by Hope
At the end of March I wrote about what turned out to be me jumping the gun AGAIN and applying for a house loan. In the weeks since that post, there have been lots of tears and self-reflection. LOTS! I honestly have no idea what the future holds in that regards…I know where my heart is, but it really has taken doors being slammed in my face to help me face reality regarding housing. What can I say, I’m hard headed, which has its blessings and its curses.
I’m not going to go into the psychological warfare that has been going on in my head these past weeks, but suffice to say that I have been through all the emotions, the whole grieving process. Feeling like a failure for getting us into this situation, grief at the death of a dream (at least for the time being,) anger at others who have contributed to me being in this situation, and more recently resolution. And facing the harsh reality.
But now I am here and face yet another housing decision. I am finally leaning in one direction, but nothing will be in stone until the end of July, so I’m looking for your opinions.
Here are the things I am considering as I consider our future housing (our lease in our 2 bedroom, 900 square foot apartment is over at the end of September:)
- Sleeping arrangements: Currently the twins share the master bedroom with ensuite and the two littles and I share the other bedroom with a hall bathroom. Little Gymnast is now of the age and maturity, that he does not need to room with us girls anymore. So this summer, in the next month, in fact, we are building two lofted beds and going to move him in with the twins. While their personalities are like oil and vinegar most of the time, my logic is that 1) the twins will be working a lot this summer so it will give him somewhere to go during the day; 2) other than me working in my bedroom, the kids are rarely in their rooms except to sleep and 3) it’s just time. I did not consult the kids on this decision, but it’s a “mom says” thing, but I have given them some time to process and get used to the idea. We are going to build the lofts as a family in the next month. In an ideal world, we would have at least 4 bedrooms, even 3 would be a vast improvement, but in our reality this is what we have to work with.
- Working space: It has been REALLY hard to stay focused in our little apartment which has often sent me out to get concentrated work time. This is fine except I do not have access to all my tools when I’m out and that again has been an issue. I am hoping that changing the sleeping arrangements will contribute to solving this issue, but for now I am craving a little privacy. In an ideal world, I would have an office or at least my own bedroom to office out of, but in our reality I office out of a shared bedroom with two children.
- A yard: In our current situation, we have no responsibilities as far as yard or exterior maintenance, and I have to say I LOVE it. We are just a few yards from a fenced in dog park and our patio opens onto a private shaded area for the kids to play. It’s not as easy as just opening the door for the dogs to go outside, but this is definitely a close second! In an ideal world, we would be able to open the door and let the dogs go out themselves, but reality is the trade off with having no yard work and easy dog care as we have it…well, I am content with things the way they are.
- Maintenance: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being able to call someone when something breaks in my apartment and they fix it…no CHARGE. Dishwasher on the fritz, fixed. Toilet/tub clogged, fixed. Drawer rails fall off, fixed. Oh, it is so nice to not have to worry about that type of maintenance. They even change my light bulbs and air filters at no charge. And don’t get me started on snow. The sidewalks were salted and shoveled, the parking lot scraped regularly and if I had any problems with my heat (which we didn’t) they would be here immediately. This is the ideal world as far as house maintenance goes!
- Location, location, location: If you know anything about real estate, then you know the name of the game is location. In our current location, we are literally within walking distance to everything we need on a day to day basis….twins’ jobs, grocery store, drugstore, shopping, restuarants, need I say more? While I would really like some privacy and woods and quiet, we could not be in a better location for our busy lives. And if we really wanted/needed, we could walk, but better bike to the kids homeschool co op, bank, move theatre, our church…
- The Kids: I don’t know if it’s because our place is so tiny or because the kids sense my shame or they maybe have their own shame, but the kids do not even ask to invite people over. And in our old house, EVERYONE was always at our house…all the time! You have no idea how terrible I feel about this and how sorry I am. But more and more I am coming to realize that this is my own pride and shame, and something I am continuing to deal with.
