by Hope
I spent the bulk of the month of July alone. The kids were at camp. I work from home. It was very quiet and it was really good for me.
Those who have been following me here at BAD know the last 4 years have been exceptionally hard. Significant loss of income, several moves, kids moving out. It has been hard.
When I met with a counselor recently to discuss, well, we went back 15 years…she immediately brought up PTSD. Not the night sweats and violent outbursts from the movies, although, I’m sure I’m guilty of those. But moreso, the extreme stress and continually being in reactive mode versus proactive.
It was an eye opening conversation. And I’ve had a lot to think about the last few weeks.
Single Income Household
As a result, I’ve done a lot of digging around on single moms and money, even wrote this post over the KidsAintCheap.com. My editor would say it’s a hot mess, but in reality that research was a jumping off point for a lot of eye opening moments for me.
It really made me realize that I have been in “emergency” mode for lack of a better term for most of the last 11 years since I became a single mom. And probably even further back then that as my ex-husband hit me for the first time 1 week after we married in the fall of 2002.
While researching single income families, from the positive side of things, it made me realize I was just thrown into this life. There was no preparation or working up to it as so many of the experts of single income families recommend. It was just thrust upon me.
And since then, I’ve been reacting to every new emergency, decision, move or change with no thought to planning. I know you are probably saying, well duh, Hope, but this realization has been so eye opening for me.
Financial Self Realizations
It has also been very helpful to know that I am not alone in my struggle. Seriously, do you know how many times I hear about other single mom’s who father-in-law bought them a house to live in after the split or whose parents stayed close to help out? My experience has been quite the opposite, I have truly been alone in this since day 1.
Statistics from Single Mother Guide
And as qualified as I am for work and as focused as I have been on getting work, well, it’s much easier than it seems. I think between typical W2 jobs and contract jobs including those through Upwork and Guru, I have probably applied for upwards of 500 jobs in the last 5 months alone.
But look at these statistics, over 1/3 of moms in my same position are struggling. And worse than that, the mothers like me are raising over 25% of children under 18. This is a problem.
A Plan is Forming
I am still digging out of my head and all these new realizations and thoughts. And I’m also still digging into what it means to be a single income family. Not from the poverty, whoa is me, single mom point of view, but from the this is the choice I want to make, what do I do.
It’s just a change in perspective. And even though I’m starting late, I’m embracing this choice, this single income life. And now I need to catch up from the last 11 years of being reactive and start being proactive.
Warning: questions forthcoming…
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Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 5 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
Dear Hope,
Thanks for opening up.
Glad you’ve found a counselor to talk to.
So sorry to hear about the abuse that has occurred.
Be proud of yourself for addressing those experiences and struggles.
Seems like you are making steps in the right direction. All the best for your journey.
Stay strong
There is a great book called The Body Keeps the Score that you might enjoy that digs into a lot of this. It’s great that you are having a lightbulb moment. I wish you luck!
Glad you are getting some help. All problems aren’t financial, but underlying problems can create financial ones. Focus on the future and where you want to be, and not where you were. Looks like you are on a good path.
It’s good to realize that and will help you. I was in that same mode for many years, when my DH was self employed, then he got sick and lost his business. It’s so hard to make good decisions, about anything in your life, when you are in constant crisis mode. I hope things improve for you!
I can relate – I’m a single mom as well. Ive not met many of us who were prepared for this life or got rescued by parents who stayed close by. For awhile, it was survival mode. And the thing is that it can stay survival mode until you realize that you have a choice.
One of the best things I did was decide I wasn’t going to let what happened me decide the rest of my life. So I chose to get myself out of debt, take charge over my career and pursue my dreams while being the best mom to my son.
Once you realize the one thing holding you back is you, you are unstoppable. You got this.
I LOVE this…”One of the best things I did was decide I wasn’t going to let what happened me decide the rest of my life.” and realizing that I am the one holding myself back…
I just hate that it’s taken me so long to get to this place.
I’m so glad to hear that you have overcome and are doing you! Keep it up, mama! We need more inspirations like that…the research on single moms and money, and kids raised by single moms is dismal. There has to be a way to turn the tide!