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I received an email from a writer for a well-known magaine and she is looking for people to interview for an article about relationships and debt.
“I’m interested in talking to people who are, or have ever been, in a situation where they’ve been at odds with their spouse or significant other about money — attitudes toward money, and specifically, debt, and ways of managing money and debt. For example, shopaholic Wife tries to hide her expensive shoe purchases from thrifty Husband. Or a man lies to his fiance about how much debt (credit-card debt, student-loan debt, etc.) he has — or at least fails to mention it for some time. You get the idea - broadly speaking, the issue of debt compatibility.
Do you think you would be a good fit for the story (or do you know anyone that would be)? I’d love to chat.”
So, if this sounds interesting to you, please email me at bloggingawaydebt [at] yahoo [dot] com and I will forward your email to her so she can follow up with you.
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Posted: December 15th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
Looks like we got the same email and had the same idea!
Posted: December 16th, 2006 at 1:28 am
how come no one ever emails me!
Posted: December 16th, 2006 at 8:13 am
Hey everyone - spam Jim
Posted: April 20th, 2007 at 10:25 am
I am a poster child for your subject. Over the 15 years my wife and I have been together (married for nine) she has gotten into deep credit card debt several times, with me bailing her out every time. I just found out last night that she has been hiding $10,000 in debt on another credit card. I have asked her several times to get financially educated and responsible with no action ever being taken. We are in a financial position where we can address this debt, but I don’t know if I can get over my pain and feelings of betrayal this time. Any suggestions or information would be greatly appreciated.
Posted: April 23rd, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Jeremy - so sorry to hear about your situation. I usually hear about the other side of debt from the debtor. I don’t hear from those it affects.
Here’s an article you may find of interest:
http://jacksonville.com/tu-online/stories/041507/bus_9186321.shtml
Posted: May 3rd, 2007 at 4:19 pm
I recently found out my wife has over $40,000 in credit card debt. I feel betrayed not to mention broke. It has and is effecting our marriage in a LOT of different ways. Trust is shaky if not gone altogether.
Posted: May 25th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
My apologies to Tricia if this blog is not the right forum for this subject, but it looks like wives hiding debt may bring you some new business? The originally admitted $10,000 in credit card debt turned out to be $20,000 when she came completely clean. The only reason she came clean is because I gave her an ultimatum. She was told I already had one foot out the door and if there was anything else she was hiding (I actually thought she may be having an affair), the other foot would follow.
Some advice for Ron is to find out if his wife is a shopaholic. While this does not excuse the lying and deceit, once we realized my wife is a shopaholic it gave us a starting point to find help. Unfortunately there is very little in the way of research or resources for this, but the link I attached may be helpful.
Now I get to vent. To all the women out there reading this hiding debt from their husbands like little children hiding candy, I hope this is a wake up call. It’s time to grow up and be an adult! Stop putting yourself first and think about the people that depend on you, like your husband, children or anyone else that cares about you. Start being honest with them and especially yourself. I am officially off my soapbox, for now…
Posted: June 8th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
I have been married 3 years and my husband just found out I have racked up $1500 in credit card debt. I am an admitted shopaholic, I have given up all my credit card. My husband has one foot out the door as well. I am glad to read I am not the only woman who has lied, and I still think my debt is small…….
Posted: June 13th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
I have been married for 5 years and just told my husband about a credit card I had been with holding. I have about $3,500.00 racked up. I don’t have or use the card any more. I have been trying to pay it off. I understand that it’s not healthy to withhold informatiion like this from your spouse. However, I have a husband who has a card in his name and only his name and uses it. I pay 1/2 of the bill each month and don’t have any say as to what gets charged on it. He also believes that because I know about it, then it’s ok. At one point it was up to $14,000.00. We have paid it off over the last 2 years and now owe about $900.00 on it. I think this is more common then people think. I have girlfriends who hae secret cards to department stores etc….Is it really being deceitful if you don’t tell. I think when it gets out of control and you can afford it then yes, it’s an issue. $10,000 or $20,000 in huge. But if you have the means to pay it off….
I welcome any feedback or comments.2
Posted: June 14th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
And therein lies (pardon the pun) the confusion. It’s not the size of the debt that’s the problem; it’s the fact that your husband now has to question everything about your relationship. Being able to trust a mate is fundamental in any relationship that succeeds. Granted, if the debt had been in the tens upon tens of thousands of dollars it would have been even more of a problem (she is paying back every cent herself this time), but you can always make more money. It’s been almost two months now and even with her going to therapy I’m still really struggling with the lack of trust I have.
Posted: June 21st, 2007 at 9:58 pm
You are so right Jeremy. Last night I found out my wife had racked up $38,000 in debt. This is the 3rd time it has happened in the 27 years we have been married. The funny thing is my wife is not a shopaholic. She can’t seem to stop helping our grown kids at the expense of our future. The money doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as knowing that I can never trust her again. I took 3 times for me to figure that out. I kept hoping that it would not happen again.