So as I read back through this list, you can probably guess which way I am leaning, but let me tell you what I see as my options at this point.
- Option 1: Stay where we are. I am hoping that with the room change and loft beds, the living conditions in general will improve. Don’t know that for sure, but it’s my goal and hope. I have checked with the office and while they will not give me an exact number until July, typically rents go up by 3%.
- Option 2: Get on a waiting list for a 3 bedroom apartment in the same location. If we moved before our lease was up, there would be a $400 transfer fee and the rent is at least a couple of hundred dollars more per month. Currently, there is a wait list for 3 bedrooms apartments so not sure when one would be available. It would essentially be the same floor plan we have now, except one of the rooms is significantly larger and with one more tiny room, big enough for 1 person. My thought is that if we did this, my daughter would move to the single, I would keep my own room and the three boys would share a larger room.
- Option 3: Find a rental home with at least 3 bedrooms. UGH! I have been looking at rentals via websites for the last couple of weeks, and let’s face it, the rental prices are more than the 3 bedroom apartment and without a bunch of the benefits I mentioned above. But I think psychologically I would feel better about where we are…a pride thing I’ve come to realize AND the kids would probably feel more comfortable inviting people over.
Options I have eliminated and why:
- Buying/building: That door got slammed in my face, and in hindsight it was probably for the best. So that dream/goal has been placed on an indefinite hold.
- Moving elsewhere: We live in a VERY expensive area. I would love to move somewhere with a lower cost of living. However, our lives are here. The twins biological family whom they visit every couple of weeks, a great gym for Little Gymnast, a great homeschool co op which I’ve committed to teaching at next year and so much more. It’s not the time to move, but perhaps since building and buying did not work out, this might be an option in the future. Just not something I will consider now.
And lastly, the pros and cons of each option including the money factor for the three options I am considering:
- Option 1: Staying put….Pros: lowest cost option on a month to month basis, our location is perfect, great maintenance, no moving costs. Cons: No yard for the dogs, limited space, really tight and sometimes uncomfortable sleeping arrangements, issues with kids having friends over.
- Option 2: Moving within complex….Pros: limited moving expenses, more bedrooms, great location, good set up for dogs. Cons: Not sure when one will be available, not sure how it would affect kids having friends over, at least 2-3 hundred dollars more per month.
- Option 3: Rental house…Pros: Could get more space, a fenced yard, neighborhood for kids to play in and find friends in, would assuage some of my guilt/psychological issues with apartment living. Cons: at least 3-4 hundred dollars per month, none of the maintenance perks I currently really enjoy, yard work, most likely not as good of a location for walking to day to day things so more driving for me to get twins to work, etc., could run into same issues I have now had with last 3 rental houses.
So I think I’ve put most everything out there with this housing post. What do you think? What would you do? I’m definitely starting to lean one direction. And I’m definitely still dealing with some of the emotional fall out of the housing debacle, but I am dealing and growing and healing, and I think that’s important. So please focus your comments on constructive guidance, it would be greatly appreciated!
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 5 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
Hi Hope,
I really admire you for being able to make the financially reasonable decision for now & putting the dream of building your own house on hold.
Have you put your name on the waitlist for the 3-bedroom appartment? If not, that’s what I would do at the moment. It sounds like you really like the location & the maintenance that comes with it.
With the bigger flat & more privacy, I’d assume your kids would be more comfortable inviting friends again. Have you talked to the kids about it? Are they now visiting those friends at their places?
Hi Kili,
I have not done anything in regards to the future decision, I am really just spending the time evaluating and feeling out my options as I wrap my head around it.
We are definitely spending more time meeting friends place rather than having them over to our place. And that works, especially as the weather warms up and we are within walking distance to a great park!
