by Hope
My parents have been in town for over a week. The primary purpose of their trip is for my mom to see her mom. But seeing us is a close second, at least in my mind.
At the end of the first week, my dad took pity of me and offered to buy me a new dryer. I said “yes and thank you.” My new dryer will be delivered and installed later this week.
It was not easy to say yes. But I have learned that accepting help from others is not a sign of weakness, but rather it’s way of expressing gratitude. I know I won’t explain this well, but essentially when the most terrible of times hit us several years ago with the loss of our house and then the loss of my job, I found a devotional that essentially said, “you don’t know who God will send to you in your time of need” and not accepting unsolicited help is an affront to God.
That was a really hard pill to swallow. Really hard. Because I am definitely known for my pride. But, over the last several years, I have seen this time and time again. People just appear in our lives, our needs have been met without us asking. And it brings me to my knees with gratitude and thankfulness and “proof” that my God is all-knowing and all-seeing.
So I don’t want to get all preachy, preachy, but we have been truly blessed by this gift.
Funny Story
What’s funny is that he ordered it from Lowes which is about 45 minutes away from us. We got a great price and better yet, free delivery and installation. Wow, that saves me a huge headache!
I thought we would get one from Home Depot which is literally 2 miles from my house. But while they had some similar items and prices, the delivery was $73 and installation would have been more than that.
It’s insane to me that they are not more competitive. But Lowes for the win and I am so grateful.
Side Note
My mom asked my dad why he didn’t just wait for Christmas. (I’ve been helping her prepare for Christmas, at least for the Georgia family this week so Christmas was on her mind.) And he looked at her and said “do you remember when you had 5 kids at home? Would you have wanted to go 3 months without a dryer?” She immediately responded with a “no way!” It was all in fun. And I’m grateful we can laugh about it. But I know it’s yet another sign that my mom’s disease is changing her.
We’ve actually had lots of “funny” moments with my mom. I am really glad they came and that we are getting the chance to make these memories.
Since my parents have decided to stay at least through this week, we decided to not go to Florida for the kids’ break. We may still do something fun, but we are going to stick closer to home as I want to cherish every moment I can with my parents. I know how blessed I am to have them here.
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 5 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
My question is how did your parents know your dryer was dead. How did your uncle even know you needed a car? I know of no family members who would gift me these things.
My parents are here visiting. Our washer and dryer are run at least 1-2x per day with 6 of us using it. So they have witnessed the frustration and the running around to the laundry mat or hanging things everywhere to dry.
As for my uncle, he knows car dealers…so I asked him to help me find a car in my budget.
Enjoy your visit. I hope you have a little more compassion when your older sons need help now.
It’s not a lack of compassion. It’s frustration in regards to his priorities and how he uses his resources.
But when someone chooses to spend their resources on video games over food, car maintenance, etc. the desire to help or support fades.
But he is grown and now he is living on his own. Now I’m just waiting on him to spend some time and money on repairing his car which has now been sitting in my front yard for two weeks. (The landlord has been gracious but I’m sure that is coming to an end as well.)
But couldn’t someone say the same for you? Spending your resources to pay for a trip rather than to buy a new dryer?
Yes, I could have for sure and per most post about the dryer, was in the process of researching dryers, prices and still looking for used options. I did not ask my dad for this gift.
Hope, to an outside observer you have recently prioritized financial decisions like multiple vacations, buying a late model car, and driving your daughter an hour to and from school every day (when bussing was available) over building your retirement fund or paying down debt. Of course you have your reasons and justifications for these choices, but to an outside observer it may appear that your priorities are out of order as well.
Vacations? Going to my parents is not what I would consider a vacation. Nor do I EVER take off work. So if you mean working from different locations a vacation…well, yes, I am able to do that and do take advantage of it. This two day trip to the beach would have been a real vacation…well, I would still have worked.
And you are right, I do prioritize spending on my kids education, reliable transportation and such. The difference is that I make sure “home” is taken care of before I spend money on extras. And if I don’t have the money for extras, I barter for them if I can, etc. And I realize that’s a maturity thing, but as 1 of 5 children, at age 22, we were all pretty independent and would never have expected our parents to pay for our basic living while we spent all our money of “extras.”
If you choose to take work with you while you travel, that’s on you. It also just means you work while on vacation.
If I was your dad I would be frustrated watching you take the kids on vacation to the beach and act like buying your own dryer is an issue. You are frustrated watching your sons waste money. You want to teach them a lesson by making them stand in their own two feet. Teach them a lesson by not being rescued by your dad. Thank him for his generous offer and pay for your dryer
Ha, he is not frustrated with how I used my resources. We talk extensively about my financial decisions.
And I never acted like buying a dryer was an issue, the logistics of getting one to my house and installed, well, that is an issue. He wanted to give this gift.
If only you gave your own children the same grace.