Posted: July 3rd, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Thanks for all the feedback!! It’s good (maybe poor choice of words?) to see I am not alone in my struggles. (By the way, this is now the first link that comes up if you Google ‘Wives hiding debt’)
My 06/14 post was in response to Ashleigh’s assertion that the debt size (small) should make a difference about the lack of trust. It does not.
In response to Michelle’s post, if you are paying half of your husband’s card, with no say about the spending, I think that is unfair. Especially if the purchases are for personal non-necessary items and not things like household needs. It obviously bothers you and you have every right to demand financial equality (responsibility) in your relationship. I’m glad to hear you came clean about the hidden credit card since this was probably impacting your relationship (intimacy, trust, happiness, etc.) in more ways than you realized. After my wife came completely clean and had her melt down, she said it was like a giant burden had been lifted.
Posted: July 3rd, 2007 at 10:20 pm
My wife of 3 yrs (been together for 12) , who I already helped get out of debt 9 yrs ago, lied to me 6 moths ago about a $2300 cc debt at 30 % interest ! I myself have a 780 credit score and I only have like 9k in debt. She had that secret card and ifound out about it. I then, using my good credit and TRUST, got us a )% for on year to transfer her 2k over and 3 K from other high cards. I was on disability for two months, and got laid off the day I returned. Now, the lovely state of California, wants to dock me 5 weeks of UI because I made a 160.00 Honest mistake 3 yrs ago, for which I paid a 70 dollar penalty
. Today, I find out, after we opened the 0% card, that she got her own card at 16% and has amassed $3500, along with spending 15-300 every month since we transfered the balances to the ) card !!
I now do not trust her at all, I’m sick of the complaints about not cooking, cleaning, etc when I pay most of the bills, and then have to beg for sex.
Life is too short to waste on dishonest people (I just learned that about At Will employment and how u cant trust anyone at work) and about her lies Now, to distrust my wife after having the worst 10 months of my life is just too hard for me to take. I am checking in to an 2 week outpatient course at UCSF so I can calm down . Right now I wanna just walk to the GG Bridge and scream (not jump– im NOT suicidal just depressed) I am now giving up on the whole honesty thing. I lost my wedding band last week, and maybe i was a sign. I have never been a “player” but the women I’ve ben with tell me Im delightful and fun, so I am going to take the plunge and hopefully bring some happiness into my life….. :((( I need a NSO sex and Friendship with an HONEST women and not one who holds everything inside and expects me to just PLAY DYMB. NOT ANYMORE HONEY ……
Posted: August 15th, 2007 at 12:35 am
Wow. On one hand it’s sort of re-assuring to know I’m not alone. On the other, I HATE the situation I am in and wish no one else had to endure it as well.
I’m 4 years married, during which time my wife has purchased around $40k - $60k of clothes, plunging us into about that much debt. At one point she convinced me she should manage our finances because they were driving me crazy and she though it would help her better wrap her head around things. What a fool I was. She wound up doing balance tranfers on my credit cards behind my back, only driving us deeper into debt. To my horror, I discovered all this the Wed. before Thankgiving, with her family coming to stay at our house through the weekend. Ouch.
The worst part, with out a doubt, is not being able to believe my wife because she’s habituatlly lied to me. That “Thanksgiving of horror” was 2 1/2 years ago. She’s made progress, but is still a very emotionally sick person, and every 4-6 months her lies resurface and I learn we are short another $2,000 or so that she squandered on designer clothes.
I’m in awe that I’ve stayed in my marriage this long. I’m either a sucker, a fool, or just ridiculously committed to helping my wife through this. I hope it’s the later, but as this continues longer and longer, I have my doubts that it’s not just me being a fool.
If someone is reading this who struggles like my wife does — GET HELP NOW, IT IS HELL ON THOSE YOU LOVE. IT WILL WIND UP BEING HELL ON YOU TOO, EVEN IF YOU DON’T YET REALIZE IT.
If you are in a marriage with a spouse like mine, i would counsel you to start getting serious counseling ASAP. Fifty $100/hr sessions with a good marriage counselor and/or therapist/psycologist will wind up saving you THOUSANDS in the long term if you are committed to staying with your spouse.
If anyone knows of any good resources for spouses of “shop-aholics”/”debt-aholics,” I’d be so grateful if you would post them. I’ve had very little success finding such resources. The closest I can find is that for spouses of alcoholics. I think shopping addiction is so much harder to be involved in because you can’t just never shop again (whereas you have at least some hope of never drinking again). I also wish I had better understood about enabling, etc. much earlier on.
My prayers are with those of you having to go through this; and I hope yours with me.
Posted: August 16th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
So very sorry to hear about your situations a.c. and Jay. In my wife’s case, individual counseling has been very beneficial so far, although her psychologist did discuss potential drug therapy. Her shopaholic disorder is being treated like any other obsessive/compulsive disorder. Here is a good link that covers some resources and treatment options:
http://searchwarp.com/swa44362.htm
I know that I was an enabler since it was me coming to the rescue every time it happened instead of making her take responsibility for her actions. The ultimatum my wife received (help fix this or I am out of here) was not just tough love, it was the truth. This last time was it, period. Life is too short to stay with anyone that will lie and take advantage of you, especially when you know you are a caring and compassionate person. I am supportive of my wife (and me) getting through this and remain very hopeful it will have a positive outcome in the end. My prayers are certainly with you.