Not to be negative but whatever decision you come to think it through. You had to know how difficult it would be to have so many people share two bedrooms. Depending if you can afford it, try for the three bedroom apt. May give you just enough space so you are not on top of each other. Your older boys will need to understand thst they need to share even if they don’t get along with your younger son (not saying younger siblings aren’t a pain). I shared a bedroom with two sisters and we had to get along, no other choice. From this post you seem down, you are doing the best you can. Not every child has a perfect life, I assume you gave the older boys a better life so be pround what you have done so far. Things will get better, just takes time. Cheryl
Hey Cheryl,
You are right, I definitely need to think it through. I’ve really got until July to make any sort of decision so getting a jump on weighing my options gives me plenty of time!
I am not down, it has been a rough few weeks mentally for me. I think what started as an adventure and hopefully temporary situation of small space living becoming more of a long term reality was a harder adjustment than I anticipated. But I am in a good place now mentally and really open to seeing what should be next.
Thanks for your support!
Remember that this is NOT a long-term situation. Every month you are improving your debt situation, and your money handling skills. You will overcome the obstacles that are preventing you from living the life you want and you will do it yourself. It may take longer than the one year you initially envisioned, but it will happen. You are moving in the right direction every day.
Get yourself into a three bedroom (have you considered sharing the biggest room with your daughter, and splitting up the boys?) and enjoy a little time not dealing with the costs of homeownership while you get in a better position.
I know it may be hard to see this now, but you shouldn’t feel ashamed of living in a smaller space to live within your means. You should be proud of all the things you’ve been doing. You’ve freed yourself of the home/dad situation, moved to an apartment, that while small does have some great amenities and is in a wonderful location and you are living within your budget. And think of all the time and money you do get to save not taking care of lawn, snow removal, etc. That’s time and money that goes directly to your family. When you were getting ready for the move the kids were in it with you trimming down extra stuff etc. I’d think just having another conversation with them about the next steps may surprise you. Perhaps they haven’t even thought of having friends over. Does your complex have a pool or shared game room, something that they could have friends over to enjoy? I know when we recently moved out of town we bought a house that needed renovation, my daughter at first was so embarrassed by it, but now that we’ve been there and living in the middle of the renovation, she is over the embarrassment, and just wants to spend time with friends.
I’d say get on the waiting list for the three bedroom. That way if something does come up you’ve got that option. I’d imagine if there is a waiting list there would be no penalty if one did come up and you decided to stay put.
That’s true, Shauna, I will have to check to be sure there is no penalty if I decided not to move, good point!
I think the summer will be much easier as far as friends go because we do have a great pool and are just a block away from a huge community park. So here’s to warmer weather!
It costs extra money every time you move. I am not sure you and your family have lived in the apartment long enough for it to be normal. Having said that, it does sound as if the 3 bedroom solution is the way to go. It would give you a space in which to work with fewer distractions.
gloria-victoria,
You are so right regarding the cost of moving, even one so close. I am truly torn between the 3 bedroom option and staying put. I’m hoping that rearranging the the sleeping arrangements and lofting the beds so early will give us a good feel for how another year in this tiny space would work as opposed to moving to a more expensive 3 bedroom. Since I don’t have to make a decision til sometime in July, I think we are moving the right direction in making the change now to try it out.
Well, it sounds like either staying put, or moving to a 3-bedroom, is the way to go. What if you made getting on the waitlist for the 3-bedroom something you did as a reward for paying off your debt? You’re hoping to do that this summer or fall, right? So, that would prevent you from paying more housing money prior to dealing with the debt. Also, I agree with the above commenters: what’s wrong with living in a smaller space and/or apartment building in order to live within your means? If people are really judging you for that you don’t actually want to know them! Maybe my perspective is different here because I spent so long in NYC where you basically do whatever you have to in order to pay “affordable” rent — apartment living is the norm even for rich people, having roommates is also totally normal (even if you have a family with kids, folks will rent out a bedroom), and people who don’t know each other even agree to share bedrooms sometimes. Focus on what a good thing you’re doing for everyone by hunkering down and getting in a better financial situation — it is really the absolutely best thing you can do for your family. Everything else, better standard of living etc, can come later.
