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by Hope

I want to write about my hurt and my anger. I want to write about how unfair things are. But I can’t. I can’t write about something that would disparage someone else. I can’t write about my feelings because I’ve been told not to let how one is treated vs me to affect me by the person who’s done it.

I can’t cause division. I can’t stand up for myself. I can’t tell my story, my side.

And on the flip side, when someone disparages me, in front of them all, I just have to take it. I’m stuck and I hate it. I’m hurting and I’m trying to be a better person. A bigger person. And I think I’m succeeding. But it’s so hard to swallow. My faith and some wonderful friends are holding me up.

Yes, those of you who have read me hear probably know this is about family. About…well, that’s enough. That’s the life I’m leading right now. Trying to be the daughter I want to be. Being the outsider in my sibling group.

And being stuck because of my terrible decisions with money.

So what does that mean…

Finances

I have committed to staying with my dad until he no longer needs me. At this point, we (the family) have agreed that he cannot live alone. This is due to health, memory, and mental health. With that being determined and my availability, I am the best fit. And I’m fine with that.

We have also had conversations around what should happen if he needs full time care and/or upon his death. It has been agreed that I would be able to remain in the house for 1 year as we ready it for sale.

So the pressure to move or be able to move is there, but not imminent. If that makes sense. But I have to get my financial ducks in a row for that possibility.

Income

Here is my exact income from this summer for my primary income source, my contract work which I’ve done for 20+ years now.

It’s growing but slow. I am currently in the running for an almost full time long term contract, which will put me at capacity. And I’ve got several existing clients who are considering me for additional work.

Please note that Upwork takes 15% of this and then approx. 30% is set aside for taxes, etc.

Priorities

My grief and overwhelm have been hard hitting. You will know me as a planner who sets goals. And while I fail at them most of the time. I’m having a hard time even thinking of those goals now. But here is a short list of what I’m prioritizing financially.

1. Buy land – I’ve begun to search in earnest for land I can afford. Cash! Looking all over the southern part of the US for 3+ acres. Goal is to keep it less than $50K.
2. Keep paying minimum on debt as I save until my income reaches $6K per month.

The Future is Unknown

I am in a stable place for now.

When it’s time for me to move on, I want to be ready. And I have determined that I will NEVER go into debt again. EVER. Since I went cash only this past spring after I took a Dave Ramsey class, I’ve been really good with my money.

The land will be my forever. I plan to homestead – build my own small house. Have chickens. A big garden. And hopefully, board dogs…a small kennel.

That’s where I am today.