“Sympathy sees and says, “I’m sorry”, compassion sees and says, “I’ll help”; When we learn the difference, we can make a difference.” – Author Unknown
Posted: August 31st, 2007 at 4:43 pm
I have only been married to my current husband for seven years. My first marriage was a 22 year one. We are both fifty years old and had to basically start over. Three years ago I found out that he had overdrawn our account. He had even drained our savings. It was all because the shaky company he was working for was not paying him and he didn’t want to tell me so he was playing the lottery ! I was devastated. He swore to me he would never do that again. It has taken three years for me to trust him again. I only added his name to the new account I had to open about a year ago. Well, he is working now BUT I got our statement yesterday and one thousand dollars is gone !! WE dont have much to begin with, that was house payment and car payment money. !IN a nut shell he took it for some sort of glorified gambling deal. I am shattered. He won’t talk, I am not sure if I can go through this again. It was a “get rich quick scheme” and we all know they don’t work ! I have cried the last twenty four hours wondering what to do.> He won’t talk, I told him that last time I went to my family and that this time he can go to his ! I covered up for him last time, it’s time he admit to his family that he has a problem and get help. I have to decide if I can stay with him and trust him ever again. I am confused.
Posted: September 3rd, 2007 at 9:01 pm
Hello– I came across your website @ while doing some research on shopaholism. Let me give you some background, I’m 25, my wife is 31, we’ve been married just under two years. I have incurred a lot of debt over the last few years as I am a sales rep and had a few rough months the last few years, during the same time when getting married & moving in together. This year however I’ve been doing a lot better and have finally been starting to make a dent in the $25,000 revolving debt we have. It was such a nice feeling to finally be making an impact on the debt…until today.
This afternoon, I received a call from a credit card company telling me that I have a past due payment of $700.00 on a credit card with a $11,000 balance. Knowing that I paid all my cards already and not recognizing the card they were calling on I immediately thought ‘oh no, identity theft’ but after a few questions I quickly found out that my wife had opened this card without my knowledge. Apparently in late March she replied to a credit card offer sent to me and received a card. Four months later I find out about this $11,000.00 debt. Needless to say I absolutely lost it. My wife knows how much I’ve been agonizing and how hard I’ve been working to save money and reduce the debt we already have, and hearing this news sent me into an emotional fit. It wasn’t just the money either, it was the sense of betrayal, disrespect and having my trust broken that really hurt. I screamed and cried for nearly 2 hours. I am considering a divorce because I do not think I will ever be able to trust my wife again. My credit score has plummeted since we’ve moved in together, and this is only going to further destroy it. As things currently stand we make approximately $100,000 combined salary and have $35,000 in credit card debt alone. We also have a $250,000 mortgage and two newer cars. Thankfully we do not have any children at this time.
My wife has said she believes she is a shopaholic and now says she wants to get help. She also says she wants to get a second job now to pay the debt. I am totally at a loss as to what to do now, I am worried about possibly losing my home if God forbid, I have any change in my sales numbers at work. Right now I’m having a good year and still just barely starting to make an impact and that was before the additional $11,000. I have never felt so alone in my life, as I feel like I cannot trust even my own wife and may never be able to again. I would really like to speak to others who have a similar situation if at all possible.
“Joseph” in New Jersey
Posted: September 6th, 2007 at 2:20 am
So what do we do with spouses that won’t leave the credit cards alone? Is there any protection for the other spouse? My husband was debt free three years ago (I won’t go into the past), and insisted he would stay that way. When he found out he was receiving a small inheritance he insisted on being able to use the money ahead of time by getting credit. He promised his whole heart that he would pay it off the second he got his inheritance. Well, that never happened. By the time his inheritance came, he had opened three credit cards, and was able to make payments on them for a few months before he ran out of money. Many things he bought were ‘interest free for one year’ so just as I think I’ve made progress on getting the bill down, the next month they’ve tacked on another $500 in ‘old interest’. When we had problems getting our mortgage because of this, he apologized and asked me to take away his credit cards, promising to work on getting us out of debt, and not use them anymore.
Our daughter had a medical problem a few months ago so I went to help her. When I got our next bills, I found out that while I was gone he had searched until he found where I’d hidden his cards, used them, plus opened a new account. I cannot get us unburied out of this, I cannot make any headway - just a few dollars at a time. I have so little money to work with, and we have a lot of mouths to feed. We have less and less food in the house because I have less money to work with. I wish there was a way I could put a halt to his credit cards. Because he has medical problems, I have Power of Attorney - is there any way I can use that to help stop these things from happening? He feels terrible about it too, and again promises it won’t happen again. What does anyone think about debt consolidation? Does that ruin your credit?