Yes, I do believe the “apartment shame” is something totally in my head. And something I am working on. I also believe that my kids’ views are greatly influenced by my own so I am working hard to come to terms and reality on this front.
Stay where you are and get on the list for a 3 bedroom. The pros far outweigh the cons. My husband and I moved from a “luxury” apartment to a more basic one – less space, slightly out. I know people wondered what was going on – the reality was we saved $1K a month, stopped paying for space we didn’t use and used the money to do what we love – travel. Use this time to just get some stability and save money.
Not being a parent, I can’t speak to any aspect of that, but I will say this. You feel shame and guilt about living in an apartment? Why? There’s nothing wrong with living in an apartment, whether single or a family of however many, other than missing space. So there is no shame in living in an apartment. There is nothing guilt-inducing about moving your kids into a place you can afford. And if you can act like you believe that, then your kids will believe it. And, eventually, so will you. That doesn’t mean you’ve resigned yourself to it, it just means you accept the reality for what it is, and quit giving it power over how you feel.
Make it as much of a home as the houses were, and it will be home, not just a temporary place until that time in the future when everything will be perfect again. Then, when the time comes that you have your house with acreage, that becomes home.
You’re doing good, Hope. Keep it up, and you’ll get where you want to be, or somewhere equally interesting. 😀
(forgot to add this above) I’d go for the 3-bedroom choice. More space, keep the other amenities, the extra cost is worth it until you’re ready to get into a house.
We live with 2 adults and 5 kids (2 of them twins) on 1100 sq ft. We have 5 bedrooms but they are really really small. But I have managed to make the kids feel proud about their small home rather than being ashamed, and as a consequence they tend to bring lots of friends. What really helped us/them with this was to be very creative with wood and paint and ensure that each room has ample room to sit down and be with your friends. That can be done in the smallest of bedrooms. So apart from putting your name on the 3 bedroom list (which I would do as soon as possible) why not become very active on the DIY front. Together with your children obviously! Let them choose the colours etc.
As an example: one of our bedrooms is painted in a combination of camouflage patterned greens, blackboard paint and fluorescent paint which lights up at night. Chosen by one of our sons. And he is still proud of his room. For the twins, who share a room, we have made two very distinct corners with their own colours and seating and storage possibilities.
Living in a small house can only be enjoyed by being creative. Once that creativity is used living on a small scale can be VERY rewarding.
Unless it costs money to add your name to the three bedroom list, I would do that now. There’s nothing to say that you have to make the move when one comes up. Perhaps by that time you’ll have figured out your space and will be content in two bedrooms.
Does the apartment complex have a variety of layouts or just a couple? I’ve lived in apartments before that were technically a one bedroom, but had “bonus” spaces that could be easily sectioned off with a bookcase or other piece of furniture. This worked well as an office nook.
yea, rental house doesn’t even sound like an option… think the 3 bed probably makes the most sense.
I’d agree with everyone else about the 3-bedroom. I will also say that I’ve been very impressed with you and your family’s adjustment. My boyfriend and I have a 1-bedroom 760 sq. ft. apartment with an 80 lb. lab and small cat. We’re also (hopefully) getting a german shepherd/husky puppy in the next few weeks. 2 people and 3 pets seems like a lot in our small place, so I really applaud all of you for making it work while you take care of your debts!
I would give a hard thought to how long you plan to live at the next place. Moving is expensive even within the same complex. Inevitably you will break some stuff, buy new stuff to fit the space better, and the apt complex will take more out of your deposit than you anticipate (esp with that amount of people/pets in a small space).
Nonetheless, I would check with the apt complex for their rules regarding move-in specials. When we moved to a larger apartment within the same complex since it was a new lease we were treated as new tenants. So you may again be eligible for the free month or whatever promotions they may be running at the time. If 3bdrooms are in high demand, I would branch out to comparison shop other apartment complexes again.
