this the conflict that was created within my own family–between me and my sisters and my mom because of the nursing home decision…and…well…I admit it…I am bitter.
The current dilemma I am facing is this: My Dad called me last night and said that my cousin wants us all to go to dinner tonight. I don’t know if I have it in me folks! Gosh I know I SHOULD just move on but I am not there yet! As I both think about the last 5 years of time and energy that I put into this entire situation….and then the inevitable additional work I am facing b/c my cousin won’t do it…and then the fact that my sister so disagreed with the nursing home decision (although she offered no other solutions) that she hasn’t spoken to me since Thanksgiving (which we have never done…gone without speaking, that is)…and the drama it created with my own mother who also disagreed with the nursing home decision and had to face her own mortality in a very dramatic fashion…good grief! How do I sit and enjoy a meal with this woman who is essentially a stranger to me? And a stranger that I am obviously upset with! How do I sit there and hold my tongue? The ONLY reason I would even consider it is my Dad asked me to go…and I know he doesn’t want to go either so I should be there to support him if nothing else. I need to make a decision in the next few hours as I just left my Dad with a “I’ll let you know” on the phone last night. I also don’t want to start additional drama and instead think I should just lay low. Her last arrangements were pre-planned and she did not want a service so it isn’t like we will have a funeral to get through…ugh ugh ugh.
Thanks for reading this venting session!
Born and raised in Texas. I’ve at least driven through every state in the US courtesy of a roadtrip loving Dad.
I’m single with two children and a good parenting relationship with their father.
I am a “life is just half full of funny” kinda gal. Humor is my saving grace and I am thankful for it every single day. I have a strong Catholic faith and am thankful for that foundation.
I read a lot for a living but still enjoy a good book. I love biographies but in recent years have found the need for fun fictional books–sadly, for a long time I just didn’t enjoy fiction!
I love live theatre of any kind–from local productions to Broadway.
I love to scrapbook and pride myself in my kids’ albums.
I love being a mom but also love my career. I’m blessed to have found a balance allowing me to be at everything my kids need and want me to be at–while also having a career.
Favorite Quotes: Well behaved women rarely make history.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -James Bryant Conant
Go to the dinner! For your Dad, for your cousin, as an example for your children, and eventually, if not now, for yourself! You are not responsible for your cousin’s bad behavior and, as you said, you still don’t know the whole story of what caused her rift with her mother. You have shown remarkable strength in handlling the situation thus far. I think at some time in the future you would be disappointed with yourself if you chose a time of loss to be dismissive. It’s is just dinner and your Dad has asked this favor of you. Take the high road!
Sandra
I agree, Sandy. Claire, go to the dinner. You may end up getting answers to questions that you have, and if you don’t, I still think it’ll be easier to gain closure for this whole situation after this meal. Think of it as your own Last Supper, of sorts. Really, this is the last time you’ll have to deal with this person who happens to be related to you.
Claire — go to dinner. It won’t be easy, but you’re setting an example for your children. You may never know the full extent of why the family dynamics are what they are, but life is too short to spend time being bitter about a situation that you can’t change. Go to dinner.
Last month my grandfather passed and all his kids (including my mom) and their spouses and the grandkids (most of us in our 20s/30s got together. We have had all sorts of complicated dynamics and various estranged or strained relationships, and doing dinner together was way better than any of us could have dreamed! I went into in survival mode and came out grateful. I’m glad I did it! I’m not sure how much I’ll see of some relatives in the future, but I’m glad for this to be the new note we’re on; it doesn’t change everything about the past, but it makes me much more at peace with everything.
Totally agree with Sandy. You go to support your father and demonstrate good faith. It’s an opportunity to learn about what happened from your cousin’s perspective and this could be the catalyst that starts the healing of the broken relationships.
As hard as it will be, go. This may be the cousin’s way of mending fences… Who really nows? Try to see it as a chance to move on and start healing. While it may not help much, keep in mind that aging, death, and grief make people behave badly. This may be what caused your sister, mother, and cousin to act the way they did.
I am so sorry you are going through, this, however. I completely understand your resentment and hurt.
I can see it both ways. I haven’t talked to my sister in about 5 months. The last time I saw her was at Christmas, and that ended with both her and her husband screaming at me. Honestly, this has been a blessing. There has been absolutely zero drama in my life.
I think you should go – to support your dad and maybe for a little bit of closure for yourself. If you go and are quiet and listen to what your cousin and family members say you may see a whole different side….there’s always two sides to every story.
If something makes you uncomfortable, say so and then calmly leave. You can’t control others, but you can control how you interact with them.
“Take the high road” is always good advice.
my family has had a similar situation and the only thing i can say is you have to let go of the bitterness and resentment – because it doesn’t hurt anybody but you!
you don’t have to go to dinner either, but you have to let go of your expectations of others. you can’t control them and they will always disappoint you. if you have no expectations you can’t be disappointed.
Wow, I’m surprised at the number of people who think you should go to this dinner. My first question is, why are you going OUT to eat instead of eating in? Isn’t that just a manipulative little setup, or is it just me seeing that?
I’m totally with you on this, Claire, and would have a very hard time facing dinner too.
I guess this boils down to your relationship with your dad. Did you really talk to your father about what he expects to get out of the dinner? Because once you know that you might be able to have some ground rules set up (at least ones that your dad is aware of).
