Written on Tuesday…
For the first time EVER in my life, I had to meet with someone and tell them I could not take care of my family. I had to go to the same building that I visited so many times as a foster parent and later adoptive parent full of pride that I was doing something to give back, something good and right, and admit that I was a failure. I had to look at a woman in the eye and in essence say “I’ve failed to prepare for this situation by not saving and by using my money un-wisely.” It was the worst feeling EVER.
And what a lesson. I hate this situation. I hate that my decisions brought me here. I cringe at admitting what a failure I am. But if the last year and then have taught me anything, it’s that I AM going to do better.
In no way shape form or fashion am I making excuses, but the one thing that helped me get through this morning while I was turning in shot records, leases, bank statements to what turned out to a extremely compassionate worker was that this is temporary. I will get another job. I will choose more wisely where my career path takes me. I will make better money choices, even better than the ones I have started to make. And more importantly, I WILL give back.
I do not deserve the support my community has given me and yet people have reached out offering Thanksgiving meals, help with Christmas and just words of encouragement. But I do know that when I am back on my feet, the first thing I am going to do is find someone who has entered a dark time and reach out to them as so many have to me.
I will find out in a few days if/what assistance we qualify for, and I’ve been told that I have 10 days after I get my first paycheck to report a change in status. I continue to seek the next step in this transition.
(And just a side note: I just completed my first of two phone interviews scheduled for today…and the second interview is scheduled for Friday. I am counting on God to steer me as I step out in faith to follow what He has for me next rather than what I would choose. Use me, send me…that is my prayer.)