Very good points about the wait list and moving costs.
Oooh, move in specials, I hadn’t thought of that option, definitely something to check out!
https://www.bloggingawaydebt.com/2014/08/the-next-step/#comments
I also think that the 3-bedroom is probably the best longer-term solution.
I also think it’s worth doing a “lessons learned” type post-mortem, using the original post from last August as a starting point. (There were also a number of subsequent posts)
What I take away from revisiting that are:
1. A lot of the issues you now describe were predicted by the majority of commenters. You can actually see that I was not one of them as I gave you the benefit of doubt after reading your analysis of the situation. But, in hindsight, it seems that they were right. (I will say that I have at various times expressed the concern that you don’t seem to have the time/space to focus on work, but that’s a separate discussion.)
2. With all due fairness that hindsight is always the clearest, I believe that your answers to the concerns raised by these commenters are a good example of why some have said in various posts over the last several months that you can be “defensive” and “not receptive to advice”.
3. I would hope that regardless of whether you pick option 1 or 2 (3 is not a good idea in my opinion), you settle in for a little bit to amortize the costs of the move you made last Fall, and to stabilize your financial situation. You said a few posts ago that you’ve never had as much as $15,000 all at once; my suggestion/challenge to you would be to get up to at least twice that number before you consider a major housing change again.
Just my two cents!
Hi Joe,
You are certainly right that hindsight 20/20. However, I have to say, I truly have no regrets on the decisions I made this past fall including moving us to this tiny space. And if the sleeping re-arrangements are the success I anticipate they will be, I will move than likely opt to stay here rather than even going to a 3 bedroom.
But I am weighing all the options and have until July to make any firm decisions…so anything can happen, right?
Thank you for your thoughtful response, I certainly appreciate the perspective of those who have been along for this ride with me!
I’d opt for the waiting list. Of course, read the fine print 😉 For example, are you obligated to move when a 3 BR becomes available? Do you have to pay a fee to get on the list?
In the meantime you can check out the web for ideas about furnishing a small space. It could give you ways to make your apartment feel bigger, and it could also help you regain more floor space by suggesting better ways to arrange furniture, etc.!
As for the shame part – I think some of it may stem from the part of the country/state you live in. I get the sense it’s more suburban, so apartment living is seen as temporary or not as desirable as a single family home. IMO, that’s a crock, especially when you consider just how much MORE Americans have compared to the rest of the world, and that includes developed countries!! Plus, I think sharing a room with a sibling, even one you don’t get along with, helps you learn how to deal with other people.
Definitely get on the 3 bedroom wait list. I think you are making a wise decision in forgoing buying at this time and in giving serious thought to getting more space. There is nothing wrong with renting, and at this time in your life it is what makes sense. You can always look at rental houses while you are on the wait list to keep your options open. Are there town houses to rent in your area? That might be a possiblity, it would give you more space and the yards are smaller so less maintenance .
I just want you to know I think you are awesome. I would get on the 3 bedroom waitlist asap as you never know. My husband and I got on the waitlist for a 2BR and were told it would be almost a year and we got one in 3 months because they went down the list and everyone else had decided to move or move on, so the list is so unpredictable! Nothing lost to get on the list now. We have a very small house and there is so much less to clean and take care of then with a larger space and having someone do your maintenance is SOOO NICE! I think you sleeping situation sounds like it will really improve with the loft beds. As long as everyone can have a tiny bit of space to call “theirs” I think it works. We are having a baby and will have no extra bedroom so we will be sharing rooms as long as we live in our house and I love looking on pinterest for creative ideas for how to share small living spaces. Your kids might enjoy doing that with you and they can create pinterest boards for the things they like and want to do with their new space.
Kerstin,
Thank you so much, it definitely brought a smile to my face to be told I’m awesome!!! I think your Pinterest suggestion is awesome. Once we get the lofts built and in place we will definitely have to check into that!