Posted: September 7th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
I would close his accounts NOW by sending via letter to the credit cards and let him know it ahead of time. Do this regardless of worrying about credit score. In addition, I would warn him if he incurred any other debt, I would not pay one penny. As for the debt consolidation, it is “in theory” a good idea because you lower your interest rate, and all of the credit accounts get paid, therefore your available credit is 100%, increasing credit score (although the inquiry and new account will drop your score a few points). But, more than likely the credit cards will soon have balances on them, and you will have to pay the consolidation loan and the credit cards.
I have lived through a similar scenario as several people on this blog, and I have learned the hard way that shopaholics/compulsive spenders will use any and all available money or credit no matter what the consequences are. So, one must remove temptation. My wife has constantly ran up credit cards and I have paid them off and then she continues to run them up to the limit, and I again have paid them off-several times over. I worried about my/her credit score, so I did not close them, until recently. I had to take action because she was spending twice what I make. She would often spend my paycheck then I had no money for the bills! Most of the credit she had was upwards of 30% interest rate and many times that I paid her debt, I took on loans which put us further in the hole. When I hit a wall and truly could not keep up with her debt, I had to deal (yes me, not her) with the nasty collection agencies for her debt! We were on the road to financial disaster. So I did the following:
1. Paid all accounts (this is the LAST time) in her name to zero balance.
2. Closed the accounts, let her know if she reopened them, I would not pay one cent.
3. Gave her a fixed stipend per month (cash) for spending.
4. Try to still get out of debt because I took on some of her debt in my name.
This has been working so far with the only exception: she opened one credit account and I have done as I said, I will not pay one cent toward that debt. Enough is enough. I can no longer afford to pay her past debts (on my low/no interest credit card/fixed unsecured loans) and her new ones.
As was stated here in this blog, this type of behavior is paramount to betrayal and distrust.
I once read in a national column in which a woman asks the columnist what to do because her husband (sole provider) refuses to pay her debts as she cannot pay them being a homemaker with no income. The columnist blasts the husband and urges the woman to leave him because he is a dirty rotten scoundrel for not paying her debt. If the women incurred debt for necessities, I could see the columnist’s point, but if she is a compulsive spender, then what? Who is the victim here? Who should leave who?
Posted: October 18th, 2007 at 9:13 am
My husband and I have been married for almost a year. He has significant debt due to real estate investments.
In his mind, his debt is now our debt and is angry that I don’t want to share those payments. I pay all the houehold bills (mortgage, utilities, etc.).
I feel that he could get out of debt by making more money. He is self-employed and works about three months out of the year, so there is ample opportunity to do this but he isn’t interested.
If he were working hard and just made a low salary, I would be more inclined to share his burden. But I feel he is not doing much to pay the debt and just expects that I should “want” to pay it since we are married.
He refuses to take money from me to pay the debt because he says I’m not sincere when I offer. He is probably right, but as I mentioned, he could pay the debt off if he worked more.
Posted: November 2nd, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I must be the world’s biggest sucker!
For the third time in our seven year marriage, my wife has racked up multi-thousand dollar credit card debt behind my back. This third and most recent time amounted to 53K. More than the first two times combined! The rate on some of these cards is 31% and total minimum payments are more than my mortgage.
It is the single most dehumanizing and frustrating experience to a) find out that your spouse has lied to you repeatedly about a spending issue you thought was behind you and b) your back in the hole again for the foreseeable future. Oh yeah, and let me add c) my credit rating is in the tank too. She took out two cards in both of our names that I was not aware of. I now spend my Saturday’s following up with collections agencies and negotiating payment plans.
I wrote it off the first time this happened as just a mistake, the second time I almost left her but decided to work it out since she swore it wouldn’t happen again, and now a third time. I regret staying because this time around we have a two year old child and this is the last thing we need.
Here I go again, into the debts of Hell.
Posted: November 6th, 2007 at 10:12 am
OK, I am the bad guy here. I have been married for 20 years, and have always been the money manager. My husband is about to find out the horrible truth, because I can not deal with it any longer. The thing is, we both make good money, but at one point he was laid off several years ago, and I ended up borrowing money from a finance company, and it just escalated from there. We have about 60M in unsecured debt, credit cards, finance companies, and a couple of pay day loans, and I have done all of this. It has just gotten to the point where I can no longer pay everything and still put food on the table and gas in the vehicles. The thing is, I am not a shopaholic. I don’t have a closet full of designer clothes, i drive a 05 dodge caravan. We don’t live in an expensive house. I just always borrowed money when times got tough or funds were short, whether it be on credit cards or from finance companies. I have been lying to him for years. And I feel like the most horrible person. I have lost weight, my BP is high. I have already went to CCCS, and thought about just doing debt management on my debts, but I have come to the conclusion that we need to do it with all our debts. I am also starting counseling today to try to find out why I have done this. Is my marriage doomed once he finds out? I don’t know why I have always felt like I had to say things were better than they were. I even have him thinking we have a lot of money in savings. I think he is definitely going to devistated over this, and probably won’t understand, I certainly wouldn;t. But I just hope it is not the end of my marriage. I did not hide this from my husband to be deceitful, I think I did it trying to always make things look perfect. Any comments?