Your words were he took pity on you. Does that feel good?
In the past your dad has been frustrated with you. What exactly went south about the house he purchased for you to live in and then pulled you out of? Is the dryer and subsequent gifts going to be used against you at some point. Pay him for the dryer and don’t accept someone’s pity when it is not needed
Hope-
You are financially able to purchase a dryer for yourself, so you should have done so. Delaying the purchase and then accepting it from your Dad when he “happened to witness how difficult it is for you to be without one,” while simultaneously planning a weekend away at a hotel is no different than your boys prioritizing video games over car maintenance and then hoping you will step in to help.
You have so much disdain for the way they are managing their money in the earliest stages of adulthood, yet you model the same behaviors in your late 40s. Time for you to take your own advice and grow up financially.
Using scripture to justify your poor choices is really sad.
Again, I was not delaying, I was just not rushing. We had work arounds in place and I wanted to make a wise financial decision.
I am perfectly capable of buying my own dryer.
Someone asked how my parents knew about our dryer situation…
Then why did your Dad “take pity on you?” If my parents came to visit and I didn’t have a functioning dryer (first of all, I wouldn’t because I would have had it replaced within three days) I would just explain that I was in the process of purchasing one. There would be no need for them to even consider the idea of “gifting” me one out of “pity.”
The fact that your Dad made a big ticket purchase for you out of pity when you are a grown woman in your forties is a big red flag. Obviously, you’ve made some good progress financially over the past few years…but maybe not as much as you think you have in terms of your emotional relationship with money? I bet if you are truly honest, there was at least a little part of you that hoped that by seeing you struggle with the laundry for several days that your Dad would offer to buy you a dryer.
You may not have even been aware of it at the time…but some honest reflection may shine some light on the situation if you’re willing.
I’m going to disagree with you here.
With our dryer limping along, drying costing $0.07 at the laundry mat and it being perfect weather outside to hang things…I was taking my time to find the best deal for the best dryer.
I don’t think his purchase was out of pity, it was a father, giving his daughter a gift. It’s just how my dad and his parents before him operated. And I’m one of five children, we are all very blessed with his generosity. He’s very practical with is giving, so he likes to meet needs versus just desires. I guess I’m the same way.
Then you need to be more precise in your writing. You literally wrote that he “took pity on you.”
Your own post said he took pity on you.
You wanted to take the time to get the best deal on a dryer, but the moment that your father offered to pay for one you jumped on it. If you have your 10K emergency fund, a $500 dryer should have been no big deal. Instead, as another person pointed out, you waited for your dad to see the situation and more than likely in the back of your mind hoped he would fix for you. He came to you rescue once again, while you were planning to go away. You made your 2 day vacation more important than buying a new dryer.
Do you not see the hypocrisy in your own actions?! You complain that your kids need your help. “The bank of mom” had to pull out $800 to fix a car. That you expect that to be paid back to you. Yet, you’re ok with The bank of dad dishing out more money to the woe is me Hope fund.
I think there is shady stuff here. If she had the money she wouldn’t have had her dad pay for it. Smoke and Mirrors.
I think they get as much or more joy giving as you do receiving. I always accepted gifs from my Mom. My wife said, why are you taking that when she has less than we do? But it provided her joy to give to us and our kids. I think she enjoyed giving more than having the money spent on things for herself. She was truly a blessing. Enjoy that dryer.
Thank you for understanding this perspective.
I personally would have been more upset if the trip to Florida had taken place – stop leaving the state in a pandemic for the love of pete! But again, not my life.
I am sure your dad rolled in, took one look at your alternate clothes drying methods and said no thanks – L O L. Cannot say I blame him. A nice gift, and you can keep the $$ in the emergency fund
There were plenty of years when air drying was the norm. I don’t think it was an issue for him. Not to mention, we/he has access to the dryer at my grandmother’s house if needed.
Sorry if this comes across as attacking but is so strange how you cannot see any comparison between yourself in this situation and the twins. You should think about doing some self reflection and really trying to be less defensive in actually reading these comments. As a person who has background in social work, you should have some insight and be able to think in less “black and white” and be able to see the gray in life.
Hope,
You have an emergemcy fund. You were in the middle of planning a trip out of state. Your dryer was “limping around”. I am an advocate of line drying also but to accept a gift from someone else when you have the income to replace the appliance is questionable. You stated that people appear when you least expect it to help make needs met. You are fully able to make your own needs met when it comes down to replacing a broken appliance. That is why folks have an emergency fund in place.
You stated that the logistics of getting a dryer to the house and installed was an issue. I don’t understand how this is an issue. When folks buy an appliance there is often a delivery and installation fee that we pay to get this added on to the appliance. Your “issue” was resolved quickly by another adult who made a few phone calls that you could or may have made in the past few days. You also stated that you could use your grandmother’s dryer. Why would you want to use someone else’s appliance when you could have just ordered one and had it paid from your emergency fund (from once you noticed it started “limping around”) and paid to get it delivered and installed?