Secondly your sister needs to grow up. Seriously. Does your dad understand that situation, specifically? (I know how dad’s can be about these things, they think it just works itself out on its own…)
When you say you have a lot of work left to do, I assume you mean wrapping up the estate. Are you really the only responsible person in this family? The daughter won’t do it?
Okay, now I’m really agitated too here.
Maybe if you have the estate information started, you could assign some jobs to people at this dinner. Turn it into a work meeting and just separate the emotional aspect out of it. Maybe that’s just weird, but honestly I’d be tempted to do that. If you have all the responsibility and none of the power you are in a very bad place. If that is not just my read on this from your blog post. You maybe should start to work toward fixing that. This dinner seems soon to be working on that given the emotional level is still high, but maybe it’s one use of the meal. Act like the hard-nosed CEO if you are going to be given all the work and decisions, otherwise you will get swamped by the griping.
Everything has been said so I won’t encourage you either way…just make sure you let us know what you do :-).
Update: My mom called about an hour ago to let me know that my cousin can’t drive at night so I’ll need to drive to them about an hour away. It was then that I realized that this isn’t my cousin wanting to get us together! It is my mom hoping for a kumbaya moment! So I asked my mom and she sidestepped the question. My mom is a peacemaker by nature and please don’t get me wrong–it isn’t like this cousin and I were close and this situation created an overtly hostile situation. It didn’t. She simply did nothing and replied to nothing for the last 5 years. It isn’t like this dinner would re-establish a close friendship. The set up as it is sounds like a recipe for disaster. Both of us not wanting to be there and perhaps being brought together under false pretenses? I didn’t get to talk to my dad yet and maybe I am being petty with seeing this one last “refusal” by her (can’t drive at night) as more of the same…but that’s where I am currently at!
Excellent reminder Jen—as someone says, death and dying bring out the extremes in people…the good and the bad!
emmi–it sounds now like this dinner is going to happen at my parents’ house. This further agitates me b/c my parents aren’t in good health either! My mom will be running around exhausting herself serving my cousin who is all too happy to be waited upon.
As for wrapping things up–I took some time to think before I answered your question and yes, I am the only one in town responsible enough to get all of this done. My only local sibling would end up dumping most of it on my parents or just not getting it done making it come back around to me anyway—but then it would be a complete mess and I’d have more work. I also have some power in the sense that I already handled everything before her passing and have things about 80% done. I am almost done with the logistics of all of this really…so I guess I just need to wrap it up and move on.
Truly–as to my cousin–out of sight, out of mind. It isn’t like I walk around thinking bad thoughts about her. I don’t really have any thoughts about her until she appears which obviously hasn’t been very frequently.
Stephanie–boy can I relate to this comment! You don’t realize until the drama is removed from your life just how taxing it was on you!
I am sorry to hear about this sad story, Claire – your aunt’s passing and the messy family situation. Do what you need to do to keep yourself sane. I hope you are able to get through this and I hope your disgruntled family members will grow a softer heart toward the whole situation. Sending good thoughts your way.
Claire, Why is your sister upset with you about the nursing home decision? What was the alternative?
Barb–in my opinion, it is a matter of emotional denial. I think nursing homes are very scary places to people and many people don’t ever want to have to put a loved one in a nursing home. I also think that facing reality is very difficult for some people and that is what is at play in this situation. It is absolutely awful to have to leave a loved one in the care of others…but the reality of the situation is there comes a time that the situation is too much for family to handle in a home setting. So, in short…my take on my sis is that she got stuck in that emotional place of not wanting to use a nursing home and could not move forward. When my Aunt was in her right mind she said this is exactly why she asked me to handle this stuff….because she saw in me the ability to act when others wouldn’t.
Just a quick update—I opted out of the dinner. While it was mainly because I just didn’t see any real value in attending having determined this wasn’t really my cousin’s idea–I also had childcare issues. Steve is out of town on business and since the children do not know this cousin at all…I wasn’t willing to take them to dinner with her and open up a whole bunch of questions. Some of you may be right–that very soon I may regret this decision but if that happens I will have to hang on to the fact that it was the right decision in this moment for me and my family. Thanks so much for the encouragement! And as a reminder…have these tough talks with your family now about your elder care! You just never know what the future will bring! 🙂
I think that it would be theraputic for you to focus more about what you have accomplished. You should be proud of yourself. You have taken on what others would not or could not deal with. Try to focus on that, rather than on the shortcomings of others. I think that may be the path to happiness when it comes to family!
Good For You!!
My Grandmother just passed and there is just drama drama drama on that side of the family. After TRYING for SIXTY years, I think my mom is celebrating the end of contact with that side of the family. Seeing that whole situation, there is no way in heck I would go to that dinner. Not surprising that a third party would be involved in trying to simplify years of heartache and drama into one kumbayah moment. Kind of what has been tried with my family. Forget it.
I don’t agree that sucking it up and setting an example is a right thing to do. Certainly not without at least a little time and space to grieve and let feelings settle.
I still think I made the right decision on not going last night. After sharing my frustration and confusion about the situation via the blog, I really did feel better! I don’t think anything she could have said to me would have undone the ripple effect on my life of her decisions. I do not carry around heaviness about the situation but like you say here…at some point you have to accept the reality and live with it on the best terms.
This was an interesting change in perspective for me, as I haven’t talked to my father, or anyone else on that side for about 11 years now. I’m also sure that the family on his side doesn’t understand why, nor does he for that matter. But looking back now, it was absolutely the right decision for me. There are some things I got from my father, but for the most part, I am who I am in spite of him rather than because of him.