I am curious how much longer the twins will be living with you full time vs being off in school or the military? If it just one year more then perhaps the cost of moving doesn’t make sense given your debt load and irregular income.
That is a great point Juhli. Time does seem to go so fast with kids, and even if it’s two years that will fly right by. This reminds me when Hope mentioned her daughter would be driving in 60 months (mine is the same age) and it really put an interesting perspective on the whole time we have left with the kids before they move out.
Juhli,
Excellent, excellent point! And one I have in the back of my head. The short answer is I don’t know though. Most likely History Buff will graduate in two years from this spring. I anticipate a four year degree in his future, but I do not know if he will immediately go off to college or continue at a local college where he can stay at home. Sea Cadet will be at least 1 and possible 2 years later in graduating, and while I anticipate a military entry soon after, he is beginning to make noises about going to college…so I really don’t know. But definitely something to keep in the back of my head as we draw nearer to those dates.
If he’s seriously interested in the military AND college, and he has the grades and get-up-and-go to secure a Congressional nomination, he should consider the military academies. Top notch education in exchange for four years of service as an officer.
I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but here goes. I think you need to get more financial information together before making this decision. For example, what is the exact cost of the 3 bedroom apartment at your complex? What is the cost of 3 bedroom apartments in your area, meaning, is there a cheaper option out there? If you moved out of the complex to a cheaper 3 bedroom, what are the terms of your contract-do you need to give 90 days notice or what? You also mentioned you’d have all of your debt paid off by July 1st-in light of that, what amount of money does that free up? Will you have an extra $500 or $1000? (Sorry, I haven’t looked at your budget recently.) Next, if your goal is to get a house at some point, what exactly do you need in terms of money to do that? Once you have that information, then you can start to look at different scenarios. For example, if you needed $30,000 to buy a house and you would have an extra $1000 once your debt is paid off, you’d have $12,000 a year for a new home providing you didn’t increase any expenses and you’d have your down payment saved in a little under three years. If your new place is $400 a month more, then that increases your expenses by $4800 a year and instead of that $12000, you’d have $7200 for a home versus the $12000. That information would be helpful in making decisions.
If your debt is not paid off by July 1st, then how does that impact the financials? Also, what about an emergency fund? Or the kids braces? Maybe if the rent increase is $400 a month or $4800 a year, maybe that amount would be better spent on braces. I’d go back and look at your number one long term goal, whether it is to get a home or to save for an emergency fund or whatever and run the numbers. Also, if you do move, what are the costs of moving, security deposits, storage, etc. Also, if you placed a security deposit on your apartment and you move, what were the terms on that? Is that considered last month’s rent or do you get it back only when you move and your apartment has passed inspection? If you do move, how do you need to notify them….is it 90 days written notice? If so, then you need to give notice by June 1st so you’d have to have something lined up. You have to know the exact terms. Some leases automatically roll over and if you don’t give notice or give it late or don’t keep a copy of the written letter to vacate, they can charge you a fee. When I had a lease, if you didn’t give 90 days written notice, your lease automatically renewed at the new rate and the termination fee could be 3 months rent. As for shame in apartment living, I don’t think there is a shame in living within your means. I think there’d be more shame in not being able to pay bills. As for the kids, I doubt they can have friends over because there probably isn’t any room-5 people and 4 pets in a 2 bedroom apartment doesn’t leave a lot of room for visitors. Luckily, you can meet friends elsewhere so I don’t think friendships need to suffer.
A lot to think about for sure, but pull your financials together and then decide what you want to do. Then you can come back and write a post and get some feedback if you are still unsure.
I would get on the list for the 3 bedroom if it didn’t cost anything and wasn’t a commitment to it.
In the short term, hopefully building the loft beds will help to make the bedroom work for the 3 boys, and you can manage the space you currently have a bit better.
Good luck!