Posted: November 6th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Pam -
You would do well to prep your husband for what he is about to hear and provide total transparency with the bills going forward. This will also have to be followed up with a sincere and consistent effort toward cleaning up this mess over time in order to rebuild trust. OR there’s my wife’s approach…she took my daugher and left for her Mom’s. I didn’t see her for two weeks. In the mean time, and much to my horror, I started recieving all of the bills she was hiding in the mail and all of the calls from bill collectors that were previously auto-forwarded to her cell phone. Needless to say, I was not feeling the love.
If my wife had not made me chase her around for info and flat out lie to me in the process, if she would have shown genuine remorse for what she did followed up by sincere corrective action, I may have forgiven her. Her insult to injury has influenced my decision for a divorce.
I hope this helps.
|Rich|
Posted: November 7th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Well, that is exactly what I did. I may have been a little cowardace, he works nights, i wrote him a long letter, telling everything, and left it for him when I left for work. What hurt me worse than anything is that he got home and started reading it before our daughter who is 17 had left for school, so she found out the mess as well. It hurts me to no end that I have lied to them, but mainly to her about college money. I am in counseling, and I did leave work right after I got there, went home, and we all talked about it. We have some plans in place, and we will deal with it. i think it did help that I came clean. I did have a plan in place to go to a friends house if I felt afraid, but I don’t have to do that. they told me if I did not come home, they needed an address to send the bills to! so we will get through this. While I agree that I was totally wrong in all this, I think the fact that I have now come clean and believe me, the swollen eyes and all show the remorse. I think this helped. Its not going to go away, and running from it doesn’t make it go away. We just have to face it head on. I just tried to do it on my own for so long. Like I said, I did it to get by, not to buy clothes, or be extravagant. And I think over time he will realize that. He said he does not understand how I could run the credit cards up so high, but its easy to do when you use them to live day to day like I did. We have been together a long time, and I think its worth saving. I hope he does too, and that he is not just planning to stick around the four years to get the debts paid off.
I have a lot of proving to do.
Posted: November 13th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
I am in the same dire situation. I have been married for 18+ years. About 12 years ago, we came into some family money. The credit card bills went up, bought a new car, went to Europe, things were looking great. My husband bought me a tennis bracelet 6 carats…I just thought…Wow, we don’t have to worry about money….Thing about it is…We have well over a million and a half dollars…BUT….My husband is very stingy now…he’s constantly complaining about money….I don’t shop anywhere without a sale and honestly over the years…I’ve just gotten tired of it…
I handle all the finances….Right now we have over $40,000 in cc debt. He doesn’t know…I hate being a deceitful person and I feel horrible, but his mantra is “no bad news.” So when I want to tell him about it…I just can’t gather the strength…and you want to know the worst of it? HE is the one who uses the credit card for EVERYTHING…GAS, BEER, you name it…he pulls the card out…With no thought to how we are to pay it off..
When he goes on a 3 day business trip…he has to have $300 cash….
We are paying $500 over our alloted rent allowance to live in a grand house…That’s $6000 out of our pocket
We pay $160 a month on a storage unit….
It is extremely expensive to live where we live. The way I am impicated in the debt is that I have used those 0% offers to try and bring the debt down..but no sooner than I make headway…he spends it right back up..Or we take a vacation or whatever.
I want to call our broker and say…listen don’t reinvest for a month…WE made almost $70,000 in rollover money and we could pay the debt off…
My husband ALWAYS blames me for credit card debt…He makes me feel like I am 2″ tall and you know what? Our credit scores are in the 740’s. I always pay more than the minimum and am trying like hell to pay it off.
I HATE cards!!! and I want this out in the open, but I am scared that he is going to leave me. I love him and though I am very resentful of his leaving this on my shoulders…I know that we can work it out…
I have told him before that we should just send all of our bills to our AG Edwards guy and have him take care of it, but he wants me to handle all of it….I think so he can place the blame a bit easier instead of looking at himself…..
I pray daily for help, I wish I made enough money to pay it all of myself.
I would gladly give all my jewelry up and then some to pay off these cards and be done with them.
I read all of your letters and you are right trust, love and respect SHOULD be part of a marriage…
I wish marriage was like it is supposed to be.
He is depressed…Always says “No bad news.”
He doesn’t participate in parenting unless he wants to.
He drinks every single night
He won’t sit at the dinner table — ever
He doesn’t attend school events and when he does..He needs to know “what time it’s over, before we get there.”
He’s pessimistic.
I just really and truly don’t know what to do.
