by Claire
For those who have missed it, you may also be interested in Our history is never far away — Part I and Our history is never far away — Part II
After 2 years of separate and individual accounts we had an “a-ha!” moment in December of 2011 and by January 1, 2012 we agreed to combine everything–the good, the bad and the ugly. SO, it is to be expected that we will have these growing pains. We DO need help finding and maintaining open dialogue so that issues don’t fester and then overflow in a bad way. It is a matter of trial and error to a great extent and we have to be patient and give ourselves a break. Let’s face it–there is a reasongthat a full 70% of second marriages don’t make it…the stress is nothing that can be explained until you experience it. I believe we can make a choice each and every day to respect, honor and celebrate one another instead of engaging in negative behavior based in resentment. When we do that, we see the beautiful gift that we are to one another.
We are adjusting to a new way of thinking. It can be very frustrating to stop and think about what we spend when we’ve never done that before. That is not to say that stopping and thinking are bad things but instead NEW things. Change is uncomfortable! Change takes thought. I think that sometimes it is easier to criticize the other for a perception that they are unwilling or slow to change instead of just focusing on our individual shortcomings.
Sigh. It’s just hard work. That’s all it boils down to…but the rewards are worth it! I can’t wait to look back and see how far we’ve come! 🙂
Born and raised in Texas. I’ve at least driven through every state in the US courtesy of a roadtrip loving Dad.
I’m single with two children and a good parenting relationship with their father.
I am a “life is just half full of funny” kinda gal. Humor is my saving grace and I am thankful for it every single day. I have a strong Catholic faith and am thankful for that foundation.
I read a lot for a living but still enjoy a good book. I love biographies but in recent years have found the need for fun fictional books–sadly, for a long time I just didn’t enjoy fiction!
I love live theatre of any kind–from local productions to Broadway.
I love to scrapbook and pride myself in my kids’ albums.
I love being a mom but also love my career. I’m blessed to have found a balance allowing me to be at everything my kids need and want me to be at–while also having a career.
Favorite Quotes: Well behaved women rarely make history.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -James Bryant Conant
You’re right. It all comes down to choice. You have a choice to make a different future than the one you’re on track for with all this debt. You have a choice to work on your marriage or let it fail. We all have those choices and should try to make the best ones possible. Having open conversations will help you stay on track with making the right choices. Congrats on your work so far.
Good luck dealing with all of this. Personally I found I’ve changed my mindset a lot just by reading and commenting on a lot of other finance blogs. Then you get to see how other people are saving money and realize that other people are in similar situations or have overcome massive debt. Perhaps you could even do that together as a couple and really increase your blog income.
Growing pains are hard, but kudos for making the choice to experience those growing pains!
Dave Ramsey is adament about having a budget meeting before the month begins. You sit down, with the upcoming months budget. Each of you go over it. In most relationships, one person is the spender and the other is the saver. Likewise, one person is the administrator/budget tracker, the other is the free spirit who lives in the moment. Its not always the case, but generally it is.
In such a situation, Dave says the free spirits job is to actually attend the budget meeting and then make a change of somekind to the budget (as they tend to just want the other person to ‘do’ it. They need to invest in it). The administrator/budget maker, is to let them make the change and have input.
It works. Believe me, it works. Often times budget meetings are required more than just that once a month. We have them probably 3 times a month, as adjustments and life can happen.
You can do this. Doing it together is going to get you to a big, fat $0.00 in debt.
I look forward to watching you both grow in this process! Oh what a journey!
this is a 1-hour lesson.
http://www.daveramsey.com/store/downloads/MP3s/Relating-With-Money-Downloadable-mp3/prodRMMP3.html
it’s all about how families can relate with their money. it’s available online in mp3, CD, or dvd form for various prices. one of the best lessons in the whole financial peace program. good to watch together
also, maybe your husband would take a personal finance class from a local community college or community engagement program. a lecture-based format might be less vulnerable.
the point i keep making is that anything you can do TOGETHER will help.
“It can be very frustrating to stop and think about what we spend when we’ve never done that before”
I’m right there with you Claire! I find it hard everyday.
It is very difficult to deal with change. We’ve grown so use to buying what we wish and now it has all caught up with us and it can be quite scary.
As Jeremy posted above, it requires a change in mindset, which I too struggle with everyday.
The thing is, that doesn’t happen overnight, or even in 3 or 6 months. Just like losing weight, it takes a lot of time and work to make the necessary changes.
Having that Aha moment does help and it gets you going. You will get there.
I personally think it is a huge step to take, but an important one. It’s hard to integrate two distinctive ways of thinking and there re bound to be disagreements about what gets spent where, but providing there is open dialogue between the both of you i’m sure it will work very well! All the very best
Well you are communicating and that alone is worth it in the end, no matter how much debt you have. Do you feel this is going to be a life style change for both of you? Or will this be more of a finally settling in for your marriage?
I have a question for you, Claire – you seem to be doing pretty well career-wise: do you/ did you have any student loan debt? Your husband? Do you plan on helping your kids with college? I think schools in Texas are pretty affordable, right? I’m sure you could devote a whole post to this but a quick yes/no is fine. Thank you! 🙂
Is your husband really on board with paying down “your debt”? Make sure that he is so there are no harbored bad feelings or resentment. I honestly think I would have a huge problem paying down someone else’s debt. Now please note I do believe in marriage-and the commitments faced –I just don’t know how I would feel walking into a second marriage with someone who is drowning in debt. The point is, just make sure he is “on board” as the topic of money is easily an argument.