So at age 22 and up until now being in your 40’s you have never expected your parents or anyone else to pay for basic living expenses while you spent your money on extras? You have had help so many times in the past.
Geez people – relax!!!
Hope was taking her time researching dryers. Her dad saw a need and gifted her one. That’s it. No ulterior motives or hidden agendas. Just a dad being generous.
Not everything has to be a fight!
I think some of the animosity is because Hope has said that she is making better money than she ever has and has a $10,000 emergency fund and has accepted help\a gift from her dad. Meanwhile her two older boys are likely making under \around $15 an hour and struggling financially to become adults and she seems to think they should not need help\ or gifts and that they should just learn to budget better.
Now mind you we don’t know that Grandpa hasn’t also offered to help the twins generously either. We only see snapshots of what occurs. That being said, some of us may be thinking of History Buff with a non functional car trying to get to work at Home Depot or Sea Cadet who now has a loan from the “Bank of Mom” because his car broke down and feel sympathy and empathy for these youngsters. Having to pay out money for things like car maintenance on a limited income is never fun. Some probably have wondered why their mom hasn’t offered them the same level of help or gifting she has been given if she is indeed in better shape financially then she ever has been.. The obvious answer is she isn’t her dad(and even financially she has done little to secure her own financial future so financially she isn’t probably where he is either in terms of “gifting”) )However, that is not going to stop the criticism that perhaps Hope should be less critical of 22 year old young adults and adamant that they should be more financially independant when she has generously been the recipient of help and gifts herself at almost twice their age. People aren’t going to ignore the irony of telling the 22 year old twins they should stand on their own feet and be financially independant while being almost twice their age and still accepting help and gifts that financially benefit her from dad. Life just doesn’t work that way.
I find it interesting that the $1,000ish that I spent to help the twins move and get settled in their apartment is not ever mentioned. Nor that I have loaned one of the twins a substantial amount to get his car running. There is a balance and a limit to the help or gifting I am will doing to do.
And you are right, you only see a snapshot…but as many BAD readers have pointed out…I must stop speaking of the twins and their choices. So you are hearing my side. And not all my reasoning as it would expose the twins’ information.
But you are right to assume…my father is generous with my kids as well.
Cwaltz – yep, 100%. It’s not just the irony but also the hypocrisy, contradiction, misplaced priorities, and lack of self awareness. And who knows, maybe that car is still sitting in the driveway because the twin is ‘’just not rushing me and ‘taking time to figure it out’.
I would really like to defend myself but then I would be writing about the twins’ decisions and money. And two be too defensive.
But believe me, the truck is sitting in my front yard, the yard itself because he has made no effort whatsoever to move it. And it’s not just an issue for me but also for my landlord.
If your son does work at home depot doesn’t he get a discount, mine did at Lowes. In fact at our store if you spend over a certain amount for an appliance they deliver and remove old appliance for free. I guess we are different, if I had a dryer not working and was doing that much laundry, I wouldn’t spend lot of time deciding on a dryer.
He does and there is no discount. And he (History Buff) and I had been looking there, but were unable to find the right price + the right brand + the right capacity + good reviews. Not to mention, he has the know on which brands are able to get service up here via warranty. Evidently, that’s a big deal here in this tiny town.
My old dryer was commercial grade, 7.3 cu foot capacity Whirlpool. So I really was looking for someone to repair it, but after several dead ends…
Anyways, we settled for slightly smaller Whirlpool and after a day of using it. I am quite pleased.
I support Hope on this one. I make good money and my parents still buy me big ticket things. I don’t talk about this much but my parents can afford it and my whole family on both sides is very generous with each other. My parents give me one or two gifts a year in this price range and they are always things I need. They say it gives them joy to do so and I believe them. I don’t ask for anything and I am very grateful.
But you haven’t published multiple posts to the internet (that are still up BTW) in which you relate generous help from your father to a power move used to gain control over your decisions. Whether that is true or not, Hope just gave up the boundaries she previously placed in order to score a free dryer. A dryer that she could have bought with her own money, with no real financial effects, because she has been able to build up an emergency fund just for times like this.
So, no, I don’t see it as just a big gift from parents. You can’t go on ranting about how your dad helping you financially is a power move and how he has screwed you over with money and then continue to go on and accept help when you don’t need it. This could have been a really prideful moment of Hope exclaiming she’s got it covered without his help.
Ranting? I don’t think explaining what is going on is ranting. And that was years ago, years and years ago. Lots of conversation, lots of healing and forgiving, lots of changing. Lots of regrets and learning on both parts.
My dad gave me a gift, I accepted. I don’t know why it has to be more or less than that.
So how is your debt payoff coming along, Elizabeth?
Has the current crisis have any effect on your progress?