Posted: November 14th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Cynthia:
While your situation is somewhat different from mine in that you are a lot better off financially, it is basically the same. Bottom line is, you are hiding the debt. What I did was write him a letter spilling everything, becuase I did not have the guts to tell him face to face. We are getting ready to go into a debt management program, and I also am looking to work part time, or increase my little side sewing business, and we will get this paid in about four years, and our credit will not be destroyed. the thing with you is, you have the resource, or at least you have it joint with your husband, to completely wipe this debt out. I would tell him, and then tell him that it needs to be paid off and you need to seek counseling, probably marriage counseling. Now that is just my opinion, I am not a counselor myself!!! I have not convinced my husband that we need marriage counseling, because frankly, this all happened was my own doing. But on the other hand, I feel like he should have been more insistant to be involved. I frankly won’t be surprised if he leaves after the four years is over and we are once again out of debt. But he has done nothing to make me believe he would do that, and really, once I told him everything about the debt, he took it rather well. I think if your husband uses the credit card for all of the expenses you say, he must know that the debt is there!! You will feel much better once it is out in the open. I sleep much better, even though i still worry, but at least I don’t feel like I am sneaking and hiding. My counseling has helped, and we truly think the reason I have handled things like I have is because I grew up pretty much poor, and I ran up the debts so we could live like we weren’t. but it all just snowballed out of proportion.
anyway, you need to lay it on the line, no matter how hard it may seem. the hardest part for me was telling my daughter there is no college money. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for decieving her about that. But the thing is, when this all came out, she was more concerned about making sure the payments were made on her car rather than college. So don’t beat yourself up. I had been beating myself up for months, and it is now out in the open, we just have to take what comes.
Posted: November 16th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
Well…..
After praying, crying and talking with my sister, I finally gathered the strength to tell my husband about our debt.
One thing that I was incorrect about was how much we had….I had spent the afternoon adding it all up and it was actually $55,000.
My husband was very kind and I almost suffered a nervous breakdown, but I knew that it had to be done.
It will all be paid off by Dec 4, and though I know he is angry (and rightly so) he hopefully will someday forgive me.
I feel as low as a person can, he was very nice and understanding last night, but I think today his anger built when having to sell some very good stock to get this money. He was very cold to me this evening, and he wasn’t at all loving, but I’m telling myself that this is very normal, I would be mad as well.
I will never be in debt again, I can tell you that much.
Good luck to all, if you have hidden debt, you can go through with it and get it out in the open. It hurts to do, but it needs to be done.
Posted: November 19th, 2007 at 8:50 am
cynthia
Amen!!! Getting it out in the open was the best thing I ever done. My husband was devistated to say the least. I mean, here he sits all this time thinking things are just peachy with us financially, and now to find out it was all a lie. I truly believe if he had the means, or had a better paying job, he would have walked out. He is 53 years old, and he really worries about retirement, so this really set him back. But it is really going to take the both of us working together to get this mess paid off. I like you feel absolutely guilty. I think i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown as well. it was getting to where I could not eat. I lost about five pounds in one week.
We sat down yesterday, and I told him where we are, and how to access our checking account so he can see where everything is. the hardest part for me to deal with right now is getting the stupid pay day loans paid off. I have a couple of those, and one big one. I hope to consolidate the big one into the debt management program, but the two smaller ones, its hard to do when you have to go every two weeks and pay this astronomical fee out. But I will do it. I have a little side business, in addition to my full time job, where I sew and sell items on ebay. I plan to really start working hard on that, and hopefully with christmas coming, I can sell a lot and take that money and pay off these pay day loans. And after that, any extra money I have will go towards paying off this.
I am like you as well when i say I will NEVER have another credit card. The only bills I plan to have are car payments and house payment for the rest of my life. Credit cards are the devils work I do believe!!!
Posted: November 19th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
I have tears in my eyes right now. I am like Cynthia. I have racked up about 15,000 in debt that my husband is unaware of. It all started when he hurt his back at his job, and then his job began cutting back on work. I could not pay the mortgage or bills on what he brought home for about 6 months so I took cash advances and used my cards to pay bills, buy groceries and put gas in the car. I don’t have any clothes or shoes or new gadgets etc. I just used them to live, and now we are so behind that I am just about to lose my mind! I am so devastated by my poor choices. I don’t know why I just did not talk to him about all of this instead of trying to take care of it on my own. He is a very loving and kind husband and I feel like the lowest form of scum right now. I know that he will be so angry! I fear the emotional turmoil that this revelation will bring. I am just so stupid! I don’t have any excuses for my behavior. I wish I could do it all over again.
Pray for me.
