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Need to grow a back bone!

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Everyone now knows how we’re trying to cut back on eating out (we went over budget in this category last month – budgeted $75 but spent $110). So when a friend suggested we meet for lunch, I told her I was trying to cut back eating-out and we decided to go to the mall instead. She had something she needed to buy and I am absolutely fine with window-shopping (shopping is not a weakness of mine).

So we walked around chatting and catching up a little and one of the stores she wanted to go to was Express. When we got there, she pulled 2 coupons out of her purse for a free $15 (no minimum purchase, but non-sale items only). She handed one to me and said to use it because it was a free $15 that would go to waste. I said, “no thanks” but she insisted.

I wanted to find something less than $15 because I could just get it for free (the coupon allowed this). So I’m walking around the store and looking at price tags and everything is WAY more than $15. I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve been but everything just seemed so much more expensive than I remember!?! Shirts and tanks were way more than $15 and even all the costume jewelry was too expensive (I’m talking, $30+). There was literally not a single non-sale item in the store for $15 or less. So finally I find a pair of tights that cost $20 (I would get $15 off and still have to pay an additional $5).

I’m standing in line thinking how I don’t want to spend this money, and I don’t care about the stupid tights, and how did I get in this situation? I’m thinking about how annoying its going to be when I have to come back to the mall and return these tights because – for some reason – I suddenly have no backbone and can’t just put the tights down and say, “NO!”

And we get to the cash register. And it turns out the tights were on-sale so the coupon couldn’t be used.

I was SOOOO thankful because it gave me the excuse to just walk away! I turned to my friend, handed back the coupon, and said I hadn’t even really cared about the tights anyway.

How ridiculous is this? I was literally planning out when I would have time to come back to the mall to return these tights while I was standing in line waiting to buy them!!! What’s wrong with me!!!


17 Comments

  • Reply Shoeaholicnomore |

    That sounds like a tough situation, especially when the friend already knew you were trying to cut back on eating out costs, what makes her think that you should instead spend the money on clothes that you don’t really want or need? Frustrating!

    • Reply Ashley |

      I honestly think the friend thought she was being helpful/friendly. In her eyes, I’m “saving money” by getting the $15 free (even though the BEST way to “save money” is to not spend it!)

  • Reply adam |

    I really struggle going to the mall. Everything is SO expensive and I get all righteously angry and stuff, I really try to avoid it.

    • Reply Ashley |

      Yeah, I’m definitely not a mall-goer. Most of my wardrobe is from Old Navy or Kohl’s. I’m fancy that way.

    • Reply Ashley |

      OMG, what an embarrassing typo! I’ve edited to correct, thanks for pointing out! Yikes!

  • Reply Helene |

    That was a stinky thing for your friend to do. 🙁 Next time, don’t be above creating an emergency. “Oh! I have to call xyz. Excuse me while I step outside.”

    lol.

    I’m less concerned about your backbone and more concerned that your friend wasn’t more sensitive. I’m sure she thought she was doing a good thing though.

    All I can say is listen to that little voice that was talking to you at the register.

    • Reply Ashley |

      Fabulous idea! I really think my friend was trying to be helpful (“look, you’ll be saving money!”). It’s difficult to have “that” conversation though. I’ve said I’m trying to cut-back on spending, but really didn’t elaborate on our debt situation or how important it is to not be making frivolous purchases right now. From her point-of-view, buying an article of clothing with $15 already applied toward its balance is “cutting back” (whereas, I need to be making-do not buying new. <

  • Reply debtor |

    ha! classic peer pressure.

    I don’t blame the friend – i think she probably just really thought – here is “free” $15. Ashley, i think the “backbone” thing is tough. You’re probably just more of a people-pleaser personality wise and having a full blown out discussion trying to explain why you didn’t want it was more of a headache than just returning it.

    I think it’s fine in this instance to just come up with a little white lie. Such as “oh, i don’t like this store”. or “Meh, i didn’t really find anything I like”…or something else that she might have let slide. Then stuff like that can just be your backup answer when you don’t really want to have drawn-out conversations.

    Or even the passive aggresive stance of picking something up then “changing your mind” while in the line and then saying it was too much of a bother to pick something else ou.t

    • Reply Ashley |

      I love these ideas! Great ways to deal with the situation if something similar should happen again!

  • Reply margann |

    Ashley, do you have a hard time just being straight forward? Seems like the whole situation could be avoided by a simple “Thank you, but I am not spending any money today.” A good friend will accept that explaination!

    • Reply Ashley |

      Ugh!! Even the thought of saying those words make me cringe! What is wrong with me? It just feels so painful and awkward to say “I am not spending any money.” I do consider her a good friend, but I also think its kind of natural to be curious about that and it opens the door for a full-on “Yeah, you don’t know this but we have $X amount of debt and blah blah, I’m not spending money” converation. Painful.

      • Reply Theresa |

        I think with time you will be more comfortable with saying that. Even your most casual friend has to know that you are 1. not working full time. and 2. have a husband who had a serious health scare recently that resulted in extensive health care and time off work. I don’t think it is shocking that you guys might be short on cash right now.

      • Reply margann |

        Nothing is wrong with you! No one likes to admit their difficulties. I think you’re doing a great job on getting things on the right track. Keep it up!

  • Reply Claire |

    Hahahahaha! That is so something I would do! I have a really hard time saying no to people, too. Thanks for posting!

  • Reply emmi |

    Friends like this are tough. If you insist on not going along with their plan, they make it about them and pour on the guilt. Best I can suggest is why as them why aren’t supporting you more. “Look, why are you tempting me when you know I’m trying to be good?” or “I don’t need anything, give the coupon to someone who does.”

    Sometimes it seems like friends like this aren’t the best of friends, they just want someone they can push around. Maybe I’m reading WAY too much into this from my own experience. Apologies to your friend if I am.

    • Reply Ashley |

      No, this can certainly be true. In this case I honestly think my friend *thought* she was being helpful/nice, but it does certainly come across as “pushy.” I’m actually kind of excited that summer is upon us (at least here in Arizona), because her parents have a pool. Rather than having our “get-togethers” revolve around eating our and/or shopping at the mall, I’m hoping we can hang out at her parents and play in the pool (at least, this is what we’ve done in previous summers so I’m assuming it will happen this summer too).

So, what do you think ?