Posted: November 26th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Marcia,
I can so sympathize with you. But I hope the outcome is better. Mine was, my husband was very upset, but he did not throw things or anything like that. I think it makes a difference when they can see that you did it to survive, and did not buy frivilous things, or new clothes, etc. It is the hardest thing in the world to come clean, and if you want, take the chicken way out like I did and write a letter. My husband works nights, I work days, and I left the letter for him when I left for work one morning. Oh, I was prepared. I took clothes, I left money for my daughter. I had the feeling I would not be welcome back in the house. But it all is going to work out. We are in about four times as much debt as you are right now. So come clean now, before it gets any worse. It is hard to deal with. I was just like you, I tried to handle it myself so everyone else would not have to deal with the worry. So I pretty much have ruined our chance of ever buying a house. I will be 52, he will be 58 when we get this paid off through consumer credit counseling. But I told him, I plan to work till I am 70 if I have to, we will live in a house, or at least a modular when this is over. The payment we are going to have each month is going to be astronomical, but its only for four years. i figure we can pay half that when its over, and still buy something and have it paid for before I get ready to retire.
Its hard to deal with alone, and its even harder to come clean. But once you do, you will feel like the burden of the world is off you shoulders. I had a post office box, that is how I hid it. I closed that out last week, so now we just wait for the bills to start pooring in!!! I have a good job, and also do sewing on the side, so if I have my way, this will be paid off in three years, not four. I guess that is one advantage I do have, having a good paying job. But it does not justify the fact that I almost bankrupted us.
Posted: November 26th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
My problem is unique (I think) from what I have read. Here is the short form.
I have always made more than my husband ($30 per hour to his $10). We have lived well, traveled, enjoy dining out etc. During the course of our twenty-three years together he has lost several high paying jobs (always his own fault). He has paid child support for all of our married life, and this of course, diminished his take-home pay. I always provided health, vehicle, life insurance. I paid all of the bills and yes, I gave him pocket money. I paid for every vacation. We have two children. Ages 8 and 14.
Anyway, 18 months ago, I got fed up and quit my job. With my settlement, I paid off every bill we owe. Mortgage, two vehicles, all loan, credit, miscellaneous accounts. We are now debt free. In addition, I paid off his unpaid IRS debt, and all of his past due child support. For the first time in his life, he will be able to receive his income tax refund.
Due to my generousity, his monthly accounts total $850. Yes, eight hundred and fifty dollars. He is unable to pay this. Just basic utilities, vehicle insurance (liability only), and that’s all. He grumbles, mumbles, and complains. He states that he will not make the living while I lay around ‘burning up electricity’.
Oh, yea, I also put aside over 100K for retirement, and money for each child at graduation.
I guess I am down to this question, Does he love me or did he love my money?
I am at my wit’s end. We have talked about this until I am blue in the face. We both agreed that I would quit, stay at home with the children and pay off the accounts. I think I have done my part. I welcome any comments.
Posted: November 27th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Wow. I wish I were in a position to pay everything off. This is only my opinion, but it sounds to me like he has lived the good life for so long at your expense, he is now upset that his gravy train has run out. he now has to take on some responsibility, and he does not want to have to do that. I can not say whether he loves you or your money, but I would think there must be something there for him to stay married this long. But then again, you never know.
Posted: November 30th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
Annette, it sounds like your husband needs a ‘wake up’ call about the imbalance in your relationship. You are obviously giving a lot more in your marriage than you are getting, probably more than just money. That has caused you to question if you can trust him to put you and your families needs before his own. And rightfully so… This article was somewhat of an epiphany for me. http://ezinearticles.com/?Relationship-Wake-Up-Call&id=272352 Does he love you or does he love your money? Ask him. That’s exactly what I asked my wife. “So, am I more than a paycheck to you?” If yes, then you have every right to demand that they show it in the way they treat you. Just my two cents…
Posted: November 30th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
jeremy is absolutely right. My husband is about to throw his hands up right now with our situation. We have started in a debt management program, and we are going to have to pay almost $2,000 a month over the next 3 1/2 years to pay all this debt off. but not once has he put all the blame on me, or acted like it is totally my job to pay it off. We are in this together. he is even working a lot of overtime to compensate for some of it. it takes two to make it, one can not do it by themself. I had to learn that the hard way.
Posted: December 10th, 2007 at 11:48 am
2 years ago my wife retired and wanted to do the bills, which I had done for most of our lives. She increased the level of credit card debt to over $50K, most in her name only. Does anyone know whether legally I am responsible for credit card debt that is only in her name.
Posted: February 28th, 2008 at 10:36 am
I think it would depend on if the cards are in her name or both.
Posted: March 25th, 2008 at 10:33 am
HELP!!!
I’m the bad guy in need of advice. I’ve been married for almost three years with a young baby. I have over 30K in debt that my wife is not aware of and it will soon come up when we buy our first house next year. The debt started as a harmless 15K before the marriage that I thought I could take care of on my own. Right before the wedding, my wife found out about 5K and we easily took care of it within two months. The rest of it kept compounding with me borrowing to make the payments. It is now past the 30K mark and I know that she will find out soon if I don’t find a way to pay it off. I’m so afraid that this will end my marriage. I love my wife and baby more than life, but I can’t get myself to come clean.
My credit is still very good and we make a very good income with savings that can easily eliminate the debt. It is the lying and deceit that scares me the most. I’m considering going to her parents to get some help with eliminating it. They love me and I think they will help me to save my marriage. This problem is keeping me up at night and is eating me up emotionally. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Posted: March 31st, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Hello all. So I have been separated for close to six years now but still legally married. During our 20yr marriage w/3 boys, all over 18 now I, along w/future ex purchased a house. I am in construction so I built a 3-car garage, finished the 2nd floor, finished the basement, new sod & fence, paid for all our vehicles and insurance through my s-corp business. About 15yrs into marriage I visited the FLA keys and decided to purchase a lot there and build a house. To this day I am not sure if she wanted to do that but I was sure she was ‘in favor’ of it as her sister lived just about a mile from our new lot. And luckily I was able to purchase the one right next to it and proceeded to pump all my extra cash into it. I put both our names on the deed. I thought we would be together forever and ever. The house is 75% complete but I decided (after she abandoned us because she “just couldn’t take it anymore; my complaining about how the way she spends money on trips to other countries all over the world -a lot of trips and costly gifts for every occasion in the book -and for her friends at work I have never even met” and now we are at an “impasse”. She now wants half the appraised value of the 75% completed 2-story concrete home AND she wants me to pay off ALL her cc debt AND her lawyers fees (he is the most expensive divorce atty in the area)and, needless to say I am P***sed!! This is now the third mediation we have gone to with no progress. We will be going to trial. I am sure the attys/courts will be getting the lions share. Years ago we argued about how the money was spent (and I worked on my jobs from early morn to 9-10PM often) and I grabbed her purse and ran down our road and cut up all her credit cards. She had our credit card debt up to 20k. My question to the readers is this: Is it so wrong of a man to want to save/invest in something that he feels WILL ‘appreciate’ (make money) for our childrens college AND at the same time provide a home for us to live in and be upset about her spending so many thousands of dollars on “things” and “traveling expenses” that really are gone now -nothing to show for it? The children are all living out on their own now -youngest 19 is just a wanderer -oldest 27 just married a 33 \yr old w/4 children and has a 5th infant -middle is in iraq…USAR/NG. Although I Love the children they are in her ‘camp’. And, after so many years of hard work -construction work -improving our home AND building a new one, even if just as an investment (lease it out? Paid cash for everything from my business! NO MORTGAGE on it!) I am now reluctant to do anything for a ladyfriend for fear the same thing may happen to me again. What she is doing to me now is affecting the way I feel about this new ladyfriend.
Posted: April 4th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Sneaky - you need to come clean with your wife now, especially if you two are looking at buy a house. Your wife is moving along right now thinking everything is fine, and that’s not fair. You have the means to pay this off and you are thinking of going to her parents instead of facing up to it? What good would that do? Time to step up to your responsibility as a husband and father.
There are lots of good posts on this site to help you break the news. Will she be pi$$ed? Absolutely, and she has every right to be. If you have any chance of regaining her trust, you had better start being honest about EVERYTHING and take this as serious as a heart attack. You had better be ready to kiss some serious butt for a long time, because once trust is shattered, it’s a long road to gain it back. Good luck to you.
P.S. Guess who the last post is from?
http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/divorce/divorcing-over-discrepancy-worthy-52143.html
Posted: May 1st, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I don’t even know where to begin. I do have a problem. I love my husband a lot. We’ve been together for 17 years since highschool and have two daughters together. Here’s my problem. I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything, money especially. I do hide bills from him and it almost ended are marriage last year. Yet here I am doing it again! I don’t know what to do. I feel so bad about it, but he’s soo controlling about the money all of the time. When I need something I don’t feel like I can tell him that the kids or I need something. I do love him but I don’t feel like I can talk to him about money period. I feel so lost. He cuts the kids and me down all of the time. I lost my job in November and have been getting unemployment and it’s just not enough, no matter what I do.
Posted: May 29th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Pam;
If you still read this blog I want you to know that you gave me courage today. I told my husband that I was still in payday loan debt. Not easy to say being that, 6 months ago he bailed me out of it and it almost ended our marriage. I also don’t have the clothes or material items to show for the money. I simply just try to get by and when things are tight I borrow to cover the difference. That’s what landed me in my situation. I related to you a lot. I am not proud of my self and I don’t blame him for being angry. I’m just scared that this time he’s going to leave me for good.
I wish he would take the burden off my shoulders and take care of the bills. When we first got married there was no secrets and we would sit down together and say this is how much we have and this is how much we have to pay. He still likes to take part on telling me what needs to be paid but I have to keep up with the checkbook and scramble for extra cash when we run short. I’m not blaming him because I agree with you that this is completely my doing. I should never kept him in the dark about this. Like Cynthia my husband has the money to clear up the debt but he doesn’t like to touch that savings for anything but retirement. I don’t blame him, he is just looking out for our financial future but I desperately need help in our financial now. I guess I just have to see if he’s going to allow me to be part of his future. I love him so much and I’m scared that because of my irresponsibly with money I will lose everything.
To whoever reads this - two things I learned: NEVER use payday loans and NEVER lie to your spouse. You will live to regret it.
Thanks Pam for the inspiration!